Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Ma, will you stop meddling in my life? I am sick of it! I told you, if I want a date I can find one for myself!

Blanche

Oh, Dorothy, dear sweet delusional Dorothy.

Dorothy

Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm having a heart to heart with my mother. [turns to Sophia] Now, listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey!

Sophia

I don't have to take this! Keep it up, and I'll send you to Shady Pines!

Dorothy

That's where I take you!

Sophia

Ouch... guess I backed into that one.

Rose

[telling a story about St. Olaf's moodiest plastic surgeon] Dr. Olfnooner did some work on my mom, and do you who she came out looking like? Raymond Massey!

Dorothy

Rose, that's terrible!

Rose

Well, that's what I thought when I accused the guy of malpractice and ruined his business. Unfortunately, little did I know...

Blanche

Know what, Rose?

Rose

That was the look she was going for!

[meeting Blanche] Blanche Devereaux! I've heard quite a bit about you!

Blanche

All good, I hope.

I'm sorry, I can't reveal things learned in Confession. But it's nice to match a name up with a face.

Blanche

A woman has the option to say no. Honey, you weren't given that option. You were given nitrous oxide.

Sophia

Blanche, when have you ever said "no?"

Blanche

Did I say there was gonna be a question and answer period after I spoke?

Blanche

I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal.

Rose

[getting up to leave the kitchen] Believe what you want. See if I care. [muttering while opening the door] Hypersexual bitch. [Dorothy looks taken by surprise and Blanche awkwardly swallows her drink. Both look in the door's direction.]

Dorothy

Blanche, I need to talk to you privately.

Blanche

Okay.

Dorothy

There's this person, someone I've known for quite a while, and lately there seems to be this attraction developing. An attraction I've been trying to deny-- Blanche, what are you doing?

Blanche

It's a curse. My beauty's always been a curse. I'm sorry, Dorothy, but like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimson weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor.

Dorothy

I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot!

Blanche

Get outta here! Stan has the hots for me?

Dorothy

For me, not you, fatal blossom, for me.

Dorothy

Can you believe what we just heard.

Blanche

I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "NUN", the word says it.

Blanche

[turns around, seductive] Hello... Oh my God, no! [runs around the table and hides behind Dorothy]

Rose

All right, so he's not a 10!

Blanche, honey, please!

Blanche

Oh my God, what in hell? Why do you look like that? I don't believe this!

Dorothy

Blanche! Blanche! Who is this?

Blanche

If I didn't know better, I would say my dead husband George! [runs out of the restaurant]

Dorothy

George, we've heard so much about you! [extends hand]

[after hearing Blanche's problem] Excuse me, I've had some experience with marital discord myself.

Blanche

Sonny Bono, get off my lanai!

Blanche

Y'know, usually I feel so empty when I realize George isn't here, but this time it's different.

Dorothy

How?

Blanche

Well, I don't know. The dream was diff- oh, wait. [smiles] I got to hug him. [gasps] You know how I always wake up before I get to hug George? This time I didn't.

Rose

Oh Blanche, that's wonderful!

Blanche

It was wonderful, Rose.

Sophia

[on Tony] Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc and he was coming at me with a hose!

Dorothy

Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream.

Blanche

Did he put out the fire?

Sophia

Three times.

Blanche

Wow, the seldom-achieved Joan of Arc Fantasy Triple! Sophia, I hate you.

Sophia

What if I got gorgeous for nothing? What if Tony doesn't even notice me?

Blanche

Well, that's his hard luck. There are other fish in the sea.

Sophia

Yeah, and all the ones my age are floating on the top!

Miles

I hope you're ready for a swell time Rose.

Rose

[Who has to stay celibate until water comes in St Olaf ] Sure just give me a minute. [Goes to Blanche] What if he wants to go back to his place?

Blanche

Tell him you have a lot of work to do at home.

Rose

I don't wanna lie.

Blanche

When you get home I'll make you clean out the garage.

Rose

Thanks Blanche, I owe you one.

Blanche

[deceitfully posing Sophia as her grandmother] Having a chaperone is an old Southern tradition. Grammy brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves and make my own clothes.

Sophia

We was po'.

Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperone.

Blanche

Well as I said, it's a tradition. We Southern families stick together.

Sophia

We sho' do.

Blanche

All right, WHO or WHAT ate the heel off of one of my new red pumps?!

Rose

[attempting to take the blame for Bingo] I did.