RobinNo, Annie. There's only one L in it.
Robin
Holiday.
Oh! You might have let me finish spelling it.
Robin
But you weren't spelling it, you were spelling some made up word with too many L's in.
You haven't had her struggling to spell Faliraki all morning.
Actually Sally, it was thought for a while I might be dyslexic.
I did. Anyway, I know how to spell P.I.S.E.D, and that's what I'm gonna be! [spots box of cigarettes Lilian brought back from Greece] Ooh! Foreign ciggies?
Robin
Yeah.
Can I try one? [Robin passes her one]
[Looking through Lilian's holiday snaps] This looks quite the tacky affair. No wonder poor Tess had her jaw dislocated. That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country… don't get all the rowdiness.
Keith always says—and I've come to agree with him—that anything you can find abroad is right here on our doorstep.
Oh, yeah. Cause there's a pyramid out the end of my road, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa's by the roundabout.
Pyramids are nothing compared to Chatsworth House.
MMiranda
Is… this the smoking room?
No, love. We're all just wild free-thinkers who won't respect authority.
MMiranda
So the smoking room is–
Here. This is the smoking room.
[Grinning lecherously] Take a pew. Come and join us.
Tell us all about yourself.
I better go and find Clint. [holds up pictorial evidence of Miranda photocopying her own head] Get him to fix the photocopier.
MMiranda
[childishly] Oops. [Barry chuckles awkwardly] Cor, it's a bit grim in here, isn't it?
It used to be quite oppressive, but they painted it not so long back.
MMiranda
What an icky colour to chose, this murky yellow.
With a hint of a tint. They did tell us what shade it was. Oh, what was it, Barry?
[Staring at Miranda's legs] Cream explosion.
Robin
Oh, this frigging machine! Press for coffee and it's given me… mushroom soup… oh, but they got the sugar right!
Robin
Miranda?
Robin
Miranda!
Robin
Rands! [They kiss]
Do you two know each other?
Robin
Long time, no see.
MMiranda
Yeah! So, where you working these days?
Robin
Well… here.
MMiranda
Oh… yeah… You look so different.
[To Annie] Come on, missus. We don't need a trip down memory lane with these two. [They get up to leave]
So, how do you two know each other?
MMiranda
We were at school together.
Robin
She was my girlfriend. [Sally and Annie immediately turn around to sit back down again]
[high on glue] Aren't hands strange? They're like feet, only on your arms!
Best be getting back, I suppose.
Nah. I don't know what it is, but I don't seem to give a toss about that now. I might even ask if he fancies a pint tonight. Good old Ranjit! Mm… [walks to the wrong corner of the room] Oh shit, where's the fucking door?
[whistles, pointing to the door] This way, Len.
Oh, right, yeah. [singing] Do you know the way to– [opens door, turns back to Clint] Where the fuck is it? Mm… [leaves]
Um… is that normal behaviour?
Robin
Halfy-half. He doesn't normally sniff glue.
There isn't normally glue here to sniff.
[Janet enters the room, perks up when she sees Dominic]
[Waves bizarrely] Hello Pelopa!
[Waves back] Hello Peleepee!
Robin
Are we suddenly in Hawaii?
Annie' You two seem very friendly.
I know I don't look old enough.
No… there's quite a gap between Minicky's mum and me. I was a late baby.
No! Honestly, what a horrid thing to say! I mean, really, just vile!
Yeah, don't go overboard, love.
Well, it is. Really horrible. I won't take it from my mother, I certainly won't take it from you!
They teach us in boxercise you can hurt your opponent much more mentally than with a well-aimed slap. Y'know, psyche 'em out and their confidence goes.
Robin
How do you psyche out a bee?
You just follow 'em around going, "your honey tastes like shit, mate", "you're crap buzzer", "black, yellow stripes? Don't go." Soon get depressed and fly off.
[to Dominic] You better not be writing summink about me in there.
I stand up, you start with your scribbling? [points at Robin] He might have agreed to be studied, but I'm not that desperate for attention– oi, look at me when I'm talking to you!
I wasn't writing anything. I– I was just… drawing some apples playing football. [shows her the drawing]
Is that some sort of code?
Nope. Cabin fever's set in.
Yeah, well, last bloke who slagged me off had his tyres slashed. [beat] Oh, I didn't do it! It was just a coincidence. [leaves]
[Robin lights yet another cigarette]
You're not gonna have another one?
Robin
No, fine! Let's go back to my office. You can watch me stare at the walls for a while, or maybe I'll pick up… the… uh… metal thing… the click-click… staples…
Robin
Stapler, and put it next to the… uh… there's another metal thing on my desk, the… it's got a slightly curved, uh… I'll put the stapler next to that, shall I? What larks we'll have! Well, come on!
You know? I would say your relentless sarcasm is an obvious attempt to put people at a distance, due to an almost crippling sense of inadequacy. I would say that your barbed, defensive humour is prompted by a fear of intimacy because there's something you're trying to hide, an aspect of yourself you're desperate to supress because you hate it so. You hate yourself. [pause as everyone looks shocked] I would say all that, if I weren't simply a passive observer.
Snowball fight now! The victor gets free ciggies all day tomorrow, or just buy me some baccy. Sal?
Save yourself the embarrassment, Clint, I'd murder you.
Robin
I've barely got the energy to lift my ciggie, nevermind lob snowballs.
[Turning to Sharon] I don't suppose...
Are you asking me to come out for a snowball fight?
Yeah... Yeah, I suppose I am.
Well thank you. Thank you so much for seeing a person sitting here and not just some distant authority figure. Prehaps my message is finally getting through. I may be the boss, but-.. No. I am definitely the boss, but I am still a co-worker. Of course I don't actually want to throw snowballs, it's puerile behaviour.
Robin
We'll just bring up Ranjit and his balloon animals.
That won't buy you much time. He's had to cut his act down to a snake, a worm and an electric eel. He can't the fuckers to twist without bursting 'em.
Robin
Well, you'd better fetch him onto the stage, anyway.
Robin
No. Now.
Ooh, fuckin' hell! Who gave him a clipboard?!
Just as well he's got no hope of promotion; he'd be a nightmare.
The Smoking Room · 59 quotes
