Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

If you ask me, people rely too much on sex in relationships anyway.

You're right. I mean, what is sex, after all?

Rose

Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other. Like animals.

You get all sweaty, and flushed.

Rose

Your hair gets mussed.

You lose your breath.

Rose

You lose your earrings.

[steadily turned on] Your mouth waters...

Rose

[steadily turned on] Your nose runs...

...your heart races...

Rose

...your blood races...

...Rose...

Rose

...say it, Ernie...

It's time, Rose.

Rose

[raises hand] Check, please!

Eddie

I know I'm plain to look at, but everything I do seems to drive the opposite sex crazy! I don't do it on purpose, it just happens! The way I look at a woman, the way I make love to a woman, the way I kiss a woman, the way I make love to a woman.

Rose

You said "make love" twice.

Eddie

I know. It's my favorite.

Dorothy

[explaining to Rose that her relationship with Eddie is purely physical] Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.

Rose

What's under the sheets?

Dorothy

His cappuccino maker. SEX, Rose! I am talking SEX! We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed, and it is TERRIFIC.

Rose

Wow, all that and cappuccino too?!

Blanche

I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.

Rose

Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts too?

Eddie

You see, after 25 years of marriage, my wife Roberta sent me a "Dear John" letter.

Rose

That's terrible, married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie!

Blanche

[on the phone with Steve] I'm almost ready to... What do you mean? I spent all day getting ready! ... Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU DROP DEAD!!! [slams down phone; to girls] Well, I'm off, don't wait up...

Dorothy

Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?

Blanche

[voice quavering] Yes!

Rose

How did you know that, Dorothy?

Dorothy

I'm clairvoyant, Rose.

Rose

You're so lucky. I get into a pool and I sink like a stone.

Dorothy

[in a flashback scene, chewing out Rose for booking them into a "clothing optional" resort for their Valentine's weekend getaway] Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend, stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours!

Rose

I'm sorry, Dorothy, it's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.

Dorothy

[reading from brochure] "Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat! Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny!" Call David Horowitz; I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation!

Blanche

In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.

Rose

What kind of protection?

Dorothy

Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]

Rose

A Nestle's Crunch?

Dorothy

One over.

Rose

An enema bag?

Dorothy

To the right.

Rose

Dentu-Grip?!

Dorothy

CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!

Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche

There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.

Dorothy

[grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.

Rose

[looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.

Blanche

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

[speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS.

THE LAMBSKINS OR THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE?

TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE...IN BLACK.

Rose

What you need is faith.

Dorothy

And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.

Rose

I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.

Blanche

Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.

Dorothy

Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche

Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me truth - now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?

Rose

Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.

Blanche

I am talking about my job at the museum!!

Dorothy

Of course, you're competent, Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.

Blanche

Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?

Dorothy

I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Blanche

You know, some days, I just want to throw in the towel and take an early retirement. I wonder if you can collect Social Security at 49, 50.

Dorothy

4950--what is that, Blanche, the address of the Social Security building?

Dorothy

I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.

Rose

Did Stanley have a head for numbers?

Dorothy

Stanley??? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.

Dorothy

Oh, a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon.

Sophia

[laughs]

Dorothy

What, Ma?

Sophia

Oh, nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.

Dorothy

Why do you say I'm lying?

Sophia

A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom Night 1946!

Rose

Why, what happened?

Sophia

I don't know, I'm that somebody.

Dorothy

I am so excited! I can't believe I'm going to see Trudy again after all these years!

Rose

Oh, I'm excited for you too, Dorothy. That's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.

Blanche

Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gefluffen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svengebluten?

Rose

No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!