Rose Nylund quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Girls, wait a minute! We're talking about the sacred institution of marriage here! Are you willing to sacrifice the happiness of these two kids for the almighty dollar?

Yes!

Rose

I just wanted to be sure we were in agreement.

Dorothy

[handing Priscilla a crystal goblet after Priscilla announces she and Ramón are eloping] Listen, we were going to give you your wedding gift tomorrow, but since we won't see you, why don't you take it home with you tonight?

Oh, thank you! [she quickly leaves]

Blanche

Good night. [To Dorothy] Dorothy, are you crazy?! We're going to lose a fortune on this wedding!

Rose

And you let her march out that door with your best piece of crystal!

Dorothy

[into the telephone] Hello, police? Yes, I'd like to report a robbery.

Rose

[arriving at the dance tournament and seeing Blanche and Dorothy there] Hi, girls!

Dorothy

Et tu, Judas?

Rose

No, it's me, Rose. I'm just wearing my hair a little differently.

Rose

Well, let me give you a little friendly advice - you're wasting your time, because that $1,000 prize is going to be mine. When I was younger I was known as the Dancing Fool.

Dorothy

How old were you when they dropped the "Dancing" part? [she and Blanche crack up]

Rose

[to her dance partner] You know, this reminds me of the big dance back in St. Olaf to kick off Pretzel Week. My Uncle Gunther, after the Great Beernut Shortage of '29---

Dorothy

Foul! Foul! Send a judge over here! [pointing at Rose] This woman is trying to put us to sleep!

Rose

[to Baby] There you are; you get into the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny!

Sophia

All right, I'm going, I'm going... oh sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner in the home.

Rose

[about Baby] In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.

Dorothy

The actor or the sausage?

Alright, I won't go on with this charade any longer... there is something else -- I'm black. If that's a problem for you, I'm white. Of course that will cost you extra.

Dorothy

Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!

And I don't go for that freaky stuff.

Rose

[while Blanche is sitting next to them] Neither do Dorothy and I.

[after the girls discover what purports to be a charm placed under Dorothy's bed to help her sleep] I was just trying to be helpful. I figured with those terrible bags, you needed the rest.

Rose

Dorothy always looks like that.

Blanche

Besides, it would take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies.

Dorothy

Listen, I have an idea; why don't you all take turns hitting me with a two-by-four?

Dorothy

The way to relax when you have to speak in front of a group of people is to imagine what they all look like naked.

Rose

Really?

Dorothy

Yep. And if you do it right, you'll probably even start to laugh.

Blanche

[stares at Rose for a few seconds, shrugs, and then begins staring at Dorothy, then bursts out laughing hysterically. After a few seconds Rose starts to laugh too. Dorothy, exasperated, exits the room.]

Dorothy

Girls, I have some bad news. I am not going to be able to go with you [to the funeral].

Rose

Why not?

Dorothy

It's Ma. She's sick. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.

Blanche

Oh, Doro-... wait a minute! She - she left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago!

Dorothy

She called. She had a bad cannoli when she got there. Right now she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... [Sophia enters the house, looking perfectly healthy]... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!

Rose

Are you all right, Sophia?

Sophia

Of course I'm all right. It's just that halfway to the contest, I realized I forgot the wine.

Rose

For your mussels marinara?

Sophia

No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.

Rose

Dorothy, Sophia's not sick! She didn't eat a bad cannoli! So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up.

Rose

I'm concerned about nuclear war!

Dorothy

And just yesterday, her biggest concern was whether Bubbles the Chimp was traveling with Michael Jackson against his will.

Sophia

[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.

Blanche

Depressing.

Dorothy

Awful.

Rose

Stinky.

Sophia

[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!

Blanche

[about the article in the paper about her supposed affair with Gil Kessler] You girls don't believe this. Well, I mean, I'm not denying that's me in the photograph but I am denying that anything happened. I just dropped off his folder.

Dorothy

Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours?

Blanche

We were just talking.

Rose

Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in the building next door?

Dorothy

Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala!

Dorothy

[examining photo in newspaper of Gil Kessler's alleged "mistress"] Wait a minute, that looks like Blanche's red dress!

Sophia

And those look like Blanche's red shoes!

Dorothy

And aren't they her diamond earrings and gold bracelet?

Rose

That little floozy stole Blanche's clothes!!!

Dorothy

It's like having Agatha Christie right here in our kitchen.