Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Dorothy, your husband's here.

Dorothy

I don't have a husband. Call the police.

Mr. Pfeiffer

How about Thursday night?

Rose

Thursday night?

Blanche

Are you crazy?

Sophia

Not Thursday, hell no!

Mr. Pfeiffer

Sorry, I forgot. The Cosby Show.

[to Blanche] Oh yeah, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

Blanche

I beg your pardon?

With my binoculars I have a terrific view of your bedroom window. I think some of the stuff you do is illegal. I'm looking into it.

Blanche

Why you miserable old... [Dorothy grabs Blanche as she lunges for Mrs. Claxton]

Dorothy

Now Blanche, let's try to get along. Mrs. Claxton, I don't know if you remember me, Dorothy Zbornak.

Sure, I know you. You're the one with nothing going on in your bedroom.

Dorothy

Why you miserable old... [Blanche and Rose grab her as she lunges at Mrs. Claxton]

[delivering a heatfelt eulogy at Mrs. Claxton's funeral] Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved all mankind! She was...

Dorothy

WHO?!

Celia Rubenstein.

Blanche

This funeral isn't for Celia Rubenstein, it's for Frieda Claxton!

Mr. Pfeiffer

The Rubenstein funeral is down the hall.

Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry for the intrusion! ...Frieda Claxton, wasn't she the lady who lived in that old house on Richmond Street?

Blanche

Yes.

Dorothy

Oh Blanche, have you seen Jean this morning?

Blanche

She and Rose shared a room last night. Listen, Dorothy... You don't think Jean would ever...do you?

Dorothy

Look Blanche, I DO NOT believe that anything other than Gin Rummy happened between Jean and Rose last night.

Sophia

For starters, Jean is a lesbian.

Dorothy

Ma.

Blanche

What's funny about that?

Sophia

You aren't surprised?

Blanche

Of course not. I mean I've never known any personally, but isn't Danny Thomas one?

Dorothy

Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian.

Sophia

Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.

Blanche

Rose? Jean has the hots for Rose?!! I don't believe it, I do not believe it!

Dorothy

I was pretty surprised myself.

Blanche

Well, I'll bet! To think Jean would prefer Rose over me! That's ridiculous!

Dorothy

Blanche, please!

Blanche

Now you tell me the truth, if you had to pick between me and Rose, who would you pick? Who?

Dorothy

Blanche, pull yourself together!

Blanche

Oh... I'm sorry. Does Rose know?

Dorothy

No.

Blanche

Oh good, I don't think you ought to tell her. After all, she's not as worldly and sophisticated about these things as I am.

Sophia

Absolutely. If she finds out Danny Thomas is a lesbian, it'll break her heart.

Dorothy

Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

Sophia

I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

Dorothy

That's not a Steven Spielberg movi-...what are they doing?

Sophia

You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were 12.

Dorothy

Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

Sophia

Dirty is in the eye of the beholder. Okay, that's a little dirty.

Dorothy

I cannot watch any more of this.

Rose

[coming in with Blanche] Hi.

Sophia

Wrong button. That's fast forward.

Rose

Oh, my.. what are they doing?

Blanche

I know what they're doing, but I never saw anyone do it at that speed.

Rose

It reminds me of my Uncle Ricky's rabbit farm!

Sophia

That's reverse, Dorothy.

Blanche

I did that once. [the others turn to look at her] It was his birthday.

Dorothy

Margaret, uh, please sit down.

Blanche

Maybe we oughta get her a booster seat.

Dorothy

[to Margaret] Can I get you a drink?

Blanche

How 'bout chocolate milk?

Rose

[sitting down next to Margaret] So, Margaret, you're from Atlanta.

Well that's right.

Blanche

That child over there is trying to steal my daddy away. She ain't better but a tick on a slow moving hound dog.

Dorothy

Why is everyone around here talking like Burl Ives?

Blanche

Dorothy, do you realize it has been four days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?

Dorothy

I know, Blanche. I've been marking the days off on my "Big Ships of the Navy" calendar.

Blanche

I don't think I can stand it much longer! My body feels like a Corvette up on blocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go! I feel like I'm gonna EXPLODE! [grabs Dorothy's hand] Dorothy, you have to help me, you have to do somethin'...

Dorothy

Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand.

Blanche

Maybe Michael needs a little exposure.

Rose

Exposure to what?

Dorothy

To plutonium, Rose.

Dorothy

Rose, what do you call a woman who sleeps with a man on the first date?

Blanche

[trying to defuse situation] A damn good sport?

Blanche

Michael seems like such a nice young man.

Dorothy

Oh, he really is. But I'm worried about him; he's always been a little flighty.

Blanche

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that; Grandma Hollingsworth always said I was a little flighty... Or was it a little floozy?

Dorothy

Rose, what would you call a girl who sleeps with a man she's known for one day?

Blanche

[trying to defuse situation] A damn good sport?

Dorothy

[hearing a bark from the bedrooms] What was that?

Blanche

Rose brought a dog home from the supermarket.

Dorothy

What, couldn't she just get stew meat like she usually does?