Blanche[explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.
Did you explain any of this to Sven?
Blanche
I assumed he knew!
Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!
Blanche
Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!
Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.
Blanche
Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!
Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!
I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.
Blanche
Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!
[opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!
Blanche
Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...
Blanche, we know what it is.
I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche
That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.
If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!
You know that promotion I'm up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche
Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!
Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche
[laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?
MMan
[in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?
MMan
Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
MMan
That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
MMan
Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
MMan
Is that signed "Doug"?
MMan
I know him; he's a sick man.
[showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
[walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
[mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.
[Another man enters through the open door after the priest leaves and walks up to Rose]
M2Man #2
[to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!
Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.
M2Man #2
[to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!
M2Man #2
Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!
[Dorothy throws Man #2 out of the house. Enter Blanche]
Blanche
Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!
[A flashback scene. Blanche is trying to convince Dorothy, who is sick, to go on a double date the two had agreed on.]
Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!
Blanche
Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.
Blanche
It is mind over matter. Now, Dorothy, you can get up off that couch! You're not sick anymore, Dorothy! You can... HEAL YOURSELF! WALK, DOROTHY, WALK!
Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife, doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.
Blanche
[complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!
[to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.
[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]
[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]
Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Blanche
Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Blanche
Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
You mean you're kicking us out?
That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
Blanche
I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
That's it, everybody out!
Blanche
Sophia, we're scared!
I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!
Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
Blanche
[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
[enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Blanche
Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
What happened to it, Sophia?
Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!
Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?
Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy all nod]
Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.
Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
Blanche
That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Blanche
Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
Blanche
Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?
I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
Blanche
This dress looks sensational on me; people expect to see me in a sensational dress!
And what do they expect to see me in, a yarmulke and a Hefty Bag?
Blanche
Dorothy, it deserves to be displayed on a devastatingly beautiful body!
Who you gonna to send it to, Kim Basinger?
Blanche
And what is that supposed to mean?
Why don't you think about it while you're inhaling your next cheesecake?
[Dorothy walks out]
Blanche
How dare she imply that I overeat! Makes me so mad... [she goes to the cupboard and opens it] Oh darn, we're out of Chips Ahoy.
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
