Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Welcome to the Homer Simpson Show. I'm your host... next card... Homer Simpson. It's great to be here in... next card... Springfield.

Homer Simpson

Marge! Wait! [tries to hypnotize Marge with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer! I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer!

Homer

I'll have to read Marge's book, and I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

Homer

I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. [singing] I am a lineman for the county. [speaking] Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. [singing] And I drive the main road. [speaking] There are...eight... calls ahead of you. [singing] And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.

Homer

[Stabs a knife into the bullet wound on his arm] Let's see. Cartilage. Cartilage. Muscle. [Screams] NERVE! [Blood spurts out] Artery. Bullet! [Flicks the bullet out of his arm]

Homer

[grabs out a pie in the power plant] I'll show him! [spots Lisa] No, I shouldn't! [spots Bart] Or should I?

I've ran out of pie-related puns! [throws a pie at Mr. Burns by accident]

Homer

[talking to an empty beer bottle] You never got a chance to become my urine!

Homer

Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you, but I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future, remember that?

Homer

[going through his "Memory Box"] Whoo, a letter from my old pen pal! Someday I'll write you back, Osama.

Homer

These batteries have to power everything in our house. [inserts Spice Girls tape] YO, I tell you what I want what I really really want what I want what I want I'll tell you what I want! [Batteries die] That was totally worth it.

Homer

See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.

Homer

You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.

Homer

Hey sweetie, is mom winning?

Homer

Someone somewhere says I'm better than someone else.