Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Rose, honey, would you pass me the tuffie.

Rose

With pleasure, Blanche.

Blanche

Thank you, Rose.

Rose

You're more than welcome, Blanche. You can always count on me to hand you the tuffie.

Blanche

I know, that's why I always ask you.

Dorothy

You know, I think I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of Three's Company.

Blanche

Oh, at last a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can understand.

Rose

I guess her well of knowledge has run dry. That's a metaphor Dorothy.

Dorothy

Look, why don't you just admit that this is all because you don't like Barbara Thorndyke.

Blanche

Alright, I don't like Barbara Thorndyke. I think she's a phony.

Dorothy

Oh, this from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed To Kill.

Blanche

That's just a little white lie.

Dorothy

Oh yeah? Then why is it on your job resume?!

Blanche

Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.

No, I'm just a writer. Malamud's an author.

Rose

I thought Malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in them.

Dorothy

Those are Malomars, Rose.

Sophia

Dorothy, I'm in the ladies room, I look in my brassiere. What do you think I find?

Dorothy

Hopefully, what we all find when we look in our brassiere.

Sophia

Please, I haven't been able to find those since I nursed your brother Phil.

Blanche

Nancy, honey. Now I don't generally like to throw my name around but you really leave me no choice. It so happens that I am Miss Angie Dickinson! And now, if you don't mind, I would like two rooms.

You don't look like Angie Dickinson to me.

Blanche

I know, I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role.

Dorothy

Yeah, it's about a woman who eats her way from behind the Iron Curtain.

For another 100 points, Who is the current Secretary of State?

Willard?

Charles Schulz.

Dorothy

He created Peanuts!

I thought that was George Washington Carver.

Dorothy

[scoldingly] Willard, don't ever touch your buzzer again.

Blanche

Dorothy and I are gonna team up with the Kaplan brothers.

Rose

The Kaplan brothers! You mean you and Dorothy are joining a country western band?

Dorothy

That's the Gatlin brothers, Rose!

Sophia

Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture!

Rose

What was it called, Sophia?

Sophia

I just told you: Torture! Mussolini asked the questions, and you better have the right answers. Things like, "Who do you like better, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler?" And you always had to answer, "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!

Dorothy

Come on, Ma, you're making this up.

Sophia

Like hell I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales!

Dorothy

Hi girls, tell me, how did the audition for the play go?

Blanche

Awful! We just got two tiny parts.

Rose

We're doing The Sound of Music and Blanche is mad 'cause she didn't get the lead.

Dorothy

Oh, I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role! You've gotten it the past five years in a row!

Blanche

Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.

Rose

Blanche used to sleep with the old one. The new director's gay!

Blanche

A gay theater director, did you ever hear of such a thing?

Dorothy

That's absolutely shocking. The next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.

Dorothy

[coming in from the pouring rain] Whew, it is really coming down!

Rose

What's coming down?

Dorothy

[pauses, then responds crossly] The Liberace marquee at Caesar's Palace.

Dorothy

[upon learning that the airport is closed because of the hurricane] That means we could be trapped together for days!

Blanche

[still in nun's costume] Oh, JESUS!

Blanche

...Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need!

Dorothy

Amen!

Blanche

Hurricanes can be kind of fun. I remember one when I was married!

Angelo

Married?

Blanche

Uh... Mary. When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent, remember that, Sister Rose?

Rose

Oh, yes, Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

Stan

She'd have to be, to make anyone believe she was a virgin!

Dorothy

Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit!

Stan

Ya know, for two cents...

Dorothy

...you could get a better toupee?

Stan

Okay, that's it, I've had enough, I'm not going on with this anymore!

Sophia

[pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!

Sophia

Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.

Angelo

Sophia, you're lookin' terrific! You haven't changed a bit in 40 years!

Sophia

Angelo, you're a priest, you shouldn't lie!

Angelo

Ah, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Before the trip I said an extra fifty Hail Mary's in case I felt like cutting loose. ... Dorothy!

Dorothy

Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you!

Angelo

Dorothy, you know something, you look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.

Stan

He just used up all fifty Hail Mary's on that one.

Angelo

Stan, you still a funny guy, got a sense of humor still, eh? [To Dorothy] He still make you laugh like he used to?

Dorothy

Well, not really, but then again I haven't seen him naked lately.

Rose

You're dumping your own mother?

Dorothy

Faster than CBS dumped Jimmy the Greek.

Dorothy

Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?

Rose

The chain.

Blanche

An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?

Rose

Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom.

Blanche

Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge "spare tire," jutting out over those square manly hips.

Blanche

Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?

Dorothy

[angrily] Neither, I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!!

Rose

See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I'm going to run for Fashion Show Chairman.

Blanche

Well, you're just wasting your time. Who on that fashion committee is going to vote for you? I'm gonna win.

Rose

Well, I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you going to sleep with?

Blanche

Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? ... All women?