Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
Dorothy[enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Dorothy
Yes.
Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
What happened to it, Sophia?
Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!
Dorothy
Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?
Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy all nod]
Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.
Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
Dorothy
You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Dorothy
Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?
Dorothy
I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
This dress looks sensational on me; people expect to see me in a sensational dress!
Dorothy
And what do they expect to see me in, a yarmulke and a Hefty Bag?
Dorothy, it deserves to be displayed on a devastatingly beautiful body!
Dorothy
Who you gonna to send it to, Kim Basinger?
And what is that supposed to mean?
Dorothy
Why don't you think about it while you're inhaling your next cheesecake?
[Dorothy walks out]
How dare she imply that I overeat! Makes me so mad... [she goes to the cupboard and opens it] Oh darn, we're out of Chips Ahoy.
Well, I was, but as it turned out nothing fit me.
Dorothy
What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.
That is not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.
Of course it does! That's why you have to cover it with a dress
Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?
[opens her coat with her back to camera] You tell me, Rose! [walks off]
Dorothy
Ma!
Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?
We really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
LLaszlo
I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
Oh, we sure were, especially Dorothy. She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Dorothy
[laughing] Oh no, I didn't.
Yes you did! You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime!
Dorothy
[laughing, taking Rose's hand] Rose is such a kidder! [She squeezes Rose's hand so hard that Rose falls to the ground in pain]
I saw some of the sketches that Laszlo has done of me and they're horrible. The hair is all big and frizzy and the body is all droopy and saggy. The woman in those pictures is a dog!
Blanche, the woman in those photos is me.
I know she sounds like you dear, but she's not.
Oh, yes she is. [pulls out key], I wanted to tell you a long time ago.
Oh God, strike me here and now if Laszlo prefers Rose Nylund over me.
He said he wanted someone with more innocence.
With more cellulite is more like it.
Dorothy
Girls, girls what's going on here.
Nothing, Rose here just stabbed me in the back.
I did not, Laszlo asked me to pose for him.
I don't know why, he'd go to Sea World if he wants to see a naked whale.
Oh, all right Missy, this is war, both of us will continuing seeing Laszlo.
Fine, he is going to pick me.
No he's not, he's going to pick me.
Dorothy
Girls, girls I can solve this.
All right Dorothy, tell her who he is going to pick.
Dorothy
It's going to be me. [pulls out key]
Dorothy
He asked me last Thursday.
Rose Yeah, the woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been Dorothy!
I saw some of the sketches he's been doing of me, Rose. He never lets me see 'em, so today I looked through his things and I found some. They're horrible. The hair's all big and frizzy, the body's all droopy and saggy. The woman in those sketches is a dog!
She's just a hideous, wrinkled old bag!
Blanche, the woman in those sketches is me.
I know she sounds like you, honey, but she's not.
Yes she is. Look. [pulls out key] I wanted to tell you about this all week but I couldn't. I've been posing for Laszlo too.
Oh dear Lord, strike me dead right here and now if that man prefers Rose Nylund over me.
Blanche, you can't take it personally. Laszlo just decided he wanted someone with more innocence.
With more cellulite is more like it.
Dorothy
Girls, girls, girls! What's going on here?
Nothing, Rose here just stabbed me in the back.
She's been posing for Laszlo too.
I sure don't know why, he'd go to Sea World if he wanted to see a naked whale.
Oh ho, that does it, missy. This means war. We'll both keep goin', we'll just see who he picks for his sculpture.
Fine, it's going to be me.
No it's not, it's going to be me.
Dorothy
Girls, girls, I can settle this.
All right Dorothy, tell her who it's going to be.
Dorothy
It's going to be me. [pulls out key and grins smugly]
Dorothy
He asked me last Thursday.
Rose Well sure, the woman you saw in those horrible drawings must have been Dorothy!
[on Rebecca marrying Jeremy] It's her daughter, it's her choice. It's like something that happened back in St. Olaf...
Dorothy
[furious] Oh, Rose, STOP! Rose, why is it when any one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf"?! Did it ever occur to you that we might be sick and tired of hearing, "Back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf"?!!!
[surprised] Gee, no, I never realized. I'm sorry.
Dorothy
Oh, that's okay.
Back in that town whose name you're tired of...
Dorothy
ROSE!!!!
Oh, I hate these moments.
Me too. I never did learn how to say goodbye.
Oh, there are so many ways to say farewell. Auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, adiós, hasta luego...
Dorothy
Get lost.
See, there's another one. Good, Dorothy!
Dorothy
Oh Blanche honey, I hope you don't mind, I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
No, that's alright, but I think I should point out it was designed for a dainty neck.
Dorothy
Yes Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.
Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
BBarbara
Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay", I've grown so much as a writer since then.
Dorothy
Blanche!
BBarbara
It's alright. Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves, little waves, dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
BBarbara
Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Blanche, what's a metaphor?
It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty." They are not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!
Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow, I've never met a real author before.
I have. I once stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
Dorothy
You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time, it's usually Faulker, Fitzgerald, and, uh...
DBDorothy, Blanche
Schwarzenegger.
Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh.
Dorothy
He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
