[voiceover] It was April 5th, 1980-something. My sister's senior year was cruising right along, until this happened.
Question... What is this garbage?
Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State!
Thing is, I didn't schedule it, and I'm not going. Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about.
Well, you always need a backup. That's why I always bake two pies, in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking.
Mom, if I don't get into CMU, then I'm just gonna skip college to busk on the street like a true artist.
So, what am I supposed to tell people? "Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo who's going pishy on another hobo." Penn State is amazing! That place made your father everything he is today.
Bevy. I lost another hot dog.
What? Why does this keep happening?
I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand.
I think my point here is proven.
Murray, your daughter thinks she's too good to go to her Penn State interview.
Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.
You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less!
That's the same thing said three different ways!
Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.
Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize how important this was to you. I promise to take my Penn State interview seriously.
[voiceover] By "seriously", my sister meant "intentionally tank" her Penn State interview.
[voiceover] As my dad decided his new hobby was saving money, Barry was coming up with a plan to save our butts.
There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems.
Easy. We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime.
R"Naked" Rob
But then Cecil has no cart.
Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from the different country club to replace Cecil's.
But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart?
Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives.
Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?
Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.
Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what it is.
Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place!
[to Adam] You really need to go to your sister about this.
On my way. [rushing off to see Erica]
Okay, everyone, welcome to "The Day After" emergency assembly. First of all, I just want to assure you that everything is gonna be okay.
CMCoach Mellor
It will not be okay! There's nowhere to hid in a nuclear winter!
Whoa. [chuckles] What Coach means is that there could be a nuclear winter, but it definitely won't happen. Till it does. Does not, because it was just a movie.
CMCoach Mellor
That will, for sure, come true.
Look, I know a lot of you are scared that the President is gonna snap, push a button, and incinerate us all, but I assure you, it will not happen.
CMCoach Mellor
When it does, I'll be safe and snug in my fallout shelter while the rest of you mutants scrounge for cockroaches.
[Mr Glascott looks confused]
CMCoach Mellor
What, you got no argument for that one?
No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets.
CMCoach Mellor
You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre.
Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies.
CMCoach Mellor
Let it out!
My name is Jonathan! And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there?
[The students look at each other]
You're probably mashing potatoes. Oh, boy. Okay, this day is a wash.
CMCoach Mellor
Everybody go home and hug your loved ones.
[They cheer and applause]
I know I should be happy to have the day off, but I'm, like, genuinely terrified.
Me too. I feel so helpless. I never even got to party in Daytona.
[Adam returns back home and sees Barry]
Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news. I wrote another verse to help you get back with Jackie.
Dude, everything's fine with us now. Please don't sing for me.
Just let it happen, or he'll never leave you alone.
[singing] Dear Jackie, I love you like no other But you know who's really awesome? Barry, my brother Black belt in karate, girls think he's a hottie It's like how much can you fit in one body? He's a god on Earth, an academic wiz To be Barry is divine, my words, not his I wish I could do what Big Tasty can But I'm only Adam, forever your man
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Girls, I must confess
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Barry really is the best
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
To know him, we are blessed
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
He's a man, he's a man, he's a man
Barry is the man
I wrote that song for you, girl. Copyright Big Tasty Records. [drops the microphone and the microphone feedback]
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party. Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed... All to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
VEValley Erica
And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
We totally went all-out. I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness. [She shows Erica and Lainey her purple bag] Check it out, girlfriend.
[Taking the purple bag from Lainey] Oh, n-n-n-never!
Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
VEValley Erica
What's happening?
As bridesmaids, you are totally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
Then you leave me no choice. Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
You should. You're never gonna do better anyway.
Agreed. Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man. [He goes downstairs to see Adam] Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean that stupid world to me.
Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
I just... I have a brother who loves me so much.
It's true. We gotta do man stuff fast. We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table. I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Do it. Right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
Barry asked me to be his best man!
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
[They tearfully give each other a hug]
[voiceover] It was December 5th, 1980-something, and my mom was dropping us off at school in my dad's crappy old car. At least, she was trying to.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldbergs, you're up. Unlock and unload.
Mwah, mwah. Go. Be the amazing, delicious boys I birthed you to be.
[trying to unlock the door] Damn it! You know this door doesn't open from the inside. You gotta get out and open it.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldberg, Goldfarb, let's hurry it up.
Damn it, just get out on Adam's side.
[trying to open the door] The door's bungee-d shut 'cause Dad slammed it too hard after the Eagles lost.
[getting out of Murray's car] Oh, poop!
CMCoach Mellor
No, you don't get out. They get out.
If I don't get out, they can't get out. I'm sorry. I had to take Murray's car today.
CMCoach Mellor
I don't need your backstory, Norman Mailer. Just get 'em out.
[She accidentally breaks the car door handle] Damn it, Murray!
CMCoach Mellor
All right, we got a two-minute limit. You're gonna have to circle back around. Next!
I am not getting back in that line. Look at how long it is.
CMCoach Mellor
It's that long because of you!
