Dorothy Zbornak quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

Floozy.

Blanche

Tramp.

Dorothy

I, I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? "Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" "Join the Army, be all you can be and sleep with Blanche Devereaux!" [raising voice] The Marines are looking for a few good men who have NOT slept with Blanche Devereaux!

Dorothy

Where did you come from?

Blanche

Oh, I was hiding behind the drapes.

Dorothy

What is this, Hamlet?

Dorothy

Ted, what a surprise!

It's great to see you again.

Stan

What about me, babe?

Dorothy

Go hug a landmine.

Blanche

[explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.

Dorothy

Did you explain any of this to Sven?

Blanche

I assumed he knew!

Dorothy

Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!

Blanche

Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!

Rose

Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.

Blanche

Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!

Dorothy

Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!

Rose

I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.

Blanche

Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!

Dorothy

[opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!

Blanche

Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...

Dorothy

Blanche, we know what it is.

Rose

I thought it was in the shape of Florida!

Blanche

That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.

Dorothy

If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!

Dorothy

$5000...we don't have that kind of money!

Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.

Dorothy

Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!

I expect you each to cough up $2500 in 30 days.

Dorothy

What if we can't!

We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your property, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.

Stan

Oh my God. We're going to jail! [breaks down in tears]

Dorothy

That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china. [slaps him on the back and storms out]

Blanche

Still worried about the money you owe the government?

Dorothy

Oh no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.

Rose

Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.

Rose

You know that promotion I'm up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.

Blanche

Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!

Dorothy

Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.

Blanche

[laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?

Dorothy

The REAL problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.

Blanche

Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!

Sophia

She's talking about when you're in an upright position!

[in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?

Dorothy

Have we met?

Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."

Dorothy

Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.

That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.

Dorothy

So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---

Toto.

Dorothy

---Mr. Toto?

Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.

Rose

Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]

Dorothy

Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!

Rose

So what?

Dorothy

So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."

Is that signed "Doug"?

Dorothy

Yes.

I know him; he's a sick man.

Dorothy

[showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.

Dorothy

Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!

Sophia

[walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!

Dorothy

[mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.

[to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!

Rose

Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.

[to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.

Dorothy

How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!

Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!

Blanche

Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!

Dorothy

Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!

Blanche

Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.

Dorothy

Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!

Sophia

Shut up and drink.

Dorothy

This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!

Sophia

I only put whiskey in the first one.

Dorothy

Oh.

Sophia

The second and third were vodka.

Dorothy

No wonder my head is spinning!

Sophia

This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.

Rose

[on Blanche] I think she's a gerchominochen!

Well, what exactly does that mean?

Rose

Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.

Rose

But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.

Dorothy

Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...

Rose

Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!

Blanche

[complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!

Dorothy

[to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.

Sophia

Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!

Rose

The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.

Dorothy

Scared? Of what?

Blanche

Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.

Dorothy

Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.

Sophia

They're not very nice, they eat dogs.

Dorothy

Ma, they do not eat dogs!

Sophia

Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.

Dorothy

Ma, you made that up.

Rose

Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.

Dorothy

Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!

Blanche

Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!

Sophia

It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.

Dorothy

I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!

Rose

You mean you're kicking us out?

Dorothy

Rose, I have to study!

Sophia

That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.

Blanche

I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!

Dorothy

And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!

Sophia

That's it, everybody out!

Blanche

Sophia, we're scared!

Sophia

I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!