I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.
Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?
First there'd be the Christmas pageant with the shepherds and the angels, and the Two Wise Men.
BlancheThere were three wise men, Rose.
Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle, and then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.
Blanche
Why, Rose?
Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then the next morning the rumors would start... and they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell, it's Christmas!"
Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world! What kind of a gift is dental floss?
Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.
[tosses package to Rose] Here, go floss yourself. This stinks! After the swell gift I sent him!
Blanche
What was it?
Blanche
L.L. Bean?
Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick, and it doesn't matter who picks you because it's bound to be a terrific gift. Go ahead, Blanche.
Blanche
[Picking out a name for who she's going to buy a present for] Okay, I buy for... Dorothy.
Boy Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.
Blanche
[giggles nervously]
Go ahead Dorothy, you go.
Okay, I I buy for.... Ma.
Yes! [she and Dorothy slap each other five and cheer]
[Blanche, realizing she is going to get Rose's gift, now looks mortified]
This really was a great idea! This is really fun!
Blanche
Oh shut up, Rose!
My turn... I buy for.... Rose.
Blanche
Oh! Thank You God!
No, no, Rose, you can't pick yourself.
Oh thank goodness, I'm so hard to shop for.
Blanche. [Blanche looks pained]
Thanks Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel! [Blanche buries her head in the palm of her hand, while Dorothy and Sophia look on and grin]
[Blanche shocked to see Merrill who was released from prison]
Blanche
Dorothy, you didn't tell me you were having company.
Blanche
Well, how do you do, Merrill? [realizing who he is immediately jumps from the couch] MERRILL!
He is here to see Blanche, and we told him we don't know when Blanche will be back.
Blanche
Oh, no, you wouldn't want to wait around for her, she's cold... frigid, hardly likes men at all.
And she's ugly, isn't she?
Blanche
Ugly is kind of a strong word, Rose.
Blanche
She is not wrinkled.
Blanche
Stop that! You stop that right now, she is none of those things, she is gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!
MMerrill
All right, works for me, tell Blanche I'll be back.
Blanche
[after Merrill leaves] And stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
Blanche
[comes into the kitchen dressed in cowgirl costume] Oh, Dorothy, by any chance did you borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?
Blanche, you look ridiculous!
Blanche
Oh, I do not! I'm a cowgirl! Yippie-i-o-K-Y!
Blanche
Whatever.
Blanche
[on her scheme to put a fake ad in the paper for a Mercedes for sale, in order to meet men] I'm renting [a Mercedes] and pretending it's for sale. All day tomorrow, men are going to be showing up here for a test drive! You can tell a lot about a man by the way he drives.
You know, that's true. Sometimes Stan couldn't even get the key in the ignition.
[Sophia and Dorothy return from a visit to the doctor]
Sophia, Dorothy, how'd it go at the doctor's?
It was great. He says that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.
[sarcastically] Oh, lucky me, I can remember from now on, my whole past is gone! I could have slept with JFK and don't even know it!
Ma, I don't think so, you're not mentioned in any of the books.
Blanche
Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything...
Blanche
I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami - Robert. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know, he was the first one ever to use mousse?
I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr. Ingrid of St. Olaf has been using mousse ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses. But it'll keep your hair in place in winds up to 130 miles an hour!
Blanche
I just don't believe you, Rose!
A lullaby my mother used to sing to me when I was a little girl. So when I'm scared or alone, I sing it, and it gives me courage.
Blanche
No song is going to help me.
[singing] Over there, over there, send the word, send the word over there, that the Yanks are coming, the Yanks are com...
THAT is the lullaby that your mother sang to you?
Well, it was the only song she knew. During World War I, she gave out donuts and coffee to the doughboys before they boarded the trains for Europe. It works, truly! She said no one can be scared when they hear that song...except maybe the Kaiser.
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
