Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

[walks up to Blanche holding newspaper] Blanche, it's YOU!

Blanche

Oh, you're gettin' so good at that, Rose. [points at Dorothy] Now who's that over there?

Blanche

Dorothy, quick, turn on the television. Gil's press conference is about to start.

Rose

Gosh, I'm nervous. I hope they're not too hard on him.

Dorothy

Well, I wouldn't be too sure of that. Look at all of those reporters.

Blanche

Yeah! There's Charlie Thompson, and Fred Leone, and Mike Devlin!

Blanche

I had lunch at the Press Club once.

Rose

Only once? Gosh, it took me two years to learn everybody's name on Eight is Enough!

Rose

I'm still confused about the operation that Gil Kessler had. Is the man asleep during it?

Dorothy

I think so.

Rose

And what about the parts they put on? Do they test them first?

Dorothy

Of course, Rose. You know, like windshield wipers.

Rose

So they work?

Dorothy

I assume so, yes.

Rose

[Brief pause] ...What are they made of?

Dorothy

[irritated] Silly Putty, Rose!

Sophia

Drink this. It's a secret potion from the old country, guaranteed to put you to sleep.

Rose

Looks like milk.

Sophia

Trust me, Rose. Drink it, slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [unbeknownst to Rose, Sophia takes a saucepan from the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [walks up to Rose from behind and raises saucepan]

Rose

I don't feel any tingling. When's it going to hit me?

Blanche

Sophia! What are you doin'?

Sophia

[Freezes with the saucepan in her hand] ...I was making a souffle, and it got away from me!

Stan

So Blanche, is Ted over here?

Blanche

What?

Stan

Oh I get it, he's in the shower.

Blanche

Stanley, your brother isn't here.

Stan

Come on Blanche. Did you get it with Ted?

Blanche

What?

Stan

You know. Cha-cha-cha, tango,tango,ole, ole

Rose

Nobody here speaks Spanish Stan.

Stan

Oh I got it, right, I can play dumb.

Sophia

Play, you could manage the team.

Blanche

Rose tells us you're gettin' married.

Yes, and I hope I'm good at it. I don't have that much experience vith vomen.

Blanche

A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here!

Vell, it vas nice meeting all of you. [runs out front door]

Rose

[following Sven] It was an expression, Sven!

Blanche

[to Dorothy] You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family.

Blanche

[explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.

Dorothy

Did you explain any of this to Sven?

Blanche

I assumed he knew!

Dorothy

Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!

Blanche

Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!

Rose

Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.

Blanche

Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!

Dorothy

Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!

Rose

I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.

Blanche

Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!

Dorothy

[opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!

Blanche

Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...

Dorothy

Blanche, we know what it is.

Rose

I thought it was in the shape of Florida!

Blanche

That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.

Dorothy

If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!

Blanche

Still worried about the money you owe the government?

Dorothy

Oh no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.

Rose

Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.

Rose

You know that promotion I'm up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.

Blanche

Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!

Dorothy

Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.

Blanche

[laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?

[in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?

Dorothy

Have we met?

Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."

Dorothy

Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.

That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.

Dorothy

So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---

Toto.

Dorothy

---Mr. Toto?

Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.

Rose

Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]

Dorothy

Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!

Rose

So what?

Dorothy

So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."

Is that signed "Doug"?

Dorothy

Yes.

I know him; he's a sick man.

Dorothy

[showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.

Dorothy

Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!

Sophia

[walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!

Dorothy

[mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.

[to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!

Rose

Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.

[to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.

Dorothy

How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!

Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!

Blanche

Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!

Rose

[on Blanche] I think she's a gerchominochen!

Well, what exactly does that mean?

Rose

Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.

Rose

But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.

Dorothy

Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...

Rose

Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!

Sophia

Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!

Rose

The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.

Dorothy

Scared? Of what?

Blanche

Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.

Dorothy

Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.

Sophia

They're not very nice, they eat dogs.

Dorothy

Ma, they do not eat dogs!

Sophia

Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.

Dorothy

Ma, you made that up.

Rose

Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.

Dorothy

Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!

Blanche

Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!

Sophia

It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.

Dorothy

I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!

Rose

You mean you're kicking us out?

Dorothy

Rose, I have to study!

Sophia

That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.

Blanche

I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!

Dorothy

And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!

Sophia

That's it, everybody out!

Blanche

Sophia, we're scared!

Sophia

I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!

Rose

Sophia, are you busy?

Sophia

Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.

Rose

Why?

Sophia

I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!

Rose

I have a problem.

Sophia

All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.

Rose

No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!

Sophia

Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?

Rose

He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!

Sophia

That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.

Blanche

[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?

Sophia

I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.

Dorothy

[enters] Ma, I have a problem.

Sophia

Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?

Dorothy

Yes.

Sophia

Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!

Blanche

Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?

Sophia

It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.

Rose

What happened to it, Sophia?

Sophia

Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!

Dorothy

Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?

Sophia

Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!

Sophia

Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.

Rose

Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]

Blanche

That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!

Sophia

Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.

Blanche

Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]

Sophia

What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?

Dorothy

You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?

Sophia

Sure, you buying?

Dorothy

Does a pepperoni swim upstream?

Sophia

It did once, let's go!