Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Oh, Dorothy, high school reunions can be so much fun. I will never forget mine! I was the most successful person there.

Dorothy

Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?

Blanche

Oh, yes, but she let her looks go to hell.

Dorothy

Oh, a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon.

Sophia

[laughs]

Dorothy

What, Ma?

Sophia

Oh, nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.

Dorothy

Why do you say I'm lying?

Sophia

A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom Night 1946!

Rose

Why, what happened?

Sophia

I don't know, I'm that somebody.

Dorothy

I am so excited! I can't believe I'm going to see Trudy again after all these years!

Rose

Oh, I'm excited for you too, Dorothy. That's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.

Blanche

Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gefluffen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svengebluten?

Rose

No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!

Blanche

(begins to tell a story about "acceptance" to console Dorothy) I remember I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...

Dorothy

Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo-cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.

Blanche

Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.

Dorothy

I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry, go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."

Blanche

Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---

Dorothy

On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta... FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!

Blanche

Anyway, it was at a Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again!

Rose

Why?

Blanche

Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standin' there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new ridin' boots for Christmas! So I did.

Dorothy

Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?

Blanche

Oh - because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy! That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too - along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.

Sophia

[bursting into Dorothy's room] Picture it! Sicily, 1852!

Dorothy

Ma, I am in no mood; and besides, you weren't alive in 1852.

Sophia

What, we can't learn from history? It was mid-century, and a disillusioned Italy looked to the House of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader - and not a bad dresser - thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife, Rosa, hit her sexual peak.

Dorothy

Ma, I am in here because of GUILT! This isn't a story about guilt.

Sophia

This is a story about being a bad hostess! While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, two hundred hungry guests were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese!

Dorothy

Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?

Sophia

That's my minor point. My major point is, that like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom while there are important things to do outside!

Dorothy

[making malted milkshakes for herself, Blanche and Rose] Didn't I tell you I used to work in a malt shop when I was in high school?

Blanche

Soda jerk?

Rose

No thanks, I'll have a malted.

Dorothy

[rolls the dice, moves her game piece and picks a card from the center of the gameboard] How odd, I can either buy the library or the phonebooth in the center of town. I'll buy the library.

Rose

If I were you, I'd buy the phonebooth.

Dorothy

Why?

Rose

People use the phonebooth.

Dorothy

That's because you're hooked on these Rose. But honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.

Sophia

Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?

Dorothy

[when Rose says she'd be too embarrassed at a rehabilitation center] Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?

Sophia

She should've been. Did you see Arthur 2? [makes a face]

Blanche

Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it's like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.

Dorothy

Blanche, you don't mean...

Blanche

Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.

Dorothy

Obviously you fell off the wagon.

Sophia

And onto a naval base!

Blanche

[on why her attempt to give up sex failed] Barely a month had gone by before I started feeling those awful stirrings and urges. I was like a spring bloomin' peach bud just ripened to dewy fruition, waitin' to be plucked by the first handsome man to come my way!

Dorothy

You were looking for some nookie.

Blanche

Exactly.

Rose

[about her sister Holly] We haven't gotten along since we were kids.

Blanche

Why is she coming here then?

Rose

Well, she's here on business. She's a world renown flautist.

Dorothy

Oh, she plays the flute?

Rose

No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute!

Dorothy

Ma, you cannot get upset over [losing] one pound.

Sophia

Maybe you can't, I can. For fifty years my weight hasn't changed by an ounce, and as far as I'm concerned, until I'm back to 99, I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.

Blanche

Mornin', Dorothy. Mornin', Sophia.

Sophia

Who?

[leads the girls' workout] Whirlybirds!

[imitate Yvonne] Whirlybirds!

Jackhammer!

Jackhammer!

Windshield wipers!

Windshield wipers!

[suddenly stops and grabs her leg in pain while still hopping] Oh! Charley horse!

Rose

[grabs her leg and hops] Charley horse!

Dorothy

She has a cramp, you peabrain!

Dorothy

I can't balance my checkbook. Ah, what the hell, I'm only off by a few pennies.

Sophia

A few pennies? To you it may not be much, but back in Sicily, a few pennies could make the difference between owning a gun and having to insert bullets into your victim manually.