Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

[responding to Mr. Allen] I'd be happy to, Mr. Allen.

Blanche

[mocking Dorothy] Be happy to, Mr. Allen. My my, Dorothy, aren't we licking boots a little early this morning?

Dorothy

I had a light breakfast.

Blanche

I knew you've been hiding something. You no-good, back-stabbing Jezebel, I demand you show me that paper!

Dorothy

I'm sorry, flattery won't work!

Rose

I haven't been this depressed since I was rejected by Uncle Sam.

Blanche

Well honey, if he was your uncle, it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't like if he was your cousin, where the relationship might have had a future.

Dorothy

Tell me Blanche, have any of your relatives appeared in Deliverance?

Dorothy

We have created a poetry-writing citrus farmer who writes his letters with a lavender felt pen, and Rose thinks he's the most fascinating creature on earth. Now what does that tell you?

Blanche

About Rose?

Dorothy

About the whole bunch of us!

Blanche

I can't help it. There's something about a man in a Santa Claus suit that just drives me absolutely crazy! I don't know. Maybe it's-- it's the warmth of all that RED HOT SWEATY flannel, set against the austere coldness of those BLACK PANTHER LEATHER jack boots...OR maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt from a man who just spent a COLD LONELY year cooped up with a pack of dwarfs! I'm not sure. All I know is the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire!

Dorothy

Blanche, you do realize you're in the minority on this?

Dorothy

Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas, Blanche.

Rose

Merry Christmas Dorothy, Merry Christmas Blanche.

Blanche

Merry Christmas Rose--

Sophia

What the hell is this, The Waltons?

Rose

Did I ever tell you about the time....one Christmas, we launched the production of A Christmas Carol with an all-chicken cast.

Dorothy

God, look at the time!

Blanche

Is it that late? I'm so tired.

Blanche

I once was told I bore a striking resemblence to Miss Cheryl Ladd ... although my bosoms are perkier!

Dorothy

Not even if you were hanging upside-down on a trapeze!

Rose

... "The Men of Blanche's Boudoir".

Blanche

It's a calendar! Each month has a picture of a man who has brought special joy into my life.

Dorothy

Aww Blanche, oh honey, this is so thoughtful. *turns page* ... WHOA!

Blanche

...September?

Dorothy

Yup.

Sophia

I'm surprised you were able to walk in October!

Blanche

Sophia! Now you stop trying to trick Rose just because she's weak, and vulnerable and dimwitted.

Rose

YEAH!

[auditioning Blanche for the play] Please reconsider, Josie. You're the prettiest girl in the county. I need to have your answer now. What's it gonna be?

Blanche

[throwing back her arms to embrace Patrick] I want you to TAKE ME, BIFF!

I'm afraid I popped your bosom!

Blanche

Don't you worry 'bout a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.

Dorothy

I feel like such a fool.

Oh, me too.

Rose

Oh, don't worry, girls. The audience had a real good time and they got their money back on top of it.

Dorothy

That's not what were talking about, you titmouse! We were talking about how humiliated we all were by Patrick.

Rose

Oh, you're right. I feel so common, so cheap, so used. How do you usually deal with that, Blanche?

Blanche

Rose, just for that, I'm going to flush the toilet tonight while you're taking a shower.

Blanche

I am abhorred!

Sophia

We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.

Blanche

Sophia, I said "abhorred".

Sophia

A whore, a slut, a tramp, it's all the same.

Rose

[continuing the description of her vision] There were people everywhere, rushing off to catch trains, sitting on benches, browsing in the souvenir shop.

Blanche

The souvenir shop??

Dorothy

Of course, Blanche. They were all buying T-shirts, you know, the ones that say, "Today is the first day of the end of your life."

Blanche

[rummaging through her shopping purchases] This is for me... this is for me... this is for me... this was for you, but it's so cute, now it's for me... this is for you. [hands Dorothy package]

Dorothy

"Edible Panties." Oh, what a lovely sentiment, thank you. [kisses Blanche on the cheek]

Blanche

You really like 'em?

Dorothy

Like 'em? I love 'em! In fact, I may have the waistband with a glass of milk before I go to bed tonight.