Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

[on Ernie] Impotent? Are you sure?

Dorothy

Oh Blanche, what would you have done, asked him to prove it?

Dorothy

[explaining to Rose that her relationship with Eddie is purely physical] Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.

Rose

What's under the sheets?

Dorothy

His cappuccino maker. SEX, Rose! I am talking SEX! We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed, and it is TERRIFIC.

Rose

Wow, all that and cappuccino too?!

Eddie

I'd better get going. I've caused enough trouble.

Dorothy

Look, Eddie, can't we see each other occasionally just as friends?

Eddie

It won't work. It's like trying to eat one potato chip. Au revoir. Oh, hello, Sophia.

Sophia

Hello, Eddie. Eddie, I never noticed that beauty mark on your neck.

Eddie

What beauty mark?

Sophia

That one! [Sophia jumps into Eddie's arms and starts kissing his neck]

Blanche

Sophia! Sophia!

Blanche

[on the phone with Steve] I'm almost ready to... What do you mean? I spent all day getting ready! ... Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU DROP DEAD!!! [slams down phone; to girls] Well, I'm off, don't wait up...

Dorothy

Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?

Blanche

[voice quavering] Yes!

Rose

How did you know that, Dorothy?

Dorothy

I'm clairvoyant, Rose.

Rose

You're so lucky. I get into a pool and I sink like a stone.

Dorothy

[in a flashback scene, chewing out Rose for booking them into a "clothing optional" resort for their Valentine's weekend getaway] Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend, stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours!

Rose

I'm sorry, Dorothy, it's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.

Dorothy

[reading from brochure] "Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat! Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny!" Call David Horowitz; I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation!

Blanche

In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.

Rose

What kind of protection?

Dorothy

Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]

Rose

A Nestle's Crunch?

Dorothy

One over.

Rose

An enema bag?

Dorothy

To the right.

Rose

Dentu-Grip?!

Dorothy

CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!

Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?

Blanche

There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.

Dorothy

[grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.

Rose

[looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.

Blanche

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

[speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS.

THE LAMBSKINS OR THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE?

TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE...IN BLACK.

Dorothy

Ma, we're going away for the weekend, just the two of us. So pack your bags, we are off to a cabin in the Keys!

Sophia

Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village? [to Rose and Blanche] She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel, and two goons in white coats drag me inside and for the next year and a half I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.

Dorothy

Ma, you know that's not how it was!

Sophia

You're right, sometimes they forced me to make moccasins. No thanks, not again!

Dorothy

Look Ma, all I want is for us to go away together, just the two of us. Ma, we'll go anywhere you want to go.

Sophia

Great, I wanna go to Disney World.

Dorothy

Then that's where we're going.

Sophia

Oh? All of a sudden you're gonna take me, after I've been asking for years?

Dorothy

That's right!

Sophia

[to Rose and Blanche] Leave your shoe sizes, let me know whether you want your moccasins in brown or black!

Dorothy

So that's it, you're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.

Blanche

That's blackmail!

Sophia

That's show business.

Dorothy

You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes. I'm sorry, you can't be in the show.

Sophia

You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?

Dorothy

Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?

Sophia

Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet. This is who I am, Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!

Rose

What you need is faith.

Dorothy

And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.

Rose

I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.

Blanche

Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.

Dorothy

Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche

Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me truth - now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?

Rose

Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.

Blanche

I am talking about my job at the museum!!

Dorothy

Of course, you're competent, Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.

Blanche

Well, then, why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?

Dorothy

I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Blanche

You know, some days, I just want to throw in the towel and take an early retirement. I wonder if you can collect Social Security at 49, 50.

Dorothy

4950--what is that, Blanche, the address of the Social Security building?

Dorothy

I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.

Rose

Did Stanley have a head for numbers?

Dorothy

Stanley??? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.