I can't be around sad people, it just makes me sad.
I'm the same around horny people.
S9 E16Moving On
What is it?
It's my Aunt Shirley. She's on her last legs.
Dwight, that's awful.
You have no idea. I mean her hair, her clothes, its all falling off in great, big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit, because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.
What do you mean by poisoned?
Probably nothing. Or Strychnine. Or Lemonade and Strychnine, which is actually what it was.
S9 E17The Farm
We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
TPTodd Packer
My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous, step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Packer, we accept.
[Everyone objects]
TPTodd Packer
Actually, I have a specific way I need to do this, and I have to go through examples of stuff. Okay, uh, where to begin? Hey, Pam-Pam and her Pam-Pams. Well I have said some crude things about those. But they are beautiful, and I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you and personified your breasts. Sorry guys. [to Phyllis] Oh, boy. I have not been nice to you. Phylly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin... [to Clark] This kid...in a few years.
Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
TPTodd Packer
Why can't I just be nice?
S9 E18Promos
[Comes into the office to find Phyllis with her eyes closed and earbuds in] Uh oh, she's doing it again!
[Cut to Pam and Clark in interview]
Phyllis has gotten into audiobooks, and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey, which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um, uh...
CClark
It's porn.
Yeah.
Hold on, why is Phyllis so aroused?
She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.
Ok, you are useless. I'll take care of this.
[Pours a bucket of water all over Phyllis to wake her up]
WHAT THE HELL!?
It's ok, guys, she's no longer horny.
Excuse me, dirty birdie.
S9 E19Stairmageddon
Our office has an unusually large number of, unusually large people. So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.
CClark
We can't just leave him bubble-wrapped like this.
Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
CClark
That's actually really smart.
Thank you.
CClark
God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.
S9 E20Paper Airplane
We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill. [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane] Others relied on showmanship. [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] Others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.
Yesterday was the first round of a branch-wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by WeyerHammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product, Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. Its not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. It's practically made of plastic.
S9 E21Livin' the Dream
I'm taking some time off from work - well, my other work - because we needed it.
It's great.
It's great.
The phone's been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kinda going nuts.
But that doesn't matter. This does. We've had some really nice days together.
M-hm. Nice morning too.
[through stifling laughter] Beesly. Oh my god.
Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I'm making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?
Bluntly, yes, huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless, or maybe even starve.
Thank you.
S9 E22A.A.R.M.
So what is the problem?
Angela.
I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.
Some sort of virus?
Love.
Oh.
Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
You're a good assistant, Jim.
Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.
You watched it?
Yeah.
[handing her an envelope] Then I guess you're ready for this.
What's that?
It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the note and is truly touched] Not "enough" for me? You are everything.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.