Tahani quotes from The Good Place

Tahani

At some point, we should finish discussing yesterday's events.

Jason

Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?

Tahani

The first bit.

Jason

I vote we...

Tahani

No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.

Jason

I was gonna agree with you.

Tahani

Oh, great, well, that's two votes for my plan.

Tahani

You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager." But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.

Jason

My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?

Tahani

No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories...

Jason

She got fired after I...

Tahani

Please, no.

Jason

...robbed the pet store where she worked.

Tahani

Please, please, Jason.

Jason

We actually robbed it together.

Tahani

No, no, no.

Jason

Long story short, it was all a dream.

Tahani

Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier for me.

Michael

There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...

Tahani

Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?

Michael

Yes. "Throats".

Eleanor

Damn, you're good at this.

Tahani

Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way.

Tahani

I have, actually. It's remarkable.

It's remarkable!

Tahani

...

Eleanor

Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.

Chidi

Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

Jason

I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Tahani

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.

I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry] Send you back.

Tahani

Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.

I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

Tahani

We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather: Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better.

Say "aluminum".

Tahani

Aluminium.

I love that!

Eleanor

The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?

Tahani

Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Chidi

You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&M's! You put the Peeps... in the chili pot, it makes it taste... bad...

Chidi

Imma eat all this chili. And/or... die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna... put it right down here. C'mon! Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.

Professor? I can see that you're going through something. But exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?

Chidi

All right... NERD. Y'wanna LEARN somethin', I'll TEACH ya somethin'! I'ma teach ya the meanin' of life! How d'ya like THEM apples?

Chidi

Now, over the last twenty five hundred years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off... there's Virtue Ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character like courage or generosity and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.

Tahani

The gift will be anonymous.

Chidi

Next, there's Consequentialism; the basis for judgement about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action; how much utility or good did it accomplish versus how much pain or bad.

Chidi

And finally, there's Deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that EVERYONE must adhere to in a functioning society.

Chidi

Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies: all THREE of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie. The TRUE meaning of life -- the ACTUAL ethical system that you should all follow -- is NIHILISM. The world... is EMPTY. There is NO POINT... to ANYTHING and you're JUST GONNA DIE. So DO WHATEVER! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and YOU ALL... can jump. Up. Your own. BUTTS.

Is that gonna be on the test?

Chidi

Yes. And no. And you all get A's. or F's. And there is no test. And you all failed it. And you all got A's. Who cares? Goodbye. GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

Eleanor

Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feelin' all right?

Chidi

I feel fine! I DO have a stomachache. Why do I ALWAYS have a stomachache?

Eleanor

Well, you just ate fifty pounds of chili, bro. This one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak. But I have a plan. Come with me.

Eleanor

NAH-AH-AH. Leave that chili, weirdo.

Eleanor

Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!

Tahani

Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.

Jason

Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

Chidi

What?

Eleanor

Don't.

Michael

No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.

Eleanor

Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Michael

When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.

Chidi

Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?

Those two things have very similar smells.

Tahani

I'm so sorry, darling. This is all my fault. I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw.

You saw that, too?

Tahani

No.

Jason knows that I love him, it STINKS to hear how the two of you are married, this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin and if I don't remain NEUTRAL in front of Gwendolyn, she's gonna know we've been lying. All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me, which might be super embarrassing! What if they come out my butt?

Tahani

Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?

Michael

The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.

Tahani

Can I ask you an unrelated question?

Michael

Absolutely not! The fate of all humanity is at stake and time is running out!

Michael

Go ahead.

Tahani

I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?

Michael

How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.

Tahani

You'd think it'd be that simple. But EVERY TIME I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions! It feels like a game you can't win!

Michael

...That's it...there IS another explanation: unintended consequences! Oh, Tahani...you did it.

Tahani

Well, of course I did, darling...did what?

Michael

All along, I've only been looking at ONE Doug. But there's...[flips through the pages]...MILLIONS of Dougs in here.

Michael

In 1534, Douglass Wynegarr of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy, boom, 145 points. Now...

Yeah, here we go...

Michael

In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses. But HE LOST four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! WHOO!!

Tahani

That is a VERY odd thing to cheer.

Michael

Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't HAVE to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person...gets a little harder. Gather the others, we have a lot to do.

Tahani

But we didn't really deal with my thi-

Tahani

Okay. I'll just...figure it out...

Tahani

Eleanor? Michael? It is I, Tahani.

Eleanor

Yeah, we know, babe. What's wrong?

Tahani

I know John. Rather, he knows me. He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth. He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy, and prone to fits of MELODRAMA!

Eleanor

...What are you saying?

Tahani

Don't you see? The Bad Place DIDN'T pick the worst people! They picked the people who would be the worst for US!

Michael

Of course! How did I not anticipate this? Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers. He chose your tormentors or arch-rivals-

Eleanor

Or exes.

Eleanor

Those motherforkers.

Eleanor

Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.

Tahani

But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting!

Eleanor

I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over.

Michael

I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up.

WHAT?

Michael

I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.

Eleanor

Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?

Michael

But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it.

Tahani

Michael? Wait.

Michael

Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally nothing I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.

Michael

Oh boy...this is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back, uh...way shorter and that would bum me out.

Michael

I wish I were saying this in different circumstances, but...take it sleazy.

Jason

Michael, wait!

Oh, crud-nuts!