Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Relax, Lisa! Meet your new comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson! [hums The Odd Couple Theme]

Bart

I'm gonna make your life a living hell.

Homer

[hums The Odd Couple theme and shoves Lisa in]

Homer

[turns on TV] Ooh, here's something you like. When Animals Attack Magicians.

Pick a card, any- [noise of animal attacking] Aaaaaagh!!!

Lisa

[concerned] That's awful.

Homer

Awful entertaining.

There goes the finest trucker who ever lived.

Homer

He called me "greenhorn." I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.

In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. But I guess this is one delivery old Red won't be making.

Homer

Oh, yes he will....and on time, too.

Marge

Oh no, Homer, no.

Homer

I got to, honey. I owe it to Red as both his friend and his killer.

Bart

Oh, let me go with you, Dad.

Homer

Don't you have school?

Bart

Don't you have work?

Homer

Ahh, touché.

Homer

Oh yeah, I need something that will keep me awake, alert and restless all night long.

Well Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these. [Pulls out a bottle labeled Stimu-crank]

Homer

Sold! [Takes pills and eats them all]

You can't take that many pep pills at once!

Homer

Don't worry. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.

Bart

Dad, they're going to kill us!

Homer

Oh, why do all my trips end like this?

Marge

Oh, no, it's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?

Bart

Not anymore.

Lisa Simpson

It's Rapture, and I never knew true love.

Homer

I never used those pizza coupons.

Homer

English side ruined! Must use French instructions! Le grille? What the hell is that?!

Homer

Yeah, that's one fine looking barbecue pit. [it is revealed to be the design on the box, as the real end result is a jumbled mess] WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT?! [finally snaps, then starts hitting the mess of a pit with a crowbar] WHY?! WHY MUST LIFE BE SO HARD?! WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERY ATTEMPT AT MASONRY?!?!?

Marge

How's your father's project coming along?

Bart

I think he's almost done. [He looks out, as we see Homer charge towards pit with an umbrella while screaming, shove it into an opening, and fall backwards as it opens up] Yeah, he's done.

Soup's on, fat boy.

Homer

Andy! No!

Marge

Homer! Homer!

Homer

[waking up] Oh, Marge! Why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. [he holds up his arm, his fist is through one of Andy Warhol's Soup Can paintings] Oh. Let's get out of here.

Homer

How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?

Bart

Can I burn evidence in it?

Homer

We can all burn evidence in it.

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus. That box is for toys only.

Homer

Well, of course! Any kid would love to have this ... activity center. It teaches them while they learn!

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, nice try, Saint Nick. Now hit the road, Kris Kringle!

Homer

But...but--

Chief Wiggum

You heard me, [pokes Homer's gut with nightstick] Père Noël. [Homer puts the barbecue pit on the cart and leaves; Fat Tony, Legs, and Louie come and dump a body in a bag into the bin] Whatcha got there?

Beanie Baby.

Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.

Homer

[gasps] In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Be a Mental Patient, Hillbilly, or Chimpanzee"!

Homer

Lisa, all great artists love free food. Check out Jasper Johns.

[stuffs food into his jacket] You squeal on me, I'll kill you.

Marge

Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture, but don't you think it may have been a fluke?

Homer

Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.

Marge

That's my life you're describing!

Homer

I think I remember my own life, Marge.

Homer

Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer, and these are my fans: Gunter, Kilto, and Cecil Hamstead on Cecil Cecil.

So, uh, you guys are Euro trash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?

Eh, to be honest, we are a drift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.

Uh-huh, so where might this sea be located?

Homer

Why don't people like my art anymore?

Marge

Homer, I know you worked hard, but all of your ... things were kind of the same.

Homer

Hey, Ray Jay Johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been.

Lisa

Who?

Homer

"You can call him Ray, or you can call him Jay, or you can call him Ray Jay, but you doesn't have to call him..."

Lisa

I'm sick of him already.