[Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after a falling out with her son Michael] Now look - Rose, stop whining! You know that you're going to have to speak to your boss about your workload. Wallowing in self pity is not going to help!
Dorothy, I know you've done the right thing. In the animal kingdom, the whole idea is to teach offspring to fend for themselves. Humans are the only ones who think it's their duty to care for children their entire lives.
I wrote it down. You be Rose, why don't I be Sophia. This is what we'll say right after they walk in the door. [reads] "Hi, Blanche! You look beautiful. Welcome home. I love you."
Rose
[reads] "I broke the plate. I'm such a clumsy fool."
Before we begin, I'd like to thank you all for taking time off from your own celebrating to provide Christmas for some who are less fortunate. We promise to turn away no one, remembering how Mary and Joseph were turned away at the Inn.
Rose
Reverend Avery, it's always puzzled me. WHY didn't Mary and Joseph call ahead for reservations? [Dorothy drops a heavy spoon] Surely they must have realized how hard it is to get a hotel room during the Christmas season.
Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then the next morning the rumors would start... and they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell, it's Christmas!"
Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick, and it doesn't matter who picks you because it's bound to be a terrific gift. Go ahead, Blanche.
Thanks Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel! [Blanche buries her head in the palm of her hand, while Dorothy and Sophia look on and grin]
All right, all right, I can pick up a cue. Picture it: Sicily, 1912. A beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There's an instant attraction. They laugh, they sing, they slam down a few boilermakers. Shortly afterwards he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his pallete without using his hands... but I digress. He paints her portrait and they make passionate love. She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge scrubbing his fingerprints off her body. She sees the portrait and is insulted. It looks nothing like her, and she storms out of his life forever. That peasant girl was me. And that painter... was Pablo Picasso.
Rose, please, let me have a little recovery time before you start a St. Olaf story--
Rose
You see, Hans Gluckenflanken, set out for Florida, to find the Fountain of Intelligence. Unfortunately, when he got to Duluth he took a left, instead of a right and wound up back in St. Olaf. That's how he got his nickname, Wrong Way Gluckenflanken.
Well, when he got back it was the dead of winter. Tired and hungry, but still clinging to his belief that he would find the Fountain of Intelligence, he saw the miracle water, trickling out of the ground, and he fell to his knees and tasted it. Unfortunately, it was a broken sewer main. Two days later, he died of cholera.
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
Rose
