TV show quotes
[Comes into the office to find Phyllis with her eyes closed and earbuds in] Uh oh, she's doing it again!
[Cut to Pam and Clark in interview]
Phyllis has gotten into audiobooks, and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey, which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um, uh...
It's porn.
Yeah.
Hold on, why is Phyllis so aroused?
She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Well, there you go. That's muy caliente.
Ok, you are useless. I'll take care of this.
[Pours a bucket of water all over Phyllis to wake her up]
WHAT THE HELL!?
It's ok, guys, she's no longer horny.
Excuse me, dirty birdie.
Our office has an unusually large number of, unusually large people. So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.
We can't just leave him bubble-wrapped like this.
Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation.
That's actually really smart.
Thank you.
God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge.
We started with sixteen brave aviators. Some use skill. [cut to Kevin flying paper airplane] Others relied on showmanship. [cut to Dwight throwing airplane at Nate with an apple on his head] Others seem not to comprehend what a paper airplane is. [cut to Creed throwing a melon] And of course, there was the odd moment of heartbreak and disaster.
Yesterday was the first round of a branch-wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by WeyerHammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product, Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. Its not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. It's practically made of plastic.
I'm taking some time off from work - well, my other work - because we needed it.
It's great.
It's great.
The phone's been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kinda going nuts.
But that doesn't matter. This does. We've had some really nice days together.
M-hm. Nice morning too.
[through stifling laughter] Beesly. Oh my god.
Will you tell me bluntly, do you think I'm making a terrible mistake quitting my job to become an actor?
Bluntly, yes, huge mistake. Andy, honestly, I think you might become homeless, or maybe even starve.
Thank you.
So what is the problem?
Angela.
I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.
Some sort of virus?
Love.
Oh.
Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.
You're a good assistant, Jim.
Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.
You watched it?
Yeah.
[handing her an envelope] Then I guess you're ready for this.
What's that?
It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the note and is truly touched] Not "enough" for me? You are everything.
[through a megaphone] Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!
Can you put that down?
This expresses how loudly I love you!
It's too loud.
[Dwight puts the megaphone down, gets on one knee, and pulls out a ring]
This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Okay. Yes. Yes, I will! [They embrace and kiss] I love you. And I lied to you.
What?
Phillip's your son.
What? Why would you say...
I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Get out! I'm a dad!
You're a dad!
Dwight, I don't know how to tell you this, but...we have a little bit of a problem.
Oh, no. What?
The minister just told me that it's tradition for the bestest mensch to be older than the groom.
Oh, come on. I've never heard of such a thing!
I haven't heard of it, obviously. But I'm out, because I'm significantly younger than you.
No! Not—significant is a big word.
Well, either way, Dwight...[pause] I can't be there for you. I'm sorry.
Jim.
I just...really wish there was something I can do.
[Jim looks straight ahead. Dwight turns around and sees Michael]
Michael. I can't believe you came.
That's what she said. [Dwight cries out in joy and hugs Michael]
[cut to Jim in interview]
Best prank ever.
Every day when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?
It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But, no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. [camera zooms out to show Creed in handcuffs, escorted by two police officers] Let's do this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
