The REAL problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.
Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!
She's talking about when you're in an upright position!
“Three On a Couch” · Season 3, Episode 11
In this episode: Sophia Petrillo (10), Dorothy Zbornak (9), Blanche Devereaux (8), Rose Nylund (5)
MMan
[in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?
Have we met?
MMan
Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
MMan
That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
MMan
Toto.
---Mr. Toto?
MMan
Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
So what?
So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
MMan
Is that signed "Doug"?
Yes.
MMan
I know him; he's a sick man.
[showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
[walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
[mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.
[Another man enters through the open door after the priest leaves and walks up to Rose]
M2Man #2
[to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!
Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.
M2Man #2
[to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!
M2Man #2
Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!
[Dorothy throws Man #2 out of the house. Enter Blanche]
Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!
My name is Sophia Petrillo and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.
[A flashback scene. Blanche is trying to convince Dorothy, who is sick, to go on a double date the two had agreed on.]
Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!
Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.
It is mind over matter. Now, Dorothy, you can get up off that couch! You're not sick anymore, Dorothy! You can... HEAL YOURSELF! WALK, DOROTHY, WALK!
Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife, doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.
[to Blanche] You know what I can't stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?
Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!
Shut up and drink.
This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!
I only put whiskey in the first one.
Oh.
The second and third were vodka.
No wonder my head is spinning!
This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.
[on Blanche] I think she's a gerchominochen!
DDoctor
Well, what exactly does that mean?
Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.
[Pause, as Blanche is shown with a horrified and shocked look on her face.]
But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.
Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...
Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!
[complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!
[to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.
[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]
[to Dr. Ashley] I knew you were a quack! If you were a legitimate shrink you would've strung us along for months!
[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]
Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Scared? Of what?
Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Ma, you made that up.
Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
You mean you're kicking us out?
Rose, I have to study!
That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
That's it, everybody out!
Sophia, we're scared!
I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!
Sophia, are you busy?
Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
Why?
I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
I have a problem.
All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
[enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Yes.
Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
What happened to it, Sophia?
Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!
Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?
Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy all nod]
Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.
Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Sure, you buying?
Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
It did once, let's go!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.