Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Rose

Oh Dorothy, you're just cranky because you haven't had a cigarette in a while.

Dorothy

Maybe a little, but I'll tell you the truth - I really think I'm over the worst part of it.

Rose

That's great, I'm really proud of you. You think you'd miss that feeling you get with that first puff, that feeling of relaxation when you hold it in and then sheer exhilaration when you exhale smoke...

Dorothy

No, not really, I've, I've found other ways to ease my tensions. Honey, would you hand me that large saucepan over there?

Rose

[grabs saucepan] Sure.

Dorothy

No, the one behind it, the really big one.

Blanche

You know, you really have to give Max and Sophia credit. This business was their dream, and they're going after it. I just wish I'd done that with my dream.

Dorothy

Fine. Honey, would you check on the pizzas? One may be ready.

Blanche

Well, why don't you want to hear about my dream?

Dorothy

Because it is always the same thing with you, Blanche - sex, sex, sex! I am tired of hearing it!

Rose

Maybe that's because you're not getting any, Dorothy.

Dorothy

You want the pot again, Rose?

Dorothy

[trying to convince the bodyguard at the thrift shop to hand over the aviator jacket with the winning lottery ticket inside] Look, if you don't mind, I would like to see this Michael.

You and the rest of Miami! Sorry, the entire engagement is SOLD OUT! Michael! [tosses jacket over the heads of the other bodyguards and into the clutches of a person wearing a black sequined glove; the bodyguards leave]

Blanche

OH! Do you know who that is?!

Sophia

Sure! It's the guy from the Pepsi commercials!

Rose

Pepsi commercial? ... Michael? ... Oh my God, that's Michael J. Fox!!!

Stan

I really have to run now. I'm fixing a terrific late-night supper for Katherine.

Dorothy

Oh, really? In thirty-eight years of marriage, you never once cooked a terrific meal for us.

Stan

Neither did you.

Blanche

Any word on Sophia?

Dorothy

None. Oh, I hate waiting.

Blanche

I hate hospitals.

Rose

I hate when the people put each other down on Love Connection.

Dorothy

Stan came by and stayed with me. Brought me food, held me. Showed me that special part of himself.

Rose

Right there in the waiting room?

Stan

Will you girls excuse me, my girdle is killing me.

Rose

He's wearing a girdle?

Dorothy

And padded shoulder.

Blanche

And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.

Dorothy

Bartender, give me another.

Come on, lady. You don't need another.

Dorothy

Why not?

You've had three already!

Dorothy

I said give me another!

Fine. It's your life. Just don't blame me if you get sick. [places a basket of popcorn on the table]

Katherine

[about Dorothy] See, he's got this ex-wife.

Dorothy

You better be careful what you say. I happen to be an ex-wife.

Katherine

Not like his, I'm sure. No one's like her! She's superwoman. She was the perfect wife! Cooked, cleaned, had two kids, got an education, has never looked better, and now she has a career!

Dorothy

That wasn't a marriage. That's a commercial for a mini pad.

Katherine

Her name is Dorothy, and she's coming to our wedding. I mean, they're still friends! Listen to me. I'm so intimidated by a woman I've never even met.

Dorothy

Well, that's understandable. I mean, she sounds pretty terrific. I bet she's gorgeous too.

Katherine

No, the daughter had a nose job and she had her mother's nose. Evidently, it was a honker!

Katherine

[on Stan] He's smart, he's funny... and the best lover I've ever had.

Dorothy

You haven't slept around much, have you?

You're idiots. The only humor here is my own. It's your great stupidity. This picture no more echos Monet than any of you echo a beauty queen, and you will waste no more of my time. [turns and leaves]

Rose

Oh yeah?!

Dorothy

Go easy on him Rose.

[about the damaged roof] Yeah, I could patch it up for you, but that won't stop more leaks when it rains again.

Rose

What are you trying to say, Sid?

Really? You couldn't follow that?

Dorothy

She has trouble following Murder, She Wrote.

Dorothy

[Blanche is trying to convince her not to use a favorite towel of hers to mop up the mess from the leaking roof] Blanche, please! I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold wet sand!

Blanche

I brought my son, Skippy, home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.

Dorothy

You're lying, Blanche.

Blanche

Damn you're good!

Dorothy

[about football] Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them.

Sophia

Which is why Raymond Burr never married!

Rose

[to Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia] Were you three listening to our conversation?!

Dorothy

Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.

Sophia

They made me do it. When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!