Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

So that's it, you're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.

Blanche

That's blackmail!

Sophia

That's show business.

Rose

I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.

Blanche

Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.

Dorothy

Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche

Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me truth - now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?

Rose

Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.

Blanche

I am talking about my job at the museum!!

Dorothy

Of course, you're competent, Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.

Blanche

Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?

Dorothy

I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Blanche

You know, some days, I just want to throw in the towel and take an early retirement. I wonder if you can collect Social Security at 49, 50.

Dorothy

4950--what is that, Blanche, the address of the Social Security building?

Blanche

Oh, Dorothy, high school reunions can be so much fun. I will never forget mine! I was the most successful person there.

Dorothy

Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?

Blanche

Oh, yes, but she let her looks go to hell.

Dorothy

I am so excited! I can't believe I'm going to see Trudy again after all these years!

Rose

Oh, I'm excited for you too, Dorothy. That's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.

Blanche

Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gefluffen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svengebluten?

Rose

No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!

Blanche

(begins to tell a story about "acceptance" to console Dorothy) I remember I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...

Dorothy

Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo-cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.

Blanche

Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.

Dorothy

I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry, go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."

Blanche

Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---

Dorothy

On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta... FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!

Blanche

Anyway, it was at a Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again!

Rose

Why?

Blanche

Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standin' there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new ridin' boots for Christmas! So I did.

Dorothy

Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?

Blanche

Oh - because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy! That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too - along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.

Trudy

[to Dorothy, after beating her at arm wrestling] How does it feel to have your butt whipped?

Blanche

Well, sometimes I find it strangely titillating, but... [pauses when she notices everyone else looking at her strangely] Oh. You were talking to her.

Blanche

I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment!

Rose

Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there!

Sophia

I got the director to change his mind.

Blanche

[excitedly] Oh, then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?

Sophia

No, he doesn't wanna get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.

Blanche

But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothin' to show for it!

Sophia

Welcome to show business.

Dorothy

[making malted milkshakes for herself, Blanche and Rose] Didn't I tell you I used to work in a malt shop when I was in high school?

Blanche

Soda jerk?

Rose

No thanks, I'll have a malted.

Blanche

Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it's like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.

Dorothy

Blanche, you don't mean...

Blanche

Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.

Dorothy

Obviously you fell off the wagon.

Sophia

And onto a naval base!

Blanche

[on why her attempt to give up sex failed] Barely a month had gone by before I started feeling those awful stirrings and urges. I was like a spring bloomin' peach bud just ripened to dewy fruition, waitin' to be plucked by the first handsome man to come my way!

Dorothy

You were looking for some nookie.

Blanche

Exactly.

Blanche

Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!

Sophia

I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?

Rose

[about her sister Holly] We haven't gotten along since we were kids.

Blanche

Why is she coming here then?

Rose

Well, she's here on business. She's a world renown flautist.

Dorothy

Oh, she plays the flute?

Rose

No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute!

Blanche

[on Dreyfuss, the dog] Why is there a big hairy beast in my house?

Sophia

My guess is because he bought you dinner.