Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Rose, honey, there's something I have to say to you. It's just two little words but, they are the hardest two little words in all the whole world for me to say.

Rose

"Not tonight"?

Clayton

I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this. It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth.

Rose

Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding and compassionate, and forgiving.

Blanche

Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two-faced dummy!

Rose

And then at other times she can be a real bitch.

Blanche

Who's that at the door?

Rose

It's me, Blanche.

Blanche

The other side!

Blanche

Any word on Sophia?

Dorothy

None. Oh, I hate waiting.

Blanche

I hate hospitals.

Rose

I hate when the people put each other down on Love Connection.

Rose

Blanche, we can't let Dorothy ruin Stan and Katherine's wedding. I mean, it's selfish, it's adolescent and it'd put a real cramp in their honeymoon.

Blanche

Rose!

Rose

[continuing] For somebody who's supposed to be so smart, Dorothy's acting like a real goober!

Blanche

Rose...

Rose

And don't think I won't be able to say that right to her face. 'Course, I'd have to stand on a chair!

Rose

It's her, isn't it?

Stan

Will you girls excuse me, my girdle is killing me.

Rose

He's wearing a girdle?

Dorothy

And padded shoulder.

Blanche

And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.

Dorothy

[Blanche is trying to convince her not to use a favorite towel of hers to mop up the mess from the leaking roof] Blanche, please! I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold wet sand!

Blanche

I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.

Dorothy

You're lying, Blanche.

Blanche

Damn you're good!

Sophia

Gin!

Blanche

Sophia, we're playin' Hearts.

Sophia

I know, I felt like drinking some. If I'm gonna get through a boring Saturday night with you two, I'll need a buzz.

Blanche

[on Ernie] Impotent? Are you sure?

Dorothy

Oh Blanche, what would you have done, asked him to prove it?

Rose

[on Ernie] But I still can't understand why he hasn't even approached the subject of... you know... sex. I mean, not that I'm in a hurry or anything, but we have been dating awhile.

Blanche

Honey, sometimes you have to stoke a man's fire a little bit.

Sophia

Words of wisdom from the human torch.

Blanche

I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.

Rose

Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts too?

Eddie

I'd better get going. I've caused enough trouble.

Dorothy

Look, Eddie, can't we see each other occasionally just as friends?

Eddie

It won't work. It's like trying to eat one potato chip. Au revoir. Oh, hello, Sophia.

Sophia

Hello, Eddie. Eddie, I never noticed that beauty mark on your neck.

Eddie

What beauty mark?

Sophia

That one! [Sophia jumps into Eddie's arms and starts kissing his neck]

Blanche

Sophia! Sophia!

Blanche

[on the phone with Steve] I'm almost ready to... What do you mean? I spent all day getting ready! ... Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU DROP DEAD!!! [slams down phone; to girls] Well, I'm off, don't wait up...

Dorothy

Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?

Blanche

[voice quavering] Yes!

Rose

How did you know that, Dorothy?

Dorothy

I'm clairvoyant, Rose.

Rose

You're so lucky. I get into a pool and I sink like a stone.

Blanche

In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.

Rose

What kind of protection?

Dorothy

Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]

Rose

A Nestle's Crunch?

Dorothy

One over.

Rose

An enema bag?

Dorothy

To the right.

Rose

Dentu-Grip?!

Dorothy

CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!

Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche

There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.

Dorothy

[grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.

Rose

[looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.

Blanche

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

[speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS.

THE LAMBSKINS OR THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE?

TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE...IN BLACK.