Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

Dreyfuss is gone.

Blanche

He ran away?

Sophia

No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation. Of course he ran away!

Blanche

But when?

Sophia

I'm not sure. I have it pinpointed sometime between 10:15 today and late last Thursday.

Blanche

You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?

Sophia

I have no recollection period since last Thursday! Anything could have happened in three days. I just hope I'm not carrying Steve Garvey's baby.

Rose

[Blanche has just come back from her appointment with the plastic surgeon who will perform her breast augmentation] Hi, Blanche. How was your appointment with Dr. Rosenzweig?

Blanche

Well, I was so nervous that I just rushed right in there and pulled off my top, and said, "Well, what do you think?"

Rose

What did he say?

Blanche

Well, he said, "I think you're probably looking for Dr. Rosenzweig. But if you ever want a discount on life insurance, call me."

Dorothy

Ma, you cannot get upset over [losing] one pound.

Sophia

Maybe you can't, I can. For fifty years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.

Blanche

Mornin', Dorothy. Mornin', Sophia.

Sophia

Who?

Blanche

Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called "dirty dancing"?

Dorothy

Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.

Rose

What movie?

Dorothy

Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

Blanche

This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?

Dorothy

Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.

Sophia

And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]

Blanche

Dorothy, now do you see why I'm so embarrassed? Can you imagine a dance with movements just like making love and I can't do it?!

Dorothy

Relax Blanche, maybe standing up is what's throwing you.

Blanche

Listen, tell me I can't do better than this in my sleep. [Opens a book and begins to read] "He grabbed her. She could feel his fingers pressin' into her moist flesh. Her heart was poundin', her loins on fire. As he spun her around, her dress rippin' open..." You know how many times I've experienced that?

Rose

[puzzled] Your loins have been on fire?

Blanche

Yes! [Reading again] "...she melted into..."

Rose

Where exactly are your loins?

Blanche

Rose, it doesn't matter, just listen. "...she melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him..."

Rose

I didn't know people had loins! I've heard of loin of pork...

Sophia

[indicating Blanche] In her case, the same thing.

Blanche

[Comparing Dorothy's situation to the book she plans to write] Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker. Though, of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science fiction! [She walks out of the kitchen laughing]

Dorothy

Remind me, when I feel better, to kick the crap out of her.

Blanche

What a waste, Rose Nylund in New York!

Rose

[to Dorothy] It's going to be a great trip, you wait and see. You're going to be cured, and I'm going to get to see the Big Potato!

Dorothy

I said she was comforting, I didn't say she was smart.

Blanche

Oh, girls, I have Writer's Block! It is the worst feeling in the world!

Sophia

Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

Blanche

You just sit there, hour after hour after hour!

Sophia

Tell me about it.

Rose

You know, there are all sorts of things that people get that they can't diagnose, and then they disappear as mysteriously as they came. Gustav Lundqvist got sick from something mysterious, and he nearly died - well, he did die, in fact. Then at the cemetery, Beatrice Lundqvist, his wife, kept screaming, "He's alive! He's alive! I can hear him from the grave!" Well, everybody thought it was the hallucinations of a grieving widow, so they sedated her. But when she woke up from her sedation, she told them that he said from the grave, "We never paid our '78 through '86 income taxes!" And his partner said, "Only Gustav would know that! He must be alive!" So, they all raced to the cemetery, and the entire town started digging like crazy, kneeling by the grave, using their hands even, dirt flying and Beatrice screaming. And when they opened that coffin, there he was... dead as a doornail.

Blanche

What is the point of that ridiculous story, Rose?!

Rose

The point is, Gustav didn't die from his mysterious disease at all! He lived and recovered. The trouble is, he recovered while he was buried, so by the time they got to him, he'd died of suffocation.

Blanche

I just don't believe these stories you tell, Rose!

Rose

Another tragic aspect was, the IRS was waiting at the cemetery to arrest Gustav's partner, Bergstrom. So, Bergstrom killed himself right then and there, by grabbing the gun from Sheriff Tokqvist and shooting himself. What they did then was, since the grave was still open, and everyone was right there, and Gustav and Bergstrom had been partners, so they put Bergstrom in with Gustav and had a double burial. Unfortunately, later they found out that Bergstrom wanted to be cremated.

Blanche

Oh, shut up, Rose!!!

Blanche

If you will excuse me, Becky and I are having breakfast on the lanai. We're still bonding.

Sophia

Dorothy, how come we never bond?

Dorothy

We're from before bonding and quality time. We're from when people stayed together because they had no choice.

Blanche

[in the sperm bank during Becky's doctor's appointment] What in hell are we doin' here? I feel like I'm in the middle of some awful dream, yet I know it can't be a dream because there are no boy dancers.

Mother!

Blanche

I just cannot believe you are actually going to give money to someone like this "sperm pusher!" You are a Devereaux, a Devereaux has never had to pay for it, I certainly haven't.

Dorothy

She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Rose

Just last week, I was reading that you can buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or was it Star Search winners?

Blanche

Buy? Well sperm used to be free, it was all over the place!

Well, Mama, I'm going to do this whether you like it or not.

Blanche

Oh? Oh, I see, missy. So this is the thanks I get for all those cold nights when you were a baby crying, and I had to get up out of bed and grope around in the dark for my slippers and robe, make my way all the way downstairs and, scream for the governess?!! [storms off]

Blanche

My little girl is going to have a baby by artificial insemination.

Blanche

I just can't bear to think about it.

Blanche

I'm just being silly, aren't I?

Blanche

For God's sake, someone say something!

Rose

[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!

Dorothy

[to Rose] Big help.

Blanche

Dorothy, what about you? You're always the sensible one around here, the free, modern thinker who keeps up with the times. Now what do you think?

Dorothy

[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!