Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "lilkidlover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael

You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Michael

I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael

Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!

Michael

I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Michael

It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Michael

Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Michael

Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice... strike three.

Michael

I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I am going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Michael

They say your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Michael

There are four kinds of business: tourism, food service, railroads, and sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel.

Michael

It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed.

Michael

[wearing a women's suit] I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.

Michael

I saved a life: my own. Am I a hero? I really can't say... but, yes.

Michael

There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me, I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV, I wished for Pam to gain courage, I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain...