Tahani quotes from The Good Place

Eleanor

Dude, what were you thinking?

Tahani

I just wanted to be useful! All I ever get to do here is throw parties, which is all I ever got to do back on Earth and now I've ruined everything.

Eleanor

No. You gave us a way out.

Tahani

So I FIXED everything!

Eleanor

No, you made things difficult in a new way, but I can make it work.

Tahani

Well, the important thing is: I did something.

Eleanor

Be quiet and follow my lead.

Tahani

Yes, ma'am.

Eleanor

And now...[drumroll]

Michael

Oh-ho-ho!

Eleanor

...the moment you've all been waiting for. The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...Jason!

Tahani

Aww.

Jason

Yes!

Eleanor

Keep up the amazing work with Chidi. AND! The award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to...

Eleanor

Eleanor Shellstrop! [pulls out a photo of herself.]

Eleanor

Thank you, I accept.

Michael

I never win Hottest...

Eleanor

I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?

It was a real high point.

Michael

The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian.

[Sarcastically] Who could have predicted that?

Simone

I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.

Chidi

You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin.

Okay, you call her muffin? I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here.

Simone

I was gathering evidence. I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection.

Chidi

Oh, so romantic.

Simone

Here's what I know: Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us. I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow, they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.

Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? "Dumb Shorts" Cathy?

Chidi

What is your problem with her?

I mean, shorts? "Cathy"?

What ISN'T my problem with her?

Simone

...Jianyu? Are you okay, you look sweaty.

Tahani

Oh no, he's fine. He always sweats when he's meditating. He calls it "sweat-itating".

Tahani

No, I mean, um, he doesn't talk, so I call it that.

Tahani

...I'm friends with Sting!

Tahani

Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye.

Eleanor

Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?

Jason

Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying.

If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that-

Tahani

Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it.

Jason

What about mine?

Your friends didn't say things about you so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.

Jason

Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief.

Eleanor

In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body out on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.

Tahani

Hang on. THIS is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.

Jason

Awesome! And you know what they say in Florida: "If you don't like this funeral, juuuust wait a minute!"

Eleanor

We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable: the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.

Jason

Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment.

Eleanor

Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful"...and "You don't buy bras at Home Depot"...and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.

Eleanor

She was the best friend I ever had and I loved her.

Tahani

Oh, thank you so much, that was wonderful!

Jason

I wish Chidi was here. It sucks that he's too dead for these Heaven funerals.

Eleanor

Can someone grab his arm? My hands are kind of full with his butt.

Jason

How'd he get so jacked?

Eleanor

When he was 14, someone told him that exercise alleviated anxiety, he started doing pushups and basically never stopped.

Tahani

Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.

Tahani

But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.

Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see: it was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.

That's my Jason: a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.

Eleanor

Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy...

Eleanor

...so I could talk about what really mattered in life: wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.

Jason

Statham forever!

Eleanor

Indeed. Statham forever. Amen.

Tahani

Amen.

Tahani

I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life: a bar in a house she was not invited to.

Tahani

Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.

Eleanor

Well...

Tahani

But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out...I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.

Jason

Eleanor, I know you don't like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song.

Jason

That's when the foam cannons go pshh! Explode outward! And then back to the song.

Eleanor

OKAY OKAY WE'RE GOOD. Thank you...

Tahani

So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.

Shawn

I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.

Michael

Really?

Shawn

NO. [laughs] You ACTUALLY believed me?

Eleanor

DUDE, in 20 minutes, ALL of humanity is going to be erased forever.

Shawn

And?

Chidi

The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone LOSES.

Shawn

Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as YOU lose.

Michael

Shawn, listen to reason!

Shawn

WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.

Jason

Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.

Shawn

I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over. It is gonna be SO...long.

Michael

Now, when I press this lever, Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed that will test her ethical decision-making. Obviously, in the real test, the humans won't know they're being tested, but this should be a good practice run. Everyone ready?

Hors d'oeuvre?

Tahani

Why, yes. Thank you.

CHAINSAW BEAR!

Michael

Okay, so, couple of things...we're not using chainsaw bears anymore, remember?

Right...okay, yeah. What else?

Michael

It was mainly that one thing. Why don't you try again? And remember: th-the challenges your test subject faces should smaller and-and more relatable.

Michael

Okay...

Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.

Tahani

Is it farm-raised salmon? Because I prefer to support sustainable fishing.

Mondays, am I right? CHAINSAW!!

You said smaller and more relatable! The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays and love bacon! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Tahani

That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.

Eleanor

Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we got to start over.

Michael

No...it's YOU guys.

Jason

...ffffor real?

Michael

The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in!

Michael

I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in.

Chidi

Are you coming, too?

Michael

Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed, might as well do some traveling. Shall we?

Jason

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!

Tahani

We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places!

Tahani

I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again.

Jason

Are you sure we're going the right way, Janet?

Well, I've never been to the Good Place before, but yes, I'm sure.

Jason

How?

Because it feels like I'm on my way home.

Jason

Flying puppy!

You're almost there! Just a little further!

Michael

Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael, why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood? These guys are GOOD.

Chidi

Weird...

Jason

Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.

Eleanor

But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!

Eleanor

It was a classic moment, don't judge me!

I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became-

Tahani

A mish-mash of all four of us.

Eleanor

[sighs] It's PERFECT.

Eleanor

Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza.

Eleanor

I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.

Chidi

So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.

Tahani

You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.

What will happen when we go through it?

Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.

Michael

You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door...and be at peace. Does that sound good?

Eleanor

Seems like they're into it!

I mean, they've gone through the system, so they'll be a little different, right?

Tahani

One would hope. [groans] I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad. I've only ever stood silently behind their chairs while they ate lobster tail with Oscar de la Renta.

I'm right here. We will get through this together.

Tahani

Here we go. [clears throat] Mother. Father. Welcome to-

MY DARLINGS! My darlings, oh!

Oh, my little girls.

We love you both SO much.

SO very much, we have a million things to talk to you about, but first, we are sorry. We'll just be endlessly sorry forever and ever.

Tahani

[whispers] ...Holy crap.

[whispers] I know, right?