The Office (US) · Season 9
This next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex. Oh, you salty dog!
Well, you know, what can I say? A playa's gotta play.
There you go.
[to the camera crew] Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm a let them think the other thing.
Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
How would anyone even know...
Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?
I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
No.
No!
Done, right?
No.
No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Topless Christmas.
Tapas Swiss Miss.
Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pinkeye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.
[locked inside Andy's office] Attention, people of the office. You have exactly sixty seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time, [pulls pin from grenade] I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as...
[Drops grenade, which goes off, filling office with gas]
Dwight, are you okay?!
Whoa. That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple...
[Dwight faints]
Wow. He got to purple.
[on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.
Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.
Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.
Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.
I have ears, Dwight.
Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...
[Jim hangs up]
180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.
The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand... they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones.
[on phone] Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?
I think I'm a little too busy these days to s - - [whispering] Oh, my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.
I'll be dammed if I'm gonna let us lose me.
Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
You could've just called that an alliance too, right?
I chose my words very carefully.
Well they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next, and he's a real professional. You say, "jump," and he says, "on who?" He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.
Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [Whispers] Neither guy is here. And its Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies.
This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch.
I know. You miss Angela, don't you?
I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.
I know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
