Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

So when the waiter brought my order, he set down a big bowl of gazpacho right in front of me, and I said, "I ordered the consomme'." He said, "A hot number like you needs something spicy." And I said, "I'll give you something spicy," and I poured the gazpacho right down his pants.

Dorothy

So you never went out with him.

Blanche

No... just slept with him. He wasn't my type.

Rose

Oh my goodness, Blanche, how could you?!

Dorothy

Oh come on, Rose, she's just teasing you.

Blanche

That's right, honey, I'm just teasin'. You always tease the one you love. Actually, tease and tickle. Actually, tease, tickle and spank. Actually...

Dorothy

Blanche!

Blanche

There's only one thing for me to do. I'm going to call him up, and tomorrow night I'm going out with that man again, and I don't care what amount of seducin' it takes. But, as God is my witness, I am not returning to this house until he has begged, beseeched, and pleaded with me to go to bed with him. [leaves the kitchen]

Sophia

You know, that was the original ending to Gone with the Wind.

Dorothy

Morning, Rose.

Rose

[cries and goes into kitchen]

Blanche

Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel!

Dorothy

I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!

Blanche

I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!

Sophia

Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Rose

God, I hate fog!

Sophia

Why? You spent most of your life in one!

Rose

I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.

Blanche

What's Mount Losenbaden?

Rose

It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.

Blanche

Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... [panicking] Oh God, it's making SENSE!

Dorothy

[calling to Sophia at the front of the donkey-drawn wagon] How're you doing up there, Ma?

Sophia

Fine!

Blanche

Sophia, why don't you want to sit back here with us, honey?

Sophia

Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better!

Thank you!

Blanche

[to Fred, the repairman] Oh thank God you're here, this heat's driving me crazy!

You're not the only one. The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear!

Dorothy

There's no old lady living... [looks through the kitchen window] MA!!! [runs outside]

Blanche

Do you know what I hate doing most after a party?

Rose

Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?

Rose

Blanche, I would be honored if you would be the first member of the Hunka-Hunka-Burnin'-Love fan club.

Blanche

I graciously accept, and promise to do a good job as president!

Rose

Why should you be president?

Blanche

Well, because I saw Elvis in Harem Scarem over 50 times.

Rose

Well, so did I!

Blanche

I have every album he ever recorded.

Rose

So have I, and every single!

Blanche

I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.

Rose

[leaves kitchen, chagrined] Congratulations, Madam President!

Dorothy

Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.

Blanche

Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with mutton-chop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou, it could've happened!

Dorothy

Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.

Blanche

All right, all right! But I did once make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest and in the middle of it, I cried out Elvis's name. Technically I think that counts.

Blanche

Now listen Dorothy, you can quit smoking. Do it the same way I did it: just taper off - smoke only after sex!

Sophia

Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!

Blanche

But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise: a genuine Elvis artifact!

Rose

It's a partially eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? [passes around pork chop in glass collector's case]

Dorothy

[holding pork chop in case] This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would have never left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs hysterically]

Blanche

[unamused, steals pork chop] Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week. [other members depart] Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.

Dorothy

I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.

Rose

We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.

Blanche

Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion, honey.

Dorothy

Oh, like what, Blanche, the PLO?

Blanche

You know, you really have to give Max and Sophia credit. This business was their dream, and they're going after it. I just wish I'd done that with my dream.

Dorothy

Fine. Honey, would you check on the pizzas? One may be ready.

Blanche

Well, why don't you want to hear about my dream?

Dorothy

Because it is always the same thing with you, Blanche - sex, sex, sex! I am tired of hearing it!

Rose

Maybe that's because you're not getting any, Dorothy.

Dorothy

You want the pot again, Rose?

Dorothy

[trying to convince the bodyguard at the thrift shop to hand over the aviator jacket with the winning lottery ticket inside] Look, if you don't mind, I would like to see this Michael.

You and the rest of Miami! Sorry, the entire engagement is SOLD OUT! Michael! [tosses jacket over the heads of the other bodyguards and into the clutches of a person wearing a black sequined glove; the bodyguards leave]

Blanche

OH! Do you know who that is?!

Sophia

Sure! It's the guy from the Pepsi commercials!

Rose

Pepsi commercial? ... Michael? ... Oh my God, that's Michael J. Fox!!!

Rose

[after the girls lose the auction for the aviator jacket] I guess now I'll never get to fly on the Concord!

Blanche

And I'll never get to buy that emerald pendant to dangle between my perky bosoms.

Sophia

And I'll never get to buy perky bosoms.

Rose

Tell her, Clayton.

Clayton

I will, Rose.

Blanche

Tell me what?

Clayton

Well, I ran into Rose in the park and...

Blanche

And?

Clayton

And we had a long talk and....

Blanche

And?

Clayton

And....we slept together tonight.