Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Girls, I have some bad news. I am not going to be able to go with you [to the funeral].

Rose

Why not?

Dorothy

It's Ma. She's sick. I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.

Blanche

Oh, Doro-... wait a minute! She - she left for that cooking contest about ten minutes ago!

Dorothy

She called. She had a bad cannoli when she got there. Right now she is doubled over with cramps, crying out with pain and... [Sophia enters the house, looking perfectly healthy]... making the most spectacular comeback since Dennis Hopper!

Rose

Are you all right, Sophia?

Sophia

Of course I'm all right. It's just that halfway to the contest, I realized I forgot the wine.

Rose

For your mussels marinara?

Sophia

No, for me. I always drink wine during cooking contests and My Sister Sam.

Rose

Dorothy, Sophia's not sick! She didn't eat a bad cannoli! So whoever called and said that was just making the whole thing up.

Sophia

[Singing to the tune of "Thanks for the Memory"] "Thanks for the Medicare / For Blue Cross and Blue Shield / For a hip that finally healed / Remember, on prescriptions, generic is a steal / We thank you so much!" Okay, what did you think? Now don't hold back, I can take the criticism.

Blanche

Depressing.

Dorothy

Awful.

Rose

Stinky.

Sophia

[Unplugging her boombox and storming out] Go to hell, all of ya!

Blanche

[about the article in the paper about her supposed affair with Gil Kessler] You girls don't believe this. Well, I mean, I'm not denying that's me in the photograph but I am denying that anything happened. I just dropped off his folder.

Dorothy

Then why does it say here that you were in his house for two hours?

Blanche

We were just talking.

Rose

Then why does it say the explosion was so great it shattered windows in the building next door?

Dorothy

Rose, that's an article about an earthquake in Guatemala!

Blanche

My backside is spread all across the front page! How could they do that?

Sophia

They probably used a wide-angle lens.

Rose

[walks up to Blanche holding newspaper] Blanche, it's YOU!

Blanche

Oh, you're gettin' so good at that, Rose. [points at Dorothy] Now who's that over there?

Blanche

Dorothy, quick, turn on the television. Gil's press conference is about to start.

Rose

Gosh, I'm nervous. I hope they're not too hard on him.

Dorothy

Well, I wouldn't be too sure of that. Look at all of those reporters.

Blanche

Yeah! There's Charlie Thompson, and Fred Leone, and Mike Devlin!

Blanche

I had lunch at the Press Club once.

Rose

Only once? Gosh, it took me two years to learn everybody's name on Eight is Enough!

Blanche

[answers the telephone]) Hello. Yes, this is Blanche Devereaux. Yes, that Blanche Devereaux, and no, I did not! Absolutely not! I will tell it to a judge! I will yell it from the highest mountaintops! I will swear to it on a stack of Bibles! [hangs up telephone] Now did that sound like a liar?

Dorothy

No. It sounded like Jim and Tammy Faye on Nightline!

Blanche

I don't normally speak to people who call me a liar.

Dorothy

Oh come on Blanche, we're in public now. There's no reason to be hostile.

Blanche

Oh, yes there is. I don't like you.

Dorothy

And horizontal stripes make you look like Roger Ebert!

Sophia

Drink this. It's a secret potion from the old country, guaranteed to put you to sleep.

Rose

Looks like milk.

Sophia

Trust me, Rose. Drink it, slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [unbeknownst to Rose, Sophia takes a saucepan from the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [walks up to Rose from behind and raises saucepan]

Rose

I don't feel any tingling. When's it going to hit me?

Blanche

Sophia! What are you doin'?

Sophia

[Freezes with the saucepan in her hand] ...I was making a souffle, and it got away from me!

Dorothy

Floozy.

Blanche

Tramp.

Dorothy

I, I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? "Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" "Join the Army, be all you can be and sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" [raising voice] The Marines are looking for a few good men who have NOT slept with Blanche Devereaux!

Dorothy

Where did you come from?

Blanche

Oh, I was hiding behind the drapes.

Dorothy

What is this, Hamlet?

Stan

So Blanche, is Ted over here?

Blanche

What?

Stan

Oh I get it, he's in the shower.

Blanche

Stanley, your brother isn't here.

Stan

Come on Blanche. Did you get it with Ted?

Blanche

What?

Stan

You know. Cha-cha-cha, tango,tango,ole, ole

Rose

Nobody here speaks Spanish Stan.

Stan

Oh I got it, right, I can play dumb.

Sophia

Play, you could manage the team.

Good night, Blanche.

Blanche

Well, what's your hurry? Come on in for a nightcap.

Oh, I don't want to put you out.

Blanche

Well, I like to put out. ... I mean, it's no trouble.

Sophia

[interrupting Blanche's attempts to seduce Ted] Don't mind me. The Best of Carson is comin' on.

Blanche

In here?!!

Sophia

No, Blanche, in Hollywood, but they pipe it through these little wires and it comes out here.

I really have to say goodnight now. Thanks for everything.

Sophia

Why? You didn't get everything.

Blanche

Rose tells us you're gettin' married.

Yes, and I hope I'm good at it. I don't have that much experience vith vomen.

Blanche

A big, strong, handsome thing like you? Get out of here!

Vell, it vas nice meeting all of you. [runs out front door]

Rose

[following Sven] It was an expression, Sven!

Blanche

[to Dorothy] You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family.