Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

You know, being here reminds me of my favorite Christmas back in 1951, which I spent at the USO, making a better Christmas for our boys getting ready to leave for Korea. I gave those servicemen something even Mr. Bob Hope himself could not give them.

Dorothy

A rash?

Dorothy

Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick, and it doesn't matter who picks you because it's bound to be a terrific gift. Go ahead, Blanche.

Blanche

[Picking out a name for who she's going to buy a present for] Okay, I buy for... Dorothy.

Dorothy

Yes! Oh yes yes yes yes!

Rose

Boy Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.

Blanche

[giggles nervously]

Sophia

Go ahead Dorothy, you go.

Dorothy

Okay, I I buy for.... Ma.

Sophia

Yes! [she and Dorothy slap each other five and cheer]

Rose

This really was a great idea! This is really fun!

Blanche

Oh shut up, Rose!

Rose

My turn... I buy for.... Rose.

Blanche

Oh! Thank You God!

Dorothy

No, no, Rose, you can't pick yourself.

Rose

Oh thank goodness, I'm so hard to shop for.

Dorothy

Rose, you buy for....

Sophia

Blanche. [Blanche looks pained]

Rose

Thanks Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel! [Blanche buries her head in the palm of her hand, while Dorothy and Sophia look on and grin]

Dorothy

Rose, why are the Christmas cookies in the shape of American flags and Liberty Bells?

Rose

I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters, so I used the Fourth of July cookie cutters instead.

Sophia

[taking a bite of a cookie] I wonder where President Bush stands on eating the flag.

Sophia

[to Mary] So when's the baby due?

Dorothy

Ma! You're talking to a sixteen-year-old girl!

Sophia

A knocked-up sixteen-year-old girl.

Dorothy

Ma, how did you know that?

Sophia

She had the same look of panic on her face that you had when you were pregnant. Sort of like a deer caught in the headlights. I only thought pregnant sixteen-year-old girls had that look until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing?

Sophia

Merrill called, he's coming over, so I'm hiding our valuables.

Dorothy

Oh, Ma, I don't think he's dangerous. You've read those letters to Blanche. They're almost lyrical.

I want Blanche.

Sophia

Break out the finger sandwiches, Mr. Astaire looks hungry.

[To Dorothy] Are you Blanche?

Dorothy

No!

[To Sophia] How about you, cutie?

Sophia

Boy, this guy's done hard time.

Blanche

Dorothy, you didn't tell me you were having company.

Dorothy

This is Merrill.

Blanche

Well, how do you do, Merrill? [realizing who he is immediately jumps from the couch] MERRILL!

Dorothy

He is here to see Blanche, and we told him we don't know when Blanche will be back.

Blanche

Oh, no, you wouldn't want to wait around for her, she's cold... frigid, hardly likes men at all.

Rose

And she's ugly, isn't she?

Blanche

Ugly is kind of a strong word, Rose.

Rose

And wrinkled.

Blanche

She is not wrinkled.

Rose

And fat.

Blanche

Stop that! You stop that right now, she is none of those things, she is gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

All right, works for me, tell Blanche I'll be back.

Blanche

[after Merrill leaves] And stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Sophia

[about Mary's dog Samson] Did I ever tell you what that dog did to my friend Ida Silverman?

Dorothy

No, what?

Sophia

He ate her! Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all!

Dorothy

Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.

Sophia

The woman's in denial! I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth and no one has seen her since!

Sophia

You think that since Mary went out and got herself pregnant, she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. A slut is a girl who gets knocked up in the back of a Studebaker. It was a Studebaker, right, Dorothy?

Dorothy

It was a Nash, Ma.

Sophia

Now that's a slut.

Blanche

[comes into the kitchen dressed in cowgirl costume] Oh, Dorothy, by any chance did you borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?

Dorothy

Blanche, you look ridiculous!

Blanche

Oh, I do not! I'm a cowgirl! Yippie-i-o-K-Y!

Dorothy

Ki-yay.

Blanche

Whatever.

Sophia

All right, all right, I can pick up a cue. Picture it: Sicily, 1912. A beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There's an instant attraction. They laugh, they sing, they slam down a few boilermakers. Shortly afterwards he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his pallete without using his hands... but I digress. He paints her portrait and they make passionate love. She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge scrubbing his fingerprints off her body. She sees the portrait and is insulted. It looks nothing like her, and she storms out of his life forever. That peasant girl was me. And that painter... was Pablo Picasso.

Dorothy

Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.

Rose

Be positive, Dorothy.

Dorothy

OK, I'm POSITIVE you're lying!

Rose

Dorothy, in times like these, you have to hold on to your faith. Just like Hans Gluckenflanken: St. Olaf's greatest explorer.

Dorothy

Rose, please, let me have a little recovery time before you start a St. Olaf story--

Rose

You see, Hans Gluckenflanken, set out for Florida, to find the Fountain of Intelligence. Unfortunately, when he got to Duluth he took a left, instead of a right and wound up back in St. Olaf. That's how he got his nickname, Wrong Way Gluckenflanken.

Dorothy

Rose, how is this a story about faith?

Rose

Well, when he got back it was the dead of winter. Tired and hungry, but still clinging to his belief that he would find the Fountain of Intelligence, he saw the miracle water, trickling out of the ground, and he fell to his knees and tasted it. Unfortunately, it was a broken sewer main. Two days later, he died of cholera.

Dorothy

What is the point, Rose?

Rose

He was positive he had found the Fountain of Intelligence. In fact, his dying words were, "I think I've learned something from this."

Hello, my name is Mary Ellen.

Hi, Mary Ellen. You're special.

Thank you. You're special too. Do you know why? Because there's no one else in the world like you. Do you understand?

Dorothy

[To Sophia] Only an idiot wouldn't understand that.

Rose

[Stands up] Mary Ellen, I'm completely lost. Could you run that by me again?

After the lecture, Rose. Just like last week.

Sophia

Dorothy, do we know anybody named Cecelia?

Dorothy

Your cousin, Ma. She only has weeks to live.

Sophia

Oh. Next time I'll accept the charges.

Blanche

[on her scheme to put a fake ad in the paper for a Mercedes for sale, in order to meet men] I'm renting [a Mercedes] and pretending it's for sale. All day tomorrow, men are going to be showing up here for a test drive! You can tell a lot about a man by the way he drives.

Dorothy

You know, that's true. Sometimes Stan couldn't even get the key in the ignition.

Dorothy

[looking at old family photos] Ah, look, the Jersey shore, summer 1939.

Sophia

Pop sure loved playing with you kids... why do I look so upset?

Dorothy

Oh Ma, don't you remember? Pop was a big fan of Jean Harlow's back then, you hated it when he made sand breasts in front of the children.