Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Was a young woman in a nurse's uniform murdered in this house with a handsaw?

Blanche

Heavens, no!

Are you sure? I'm getting a strong vibration. I see a woman in a white uniform, writhing and screaming. And there's a man kneeling over her.

Blanche

Well, if it was last Wednesday, that was me and the gentleman I'm currently dating. But that was a French maid's uniform.

Blanche

It was at that moment I realized that my bosoms had the power to make music!

Dorothy

Didn't Bette Midler win a special Grammy for that?

Blanche

[about the movie Psycho] It's the reason I prefer not to shower alone.

Dorothy

Sure, Blanche, and Goldilocks and the Three Bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone.

Rose

Excuse me, you made a mistake. Those peaches aren't 59 cents a pound, they're 89 cents. Honesty is the best policy.

Blanche

What are you trying to do, qualify for some scout badge?

Rose

Well, I can't help it if I'm an honest person. Obviously something you don't know anything about.

Blanche

What are you talking about?

Rose

Well, you bought pantyhose in petite. Anybody could see, you couldn't get those past your knees!

Blanche

If you don't keep your voice down, I'm going to hit you in the head with this loin of pork.

Dorothy

[looks at loin of pork] Oh, Blanche, c'mon, 15 dollars and 99 cents?! Now this is too extravagant! I'm not going in on this, besides, I don't even like loin of pork.

Blanche

Well fine, I'm not going in on this night stick.

Dorothy

This is a pepperoni.

Blanche

It's obnoxious.

Rose

Oh, excuse me, you made a mistake, that Windex isn't on sale this week. The regular price is $1.99.

Dorothy

Rose, why don't you just save it for the The Price is Right?!

Rose

Excuse me for trying to be a good American.

Blanche

Would you two please keep your voices down?! I have shopped and dated extensively throughout this market!

Dorothy

That does it, that does it, I am shopping for myself.

Rose

Fine, Blanche and I will do very nicely on our own.

Blanche

Oh no, I'm not shopping with you, Mary Poppins.

Rose

Fine!

Blanche

All right, who put the Raisin Bran in the refrigerator?

Dorothy

I did, do you have a problem with that?

Blanche

Yes I do, I have two problems with it. First, there isn't room enough for it and second, it does not go in the refrigerator, it goes in the cabinet.

Dorothy

It does not go in the cabinet. It stays fresher in the refrigerator.

Blanche

No, it does not stay fresher in the refrigerator; if it stayed fresher in the refrigerator there would be a sign on it saying "refrigerate."

Rose

Actually, you're both wrong. It does not go in the cabinet and doesn't stay fresher in the refrigerator, it belongs in a glass canister. Not only is it visually appealing but you could see if they cheated you out of raisins. I thought everybody knew that.

Dorothy

You know, until I met you, Rose, I didn't know that people actually talked back to their Rice Krispies.

Those are very nice cantaloupes.

Blanche

[thinking he meant her breasts] Why thank you.

Blanche

I also happen to have a room for rent, and the name is Blanche Devereaux.

Rose

Why would you name a room Blanche Devereaux?

Mrs. Devereaux, you must leave this house at once. It is possessed by an evil spirit.

Blanche

Actually, it's possessed by Miami Federal. And at 7%, you couldn't blast me out of here.

Dorothy

Oh girls, let's face facts. The three of us just can't agree on anything. I mean, it is obvious we were not meant to live together.

Blanche

I hate to agree with you, but I think you're right.

Rose

I think so too. In fact, I know so. This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.

Blanche

The Great Herring War?

Rose

Yes. Between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.

Dorothy

Oh, that Great Herring War.

Rose

The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.

Dorothy

Well, that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.

Rose

Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.

Blanche

Weren't they kind of hard to see, riding on the elephants?

Rose

Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like SeaWorld, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.

Dorothy

[struggling to control her laughter along with Blanche] Uh, tell me, Rose, did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?

Rose

[after a long pause] Only once. [Blanche and Dorothy start laughing uncontrollably] But they shot him into a tree. After that, no other herring would do it.

Blanche

You're making this up!

Rose

I am not. My grandfather told me that story. Of course, he also used to call me by my sister's name. And sometimes, he'd wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. I guess he wasn't a very reliable source.

Blanche

I never had PMS.

Rose

Neither did I. But I had a BMW.

Dorothy

[on menopause] What is the big deal, Blanche? It's nothing. Look at it this way: you don't get cramps once a month. You don't go on eating binges once a month. You don't get crazy once a month.

Sophia

You just grow a beard.

Dorothy

Don't listen to her, Blanche.

Sophia

You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!

Blanche

Oh, my GOD!

Rose

I never grew a beard!

Sophia

You never grew brains, either!

Blanche

My God, you're Mr. Burt Reynolds.

I sure hope so. If not, I've got the wrong underwear on.

Rose

I was booked, fingerprints, mug shots, I'm a known criminal! I'll never be able to go back to my hometown again!

Blanche

Oh honey, nobody back home's ever gonna find out about this.

Rose

Oh yes they will! The St. Olaf Courier-Dispatch is known for its investigative reporting!

Dorothy

You're right, that series they did on oat fungus was an uncompromising piece of journalism.

[to Sophia] Which one's the slut?

I AM!!!

Dorothy

[upset because Blanche has been going out with Stan] I thought you were my friend.

Blanche

I am your friend!

Dorothy

Then why are you sleeping with my husband?!

Blanche

What are y'all lookin' at? Get on back to your LeSueur peas.