Boys, just climb out the window. Go, go, go! [Adam and Barry climb out the window] Oh, Schmoopie, no! Don't go headfirst!
I gotta see when I'm landing on. I don't want to get a gravel rash.
CMCoach Mellor
All right, this circus act is unacceptable.
CMCoach Mellor
Forget 'em. You got four other senses.
Wait. My Toaster Strudel.
It's fine. I'll just "Dukes of Hazzard" it.
Oh, Barry, no. Do not "Dukes of Hazzard" the window.
Too late! [runs towards the car but he is hit]
Ah, again with this? My car works just fine. Tell her, Bill.
This kind of feels like one of those lose-lose situations I'd rather not be involved in.
Too late. You're going with us. You're gonna be a bad influence and goad him into spending more money.
How about this? We compromise. I replace the door handle, and boom! Everybody wins!
Forget the door handle. You've been driving the same car since our first date.
So it's got sentimental value. You get it.
You're getting a new car. [leaves him]
[Meanwhile, Adam is playing a video game just as Barry comes to turn it off]
Time to talk bachelor party, best man. Last night, I taped a movie off Cinemax starring Tom Hanks, that forever changed my life... [He shows Adam a videotape saying "Bachelor Party."] "Bachelor Party."
My dad said that movie was a raunchy shlockfest that celebrates the lowest form of comedy.
Your dad knows his stuff. It is brilliant, and I want it to be the blueprint for my zany bachelor party.
What exactly do you mean by "zany"?
I'm talking about a giant rager in a hotel suite with sketchy babes, unruly Japanese businessmen, and a beer-guzzling mule that passes out.
Exactly! Everyone's saying I'm just a dumb kid who's stupidly getting married. But this party will prove I'm a dumb adult who's stupidly getting married.
That logic kind of tracks.
Thank you, Dave Kimberly.
You think "Kim" is short for "Kimberly"?
I'm certain of it. Get to party planning, boys. No pressure, but my whole marriage depends on it.
Don't worry. I will not rest till I throw you the bachelor party in "Bachelor Party."
[This scene cuts to Adam and Dave watching Bachelor Party on TV]
You can't throw him this bachelor party in this movie, man. You can't do it.
There's so much bad language and full-frontal shenanigans.
Why would boyishly lovable Tom Hanks agree to be in this? He's done. He'll never work again.
Barry said this marriage hinges on this! What are you gonna do, bro?
I don't know, Dave Kim. I don't know.
Off-campus lunch is a go, boys. We've got 36 minutes to make it to Jim's Steaks and back. Let's ride.
Wait. I thought your dad sold his crappy old Tercel.
He bought it back 'cause his new sports car was even crappier than this crap box.
Uh, bro, the door won't open.
That's 'cause it's been permanently busted. You just got to Dukes of Hazzard it. [runs toward his car but he is hit]
Need more of a head start. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
Took my eye off it. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
Who moved the car? [runs to it again and then jumps over it] J... T... P!
General Lee! [jumps over the car again]
[voiceover] It was April 3rd, 1980-something, and my sister's stalled music career was about to get a boost.
Guys, I have insane news! We just got the gig of a lifetime. We're playing the Philadelphia freakin' Spectrum!
The Flyers Wives have this charity where they throw a whole carnival. And we got picked to be the local band to perform live on stage.
How did this even happen?
Word of mouth, obviously.
For sure. Also, I submitted a demo.
Oh, my God, Geoff. You are seriously the most amazing boyfriend/band member ever.
You got us our big break, Geoff. You've totally earned it.
Sweet! If there's one thing I know, managing my hot-tempered girlfriend's band could only end well.
Problem. This letter's for you and Lainey.
Yeah, I submitted their demo six months ago.
So now they're only getting two-thirds of the band they want? You suck, and you're fired!
Oh, no! This didn't end well at all!
We are so boned! There's no way they'll ever want us to perform now.
VEValley Erica
Like, why not? We still totally rock it hard without Lainey.
It's true. The Dropouts still got the goods. I demand you go for it!
Damn it. Our old but re-hired band manager is right. Our rocket ride to superstardom begins now.
You know, I've been dabbling a bit in documentary filmmaking. Maybe I can make a rockumentary about you guys, like U2's Rattle and Hum.
No way, nerd. Oh, wait. Sorry. Force of habit. Yes.
Our fans will for sure want to know how it all started.
Sweet! You get to perform for carnies and the Flyers' romantic partners, and I get to film it.
I heard "Flyers" and "carnies." I must be a part of whatever this is.
They got a real gig playing The Spectrum.
No, it's none of his business. Just butt out, dude.
Come on! We both know you need my fresh rhymes.
Your garbage rap has no place in a rock band.
So what about when Aerosmith combined their rock with the sick rap stylings of Run-DMC?
Doesn't matter! You're not even in the band.
No, you're not! Stop saying it!
She said it! Adam's got it on tape!
[Adam puts his thumb up]
It's official! I'm in the band.
