(begins to tell a story about "acceptance" to console Dorothy) I remember I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...
Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo-cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.
I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry, go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."
Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---
On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta... FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!
Anyway, it was at a Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again!
RoseWhy?
Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standin' there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new ridin' boots for Christmas! So I did.
Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?
Oh - because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy! That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too - along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.
[rolls the dice, moves her game piece and picks a card from the center of the gameboard] How odd, I can either buy the library or the phonebooth in the center of town. I'll buy the library.
Rose
If I were you, I'd buy the phonebooth.
Rose
People use the phonebooth.
Rose
[about her sister Holly] We haven't gotten along since we were kids.
Why is she coming here then?
Rose
Well, she's here on business. She's a world renown flautist.
Rose
No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute!
[meeting Holly] Who's this?
Rose
Well, this is...
HHolly
Oh wait, Rose, let me. She's feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!
She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister. Don't mess with me, kid, I have the home court advantage!
Rose
[Blanche has just come back from her appointment with the plastic surgeon who will perform her breast augmentation] Hi, Blanche. How was your appointment with Dr. Rosenzweig?
Well, I was so nervous that I just rushed right in there and pulled off my top, and said, "Well, what do you think?"
Rose
What did he say?
Well, he said, "I think you're probably looking for Dr. Rosenzweig. But if you ever want a discount on life insurance, call me."
YYvonne
[leads the girls' workout] Whirlybirds!
WWomen
[imitate Yvonne] Whirlybirds!
YYvonne
Windshield wipers!
WWomen
Windshield wipers!
YYvonne
[suddenly stops and grabs her leg in pain while still hopping] Oh! Charley horse!
Rose
[grabs her leg and hops] Charley horse!
She has a cramp, you peabrain!
Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called "dirty dancing"?
Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.
Rose
What movie?
Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.
This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?
Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.
And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]
Listen, tell me I can't do better than this in my sleep. [Opens a book and begins to read] "He grabbed her. She could feel his fingers pressin' into her moist flesh. Her heart was poundin', her loins on fire. As he spun her around, her dress rippin' open..." You know how many times I've experienced that?
Rose
[puzzled] Your loins have been on fire?
Yes! [Reading again] "...she melted into..."
Rose
Where exactly are your loins?
Rose, it doesn't matter, just listen. "...she melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him..."
Rose
I didn't know people had loins! I've heard of loin of pork...
[indicating Blanche] In her case, the same thing.
What a waste, Rose Nylund in New York!
Rose
[to Dorothy] It's going to be a great trip, you wait and see. You're going to be cured, and I'm going to get to see the Big Potato!
[Blanche gives Dorothy a "See?" look]
I said she was comforting, I didn't say she was smart.
Rose
You know, there are all sorts of things that people get that they can't diagnose, and then they disappear as mysteriously as they came. Gustav Lundqvist got sick from something mysterious, and he nearly died - well, he did die, in fact. Then at the cemetery, Beatrice Lundqvist, his wife, kept screaming, "He's alive! He's alive! I can hear him from the grave!" Well, everybody thought it was the hallucinations of a grieving widow, so they sedated her. But when she woke up from her sedation, she told them that he said from the grave, "We never paid our '78 through '86 income taxes!" And his partner said, "Only Gustav would know that! He must be alive!" So, they all raced to the cemetery, and the entire town started digging like crazy, kneeling by the grave, using their hands even, dirt flying and Beatrice screaming. And when they opened that coffin, there he was... dead as a doornail.
What is the point of that ridiculous story, Rose?!
Rose
The point is, Gustav didn't die from his mysterious disease at all! He lived and recovered. The trouble is, he recovered while he was buried, so by the time they got to him, he'd died of suffocation.
I just don't believe these stories you tell, Rose!
Rose
Another tragic aspect was, the IRS was waiting at the cemetery to arrest Gustav's partner, Bergstrom. So, Bergstrom killed himself right then and there, by grabbing the gun from Sheriff Tokqvist and shooting himself. What they did then was, since the grave was still open, and everyone was right there, and Gustav and Bergstrom had been partners, so they put Bergstrom in with Gustav and had a double burial. Unfortunately, later they found out that Bergstrom wanted to be cremated.
Rose, what the hell are you doing?
Rose
I'm making omelets for us without yolks so we don't get too much cholesterol. That leaves us all these yolks which I hate to throw out, so I thought we'd give 'em to the homeless.
Fine, give them egg yolks. They'll die of heart attacks, they won't need homes. Your heart's in the right place, Rose, but I don't know where the hell your brain is!
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
