Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

[to Dorothy] I need a chaperone. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Dorothy

What favors?

Blanche

[to Sophia] I need a chaperone. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Sophia

I don't owe you any favors!

Blanche

Oh, really? "But officer, the little old lady was with me; she couldn't possibly have put that banana in your tailpipe!"

Sophia

It'd be an honor to serve.

Sophia

Dorothy, I never understood why your brother liked to wear women's clothes, unless he was queer.

Blanche

Sophia, people don't say "queer" anymore, they say "gay."

Sophia

They say "gay" if a guy can sing the entire score of Gigi. But a six-foot-three, 200-pound married man with kids who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour, I think you have to go with "queer."

Rose

Now I know no one wants to hear one of my stories right now...

Dorothy

That's usually a pretty safe bet, Rose.

Rose

...but you need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche

Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose

Well, let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree. No, Ingmar was different. His mother used to say he brought shame to the House of Hausenfeffershtuledunker. Anyway, you're all wondering where this story is going. So I'll skip the part where he ran up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs and down the stairs and up the stairs...

Dorothy

Rose, you're not skipping!

Rose

Sorry. The point is, it was shame that kept Aunt Katrina from loving slow Ingmar. And it ruined her life. Oh, don't let that happen to you, Sophia. Let go of the shame. So what if he was different? It's okay that you loved him.

Sophia

[in tears] I did love him. He was my son. My little boy. But every time I saw him, I always wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day that I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.

What he was, Sophia, was a good man.

Sophia

[breaking down] My baby is gone!

Oh, Sophia... [She and Sophia embrace as the episode ends]

Dorothy

Blanche, honey, are you okay?

Blanche

Never better, why?

Dorothy

I've just never seen you do anything domestic.

Blanche

Dorothy, I've done the laundry thousands of times! Oh, by the way, we're out of...[tries to read the bleach bottle]...blee-ock.

Blanche

I think I'm actually doing a good job hiding how upset I am.

Dorothy

You mean like how you started sobbing when Clayton asked for more fruit cocktail?

Blanche

I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Dorothy

You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?

Blanche

There must be homosexuals who date women.

Sophia

Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Clayton

I wanted you to meet Doug for a very important reason.

Blanche

Well, why?

Clayton

Blanche, we're getting married.

Rose

But that's impossible Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters. [thinks for a moment] Oh, that's right, you're from the South.

Dorothy

BLANCHE and Clayton aren't getting married you air head! Clayton and Doug are.

Rose

Oh. [hesitantly] O-o-o-h. OH! ... Who??

Rose

It isn't about fancy banquets, it isn't about getting your name in the paper, it isn't about winning the award next year.

Blanche

There now, that's the spirit. [walks out of the room]

Rose

[getting out the award] It's about getting that dead woman's name off of this one. [she tightly clutches and hugs the award with a devious look on her face]

Blanche

Maybe you ought to take a different approach with [Sophia], Dorothy, you know, a more traditional one?

Dorothy

Like what?

Blanche

Uh...I don't know, like, set up a meeting, have Stan ask for your hand, you know, in an Italian sort of way.

Dorothy

What do you want me to do, go in, bow my head, kiss her ring? Hey, you know something that just might work, you know, she thinks of herself as the Godfather, I'll just make her an offer that she can't remember.

Dorothy

[to Blanche] Everybody who's come has been too young, too pretty, too thin, it's like you want to be surrounded by women who have absolutely no sex appeal.

Rose

You think we're dogs, don't you?

Blanche

Now that is just too eerie.

[to Blanche, about Rose] Crazy or stupid?

Blanche

We think it's a mix.

Rose

[to Sophia] Let me tell you about a lesson I learned when I was a little girl in St. Olaf. If you hold a bird gently, the bird will stay, but if you squeeze the bird, his eyes will bug out. [Sophia stares at Rose blankly; Blanche, listening off to the side, looks pained] And Mr. Pet Shop Owner gets very huffy and he won't let you touch the birds anymore. And the mice, he won't even let you...

Blanche

[hurrying over] ROOOOOOSE... what is eight times six? [Rose begins counting with her fingers.] Okay, now that we have a few minutes... I think Rose made two very good points. One, not all psychotics are dangerous; and two, honey, you have to let go. Dorothy's capable of making her own decisions. Does any of this make any sense to you, Sophia?

Sophia

Not completely. I still think Rose has the capacity to kill. [Walks away]

Blanche

[Realizes Rose is still counting] Oh Rose, sorry honey, pencils down.

Rose

I could've used a pencil?

Rose

Yeah Blanche, so what? So life threw the dumb country girl a crumb for once. I mean, you're sexy and beautiful all the time. Let's face it, you have Bette Davis eyes and Freddy Krueger hands.

Blanche

I have had it with you! I'm going into my room and may never come out. [Blanche storms off to her room]

Rose

Is it the weekend already?

Blanche

Girls, what a glorious day! I just feel so pretty and alive, and young as a teenager!

Dorothy

Oh, that's terrific, Blanche. Oh, by the way, you got a phone call this morning from your grandson - he got his driver's license!

Dorothy

[reading the penny-saver ad, about which Rose and Blanche are very upset] "Does your face look like this? Do your hands look like this? You need Ponce de Leon Anti-Aging Cream!" [begins laughing hysterically, then notices Blanche and Rose glaring at her] I'd sue.

Blanche

[snatching penny-saver out of Dorothy's hand] Dorothy Zbornak, how could you?! Oh, look - they have airbrushed liver spots all over us!!!

Dorothy

Tell me about it. You guys look like you should be barking on the front seat of a fire engine! [clams up when she sees Blanche and Rose glaring at her again] I really would sue.

Blanche

I know but now there's more at stake, everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.

Sophia

You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?

Blanche

Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

Sophia

I'm just saying you're lucky Jack and Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip column.

Dorothy

Ma!

Sophia

Please, pussycat, I'm on a roll.

Blanche

I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were meant to be together.

Sophia

I wish I could say the same for your thighs. God, I'm hot tonight.

Blanche

I'm not gonna stand for this.

Sophia

Take it, Dorothy!

Dorothy

But I'll bet you'll lay down for it.

Sophia

Well that was just plain rude!

Blanche

Some people just don't know when to quit.