Jason quotes from The Good Place

Jason

And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.

Jason

I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.

Jason

Here's the thing. I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.

Jason

I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.

Jason

When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.

Eleanor

No, Jianyu, we're dead.

Jason

Whoa, that's a dope prank.

Jason

I didn't get into heaven to go to school.

Eleanor

You didn't get into heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.

Chidi

So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

Eleanor

I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?

Chidi

Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Jason

Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.

Chidi

Um, okay, what?

Jason

Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.

Chidi

Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Tahani

Jianyu, my love. How are you?

Jason

[reading Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.

Tahani

That's very profound.

Chidi

You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?

Jason

No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King.

Eleanor

Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.

Jason

That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.

Chidi

You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.

Eleanor

No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Jason

Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.

Eleanor

Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.

Jason

Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?

Eleanor

Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from Transformers, and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it?

People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

Jason

That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.

Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks. Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question? What are jalapeño poppers?

Jason

Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese. Hm. One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.

Jason

Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.

Tahani

What are you talking about?

Jason

I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.

Tahani

And is, uh, that a family member?

Jason

I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.

Tahani

You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.

Michael

Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.

Jason

I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.