Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called "dirty dancing"?

Dorothy

Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.

Rose

What movie?

Dorothy

Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

Blanche

This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?

Dorothy

Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.

Sophia

And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]

Blanche

Dorothy, now do you see why I'm so embarrassed? Can you imagine a dance with movements just like making love and I can't do it?!

Dorothy

Relax Blanche, maybe standing up is what's throwing you.

Don't raise your voice at your mama! You know, your not too old for me to take you across my knee!

Dorothy

You lay a finger on me, your teeth will be back in Sicily before you are!

[laughing] That's my girl! You got lots of spirit, just like you beautiful mama!

[in unison] Thank you.

Blanche

[Comparing Dorothy's situation to the book she plans to write] Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker. Though, of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science fiction! [She walks out of the kitchen laughing]

Dorothy

Remind me, when I feel better, to kick the crap out of her.

[On Dorothy's illness] It could be functional.

Sophia

Functional?

Mental.

Sophia

Mental?!! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. 100% Tip-Top Mental. My daughter may be no spring chicken, and her jaw might crack when she chews! And she may have noticeable trouble digesting raw vegetables! But one thing she is not, is mental!

Dorothy

Thanks, Ma.

Blanche

What a waste, Rose Nylund in New York!

Rose

[to Dorothy] It's going to be a great trip, you wait and see. You're going to be cured, and I'm going to get to see the Big Potato!

Dorothy

I said she was comforting, I didn't say she was smart.

Blanche

If you will excuse me, Becky and I are having breakfast on the lanai. We're still bonding.

Sophia

Dorothy, how come we never bond?

Dorothy

We're from before bonding and quality time. We're from when people stayed together because they had no choice.

Blanche

[in the sperm bank during Becky's doctor's appointment] What in hell are we doin' here? I feel like I'm in the middle of some awful dream, yet I know it can't be a dream because there are no boy dancers.

Mother!

Blanche

I just cannot believe you are actually going to give money to someone like this "sperm pusher!" You are a Devereaux, a Devereaux has never had to pay for it, I certainly haven't.

Dorothy

She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Blanche

My little girl is going to have a baby by artificial insemination.

Blanche

I just can't bear to think about it.

Blanche

I'm just being silly, aren't I?

Blanche

For God's sake, someone say something!

Rose

[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!

Dorothy

[to Rose] Big help.

Blanche

Dorothy, what about you? You're always the sensible one around here, the free, modern thinker who keeps up with the times. Now what do you think?

Dorothy

[shivering, making a disgusted face] Oooooooh!

Blanche

What does one wear to a sperm bank?

Dorothy

Something attractive in rubber.

Blanche

[pauses] ...I have that.

Rose

Dorothy, would you like to try this thing?

Dorothy

What is it?

Rose

Well, that wire vibrates and it's supposed to whisk hair away below the skinline.

Dorothy

I don't know whether I want to use this, it says it's gonna hurt.

Rose

Well, you can try it on your right leg and then use the hot wax on your left one.

Dorothy

Why don't we just set each other on fire?

Rose

Dorothy...

Dorothy

All right, all right. Let's see if they sent a bullet to bite on.

Dorothy

I remember when I started shaving. I was thirteen, and I wanted to shave because I was going to a movie with Alan Steckler, you remember him, Ma?

Sophia

Small head, enormous lips.

Dorothy

Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving, I'd never be able to stop. I mean she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.

Sophia

I was right. By the time you were sixteen, I could grate cheese on your knees!

Blanche

You know, a lot of those European girls don't shave under their arms.

Rose

Is that true?

Blanche

They just let it all hang out.

Rose

Really?

Blanche

Bushy as can be.

Rose

Well, what do they look like in a strapless dress?

Dorothy

Like Milton Berle, Rose.

Blanche

Rose, Miles called again. He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.

Rose

I asked you to tell him I'm not going.

Blanche

I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.

Rose

Well, I don't wanna talk to him. He makes me feel foolish. I don't even feel comfortable telling him St. Olaf stories.

Dorothy

I want to know exactly what he said to make you feel that way.

Rose

Look, I'm not going out with him. You go, Blanche.

Dorothy

What?!

Rose

Well, you like him, I know you do. So you go.

Blanche

Well, I couldn't!

Dorothy

Of course she couldn't!

Blanche

You stay out of this, Dorothy.

Rose

Well, why not? It's all over between us. He'll know that tonight.

Blanche

It's impossible. I'd feel like a... like a...

Dorothy

A backstabbing slut?

Blanche

...No...

Rose

Please go. For me. I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.

Blanche

Well, since you put it that way. But only as a personal favor to you, honey. I guess I'd better go get dressed. [Blanche exits]

Rose

[to Dorothy] Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

Dorothy

Rose, you are not stupid, you just... march to a different drummer?

Sophia

Yeah, the little wind-up monkey banging on the snare drum.

Dorothy

Ma!

Sophia

I was agreeing!