My little girl is going to have a baby by artificial insemination.
[Rose, Sophia and Dorothy all pause and stare at Blanche with shocked expressions on their faces.]
I just can't bear to think about it.
[More silence and shocked expressions.]
I'm just being silly, aren't I?
[Yet more silence and shocked expressions.]
For God's sake, someone say something!
Rose[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!
Dorothy, what about you? You're always the sensible one around here, the free, modern thinker who keeps up with the times. Now what do you think?
[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!
[the girls are testing different hair-removal products]
Rose
Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?
Rose
Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away below the skinline.
I don't know whether I want to use this, it says it's gonna hurt.
Rose
Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.
Why don't we just set each other on fire?
Rose
Dorothy...
All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.
Rose
Blanche, you saw that dolphin, all tangled up in that tuna boat's net. Thousands of them die that way each year. We have to do something.
You're absolutely right. From this moment on, no more tuna fish.
Rose
Blanche, you hate tuna fish.
Alright, then no more tuna fisher... men.
Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.
Rose
I asked you to tell him I'm not going.
I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.
Rose
Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.
I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.
Rose
Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.
Rose
Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.
You stay out of this, Dorothy.
Rose
Well, why not? It's all over between us. He'll know that tonight.
It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...
Rose
Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favor to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed. [Blanche exits]
Rose
[to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?
Rose
Sophia, I can't believe you're doing this! This reminds me of the story of Gunilla Olfstatter, St. Olaf's very own Angel of Death.
Rose
Really? All the way through?
All the way through, but please try to make the end come as close to the beginning as possible!
Rose
Well, Gunilla Olfstatter was a nurse at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsen, and he asked her if she would get him some more mouth moisteners and then kill him. Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away, but the killing thing, it seemed to go against everything she'd been taught!
You're doing beautifully, Rose.
Rose
He begged and he begged and by her coffee break she couldn't stand it anymore, so she pulled the plug and he died. Well, she was wracked with guilt that night. Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot, but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading was the pain talking or the medication talking or the guy in the next bed talking. You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar Von Bergman, St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist.
Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we? I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue.
Rose
Yes! Sven came back to haunt Gunilla. Since then, every Tuesday night at ten - nine Central -
[Dorothy slams her fork down in frustration]
Rose
...she hears noises. Some say it's the wind, but some say it's Sven's voice whispering back from the other side, saying: "Turn around, quick! His lips are moving!"
[to Sophia] You see that, Ma? You kill someone, you end up being a Rose story.
[The baby the girls are watching is crying, Blanche is in the rocker, trying to get it to sleep.]
What is wrong with this baby? Honey, darling, please shut up for aunt Blanche!
"Rose: [To Dorothy] You know, in St. Olaf we had a sure-fire method for getting babies to sleep!
If herring, elk, or anyone named Sven figures in this, I don't wanna hear it.
Rose
Okay! I've got another one! Whenever my kids couldn't sleep, we always sang to them.
Rose; Well sort of, Mr. Sandman!
Dorothy, come on it's worth a try! It's either we sing, or he sings.
Rose
Boom.
[Blanche and Dorothy stare at Rose, weird expressions on their faces.]
Rose
[With more energy] Boom! Well?
Rose
After my boom comes your boom, and then yours, until we're all booming.
How complicated is that herring thing?
Rose
Boom.
[All together]
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom."
ATAll together
"Make him the cutest that I've ever seen."
ATAll together
"Give him two lips, like roses and clover."
ATAll together
"And tell him that his lonesome nights are over."
[The baby has stopped crying, they all start creeping to the kitchen. The baby cries.]
Rose
Boom.
ATAll together
"boom. boom. boom. boom. boom. boom."
ATAll together
"Bring me a dream, make him the cutest that I've ever seen."
[Girls start swaying to the music, losing interest in the baby.]
I'm so alone! [Turns to see the other two have stopped, looks at Sophia.]
Boy, you guys really stink!
Rose
[Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirstin the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.
Rose
No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.
Rose
No! That's how my mother taught me.
Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about...what a man would look like?
Rose
It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? [Blanche guffaws] Boy, that bull would have been jealous.
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
