Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Hi, Ma. Hello, Martha. Where were you?

Sophia

I'll give you a hint. The guest of honor had lipstick on her teeth and didn't give a damn.

Blanche

Who died?

Martha

My best friend, Lydia.

Dorothy

I'm so sorry.

Martha

She suffered so. It was a blessing in disguise.

Sophia

I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Rose

Sophia, I can't believe you're doing this! This reminds me of the story of Gunilla Olfstatter, St. Olaf's very own Angel of Death.

Dorothy

Tell it, Rose, tell it.

Rose

Really? All the way through?

Dorothy

All the way through, but please try to make the end come as close to the beginning as possible!

Rose

Well, Gunilla Olfstatter was a nurse at Cedars of St. Olaf Hospital. One night she was taking care of Sven Bjornsen, and he asked her if she would get him some more mouth moisteners and then kill him. Gunilla brought the mouth moisteners right away, but the killing thing, it seemed to go against everything she'd been taught!

Dorothy

You're doing beautifully, Rose.

Rose

He begged and he begged and by her coffee break she couldn't stand it anymore, so she pulled the plug and he died. Well, she was wracked with guilt that night. Not only had she parked her car in a doctor's spot, but she was never sure whether Sven's pleading was the pain talking or the medication talking or the guy in the next bed talking. You see, the guy in the next bed was Ingmar Von Bergman, St. Olaf's meanest ventriloquist.

Dorothy

Rose, we are going somewhere with this, aren't we? I mean, if not, I'm gonna cut out your tongue.

Rose

Yes! Sven came back to haunt Gunilla. Since then, every Tuesday night at ten - nine Central -

Rose

...she hears noises. Some say it's the wind, but some say it's Sven's voice whispering back from the other side, saying: "Turn around, quick! His lips are moving!"

Dorothy

[to Sophia] You see that, Ma? You kill someone, you end up being a Rose story.

Blanche

What is wrong with this baby? Honey, darling, please shut up for aunt Blanche!

Dorothy

If herring, elk, or anyone named Sven figures in this, I don't wanna hear it.

Rose

Okay! I've got another one! Whenever my kids couldn't sleep, we always sang to them.

Blanche

A lullaby?

Dorothy

I don't know, Rose.

Blanche

Dorothy, come on it's worth a try! It's either we sing, or he sings.

Dorothy

Alright.

Rose

Boom.

Rose

[With more energy] Boom! Well?

Blanche

Well what?

Rose

After my boom comes your boom, and then yours, until we're all booming.

Dorothy

How complicated is that herring thing?

Rose

Boom.

Blanche

Boom.

Dorothy

Boom.

Dorothy

Boom. boom. boom. boom.

"Make him the cutest that I've ever seen."

Dorothy

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

"Give him two lips, like roses and clover."

Dorothy

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

"And tell him that his lonesome nights are over."

Rose

Boom.

"boom. boom. boom. boom. boom. boom."

Dorothy

"Yes?"

"Bring me a dream, make him the cutest that I've ever seen."

Dorothy

I'm so alone! [Turns to see the other two have stopped, looks at Sophia.]

Sophia

Boy, you guys really stink!

Dorothy

Oh, my God, if they want to make spies talk, they should force them to grade junior high English essays. Kids today can't write the English language! "The characters in The Grapes of Wrath are so real that it's interesting."

Rose

Weren't they?

Dorothy

I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be homecoming queen.

Sophia

You can still be homecoming queen, it'll just be a different kind of home.

Dorothy

Ma, these are your twilight years.

Sophia

Are you kidding? I'm supposed to be dead! These are your twilight years.

Dorothy

[about performing at the comedy club] I couldn't, I'd be up there sweating bullets.

Sophia

And dodging some.

Rose

[Talking about raising children] The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirstin the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come but I kept putting it off. Finally I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.

Blanche

So you told her?

Rose

No - I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.

Dorothy

You are kidding, Rose?

Rose

No! That's how my mother taught me.

Blanche

Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about...what a man would look like?

Rose

It sure did! Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? [Blanche guffaws] Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Dorothy

[Rose is upset about work and Dorothy is upset after a falling out with her son Michael] Now look - Rose, stop whining! You know that you're going to have to speak to your boss about your workload. Wallowing in self pity is not going to help!

Blanche

[walking in] How are you feeling, Dorothy?

Dorothy

[voice breaking] My life is falling apart and now Rose is bothering me!

Rose

Dorothy, I'm sorry I bothered you.

Dorothy

I'm sorry I snapped at you, Rose. It's just that I am upset. I AM VERY UPSET!

Rose

Are you upset because you don't know what to do about Michael?

Dorothy

No. I'm upset because I can't make any sense out of those commercials for "Obsession".

Blanche

[about Michael] You just did what you had to!

Dorothy

Blanche, knowing that does not help! I am going crazy wondering where he is- I mean he could be sleeping under a pier for all I know, or in some flophouse or out on the street!

Sophia

[walking in] Michael called; he's staying with Stan.

Dorothy

OH GOD, IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

Rose

Dorothy, I know you've done the right thing. In the animal kingdom, the whole idea is to teach offspring to fend for themselves. Humans are the only ones who think it's their duty to care for children their entire lives.

Dorothy

You know Rose, sometimes you really say some wise things.

Rose

We're also the only species that use corn holders that look like corn on the cob when we eat corn on the cob.

Dorothy

Whoops, spoke too soon.

Dorothy

[reading the newspaper] Miami will be busy this weekend with ten major conventions. Listen to this. ...the highlight being the Citrus Festival Ball, which is being chaired this year by 35-year-old Blanche Devereaux. How much did that cost you?

Blanche

I don't have to pay for my compliments!

Dorothy

You went to bed with him.

Blanche

Twice. But it's not like I wouldn't have anyway.

Dorothy

Oh, boy, it is hell out there. It must be 103 and the mall was impossible.

Sophia

Did you get something for the grandchildren?

Dorothy

Oh, please. You know Robbie wants a Batman hat. I went to six different stores, they were all sold out. I finally went to one store where they had one hat left, and another woman saw it. Ugh! I cannot believe a person would push a perfect stranger out of the way, step on her hand, and give her an elbow to the forehead, just for a Batman hat...but I did it anyway!

Rose

I sure miss a traditional St. Olaf Christmas.

Dorothy

Excuse me, Rose, do we have time to run out and get hit by a bus?

Rose

First there'd be the Christmas pageant with the shepherds and the angels, and the Two Wise Men.

Blanche

There were three wise men, Rose.

Rose

Not in St. Olaf. Then we'd all go down to the town square and try to form a circle, and then we'd all go home and smoke kippers.

Blanche

Why, Rose?

Rose

Because it's the best way to get your house to smell like kippers. And then, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, it was traditional to let all the animals sleep inside that night. And then the next morning the rumors would start... and they'd continue until New Year's, and we'd all make resolutions that it would never happen again. But then the next year, all it took was a little eggnog and one wise guy saying, "What the hell, it's Christmas!"