Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Something attractive in rubber.

Blanche

[pauses] ...I have that.

S5 E2 The Accurate Conception

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Blanche

You know, a lot of those European girls don't shave under their arms.

Is that true?

Blanche

They just let it all hang out.

Really?

Blanche

Bushy as can be.

Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?

Like Milton Berle, Rose.

S5 E3 Rose Fights Back

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Blanche, you saw that dolphin, all tangled up in that tuna boat's net. Thousands of them die that way each year. We have to do something.

Blanche

You're absolutely right. From this moment on, no more tuna fish.

Blanche, you hate tuna fish.

Blanche

Alright, then no more tuna fisher... men.

S5 E4 Love Under the Big Top

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Blanche

Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.

I asked you to tell him I'm not going.

Blanche

I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.

Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.

I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.

Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.

What?!

Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.

Blanche

Well, I couldn't!

Of course she couldn't!

Blanche

You stay out of this, Dorothy.

Well, why not? It's all over between us. He'll know that tonight.

Blanche

It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...

A backstabbing slut?

Blanche

...No...

Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.

Blanche

Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favor to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed. [Blanche exits]

[to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

S5 E5 Dancing in the Dark

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Hi, Ma. Hello, Martha. Where were you?

I'll give you a hint. The guest of honor had lipstick on her teeth and didn't give a damn.

Blanche

Who died?

Martha

My best friend, Lydia.

I'm so sorry.

Martha

She suffered so. It was a blessing in disguise.

I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

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It was just a dream, Sophia.

It's not just a dream for me. Martha wants to commit suicide...and she wants me to be there with her.

Blanche

And what did you say?

I said I'd think about it. You can't say no to someone who pops for a $75 dinner; tell them, Blanche.

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[The baby the girls are watching is crying, Blanche is in the rocker, trying to get it to sleep.]

Blanche

What is wrong with this baby? Honey, darling, please shut up for aunt Blanche!

"Rose: [To Dorothy] You know, in St. Olaf we had a sure-fire method for getting babies to sleep!

If herring, elk, or anyone named Sven figures in this, I don't wanna hear it.

Okay! I've got another one! Whenever my kids couldn't sleep, we always sang to them.

Blanche

A lullaby?

Rose; Well sort of, Mr. Sandman!

I don't know, Rose.

Blanche

Dorothy, come on it's worth a try! It's either we sing, or he sings.

Alright.

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Boom.

[Blanche and Dorothy stare at Rose, weird expressions on their faces.]

[With more energy] Boom! Well?

Blanche

Well what?

After my boom comes your boom, and then yours, until we're all booming.

How complicated is that herring thing?

Boom.

Blanche

Boom.

Boom.

[All together]

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom."

Boom. boom. boom. boom.

ATAll together

"Make him the cutest that I've ever seen."

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

ATAll together

"Give him two lips, like roses and clover."

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

ATAll together

"And tell him that his lonesome nights are over."

[The baby has stopped crying, they all start creeping to the kitchen. The baby cries.]

Boom.

ATAll together

"boom. boom. boom. boom. boom. boom."

"Yes?"

ATAll together

"Bring me a dream, make him the cutest that I've ever seen."

[Girls start swaying to the music, losing interest in the baby.]

I'm so alone! [Turns to see the other two have stopped, looks at Sophia.]

Boy, you guys really stink!

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Blanche

Dorothy's going through her high school yearbook to see who all's dead.

That's my pussycat, fun, fun, fun!

S5 E8 Comedy of Errors

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[Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirstin the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.

Blanche

So you told her?

No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.

You are kidding, Rose?

No! That's how my mother taught me.

Blanche

Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about...what a man would look like?

It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? [Blanche guffaws] Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

S5 E9 All That Jazz

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[Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after a falling out with her son Michael] Now look - Rose, stop whining! You know that you're going to have to speak to your boss about your workload. Wallowing in self pity is not going to help!

Blanche

[walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?

[voice breaking] My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!

Dorothy, I'm sorry I bothered you.

I'm sorry I snapped at you, Rose. It's just that I am upset. I AM VERY UPSET!

Are you upset because you don't know what to do about Michael?

No. I'm upset because I can't make any sense out of those commercials for "Obsession".

S5 E9 All That Jazz

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Blanche

[about Michael] You just did what you had to!

Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy wondering where he is- I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know, or in some flophouse or out on the street!

[walking in] Michael called; he's staying with Stan.

OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

S5 E9 All That Jazz

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[reading the newspaper] Miami will be busy this weekend with ten major conventions. Listen to this. ...the highlight being the Citrus Festival Ball, which is being chaired this year by 35-year-old Blanche Devereaux. How much did that cost you?

Blanche

I don't have to pay for my compliments!

You went to bed with him.

Blanche

Twice. But it's not like I wouldn't have anyway.

S5 E10 Ebb Tide

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[at the Hollingsworth mansion]

Virginia

You are the one who has never been here for the family. You.

Blanche

I have always been here for this family and how dare you say otherwise!

Virginia

Everything you do is for Blanche. To tell you the truth, I am surprised that you even made it to the funeral at all.

Blanche

Maybe you would have been happier if I hadn't!

Virginia

Maybe not happier, but at least this family would be able to grieve for Big Daddy without wondering what is in it for Blanche!

Blanche

Oh, fine. Hey, you don't have a thing to worry about. You won't even have to think about Blanche, because if you're going to be at that funeral, I refuse to go! [storms out]

S5 E10 Ebb Tide

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