[voiceover] As Matt Bradley was learning the rules of the JTP, my mom was setting up her own rules.
The rules are simple, You curse, you reimburse. One dollar for every swear sworn in this household.
Well, I, for one, think this is a fantastic way to make us the very best people that we can be. And go to the Bahamas and pierce my belly button. Forget I said that.
No one's going to the damn Bahamas.
Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad.
She's right, Murray. We have to live by example.
I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas.
You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally.
I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call my moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want.
You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop.
Yes! Ooh! What a great idea.
Oh, balls! It's really not!
For balls? But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards.
That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels!
What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name. I'm already in debt.
Relax. I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not.
Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom.
I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days.
How do we get her to swear more?
Follow my lead. [She goes upstairs to Beverly to see what she has been thinking about] Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and... You're more than a mom. You're also, like... A friend.
That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep]' friends!
Oh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word.
That'll be a fiver. Did I say [BLEEP]? I said it again! Oh! How many [BLEEP] was that? [sighs] Oh, [BLEEP] it. I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar!
Mama! I'm cold, and nothing can keep me warm like your hug! Will you hug me till I'm all roasty and toasty inside?
[BLEEP] [She hugs him and laughs] You are so adorable! [gasps] I'll get my purse. [chuckles]
[voiceover] As we bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas, my brother was banking on Matt Bradley failing the impossible JTP entrance exam.
Let the trials of the JTP begin.
First up, Smashball. Let's see you hit my unhittable knuckle melon. [He throws the melon just before Matt destroys it with the stick]
[voiceover] But he destroyed that melon, and every other challenge.
[The scene cuts to them outside at the market]
Slushie chug. No mere mortal can ingest an extra-large...
Done! Aah! My head! But worth it!
R"Naked" Rob
He's immortal.
Riddles and trivia. A body is found in a locked room...
Is the weapon as ice knife?
Damn it!! Next category, busting balls. Came up with three insults for how short Andy is.
Oh. No, we don't have to do...
Andy's so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.
I feel completely humiliated. This guy's awesome!
Blindfolded Rubik's Cube, which no human can do, which means you'll never be one of us. Go!
Bro, this isn't in the charter.
The charter is a living document, and, lucky for me, it makes it so he'll never be able to...
[He has finished solving the Rubik's Cube] Done!
That means "yes." Cool! So, what are we doing this weekend?
Well, I don't know what you'll be doing, but the O.G. JTP will be seeing the Fat Boys. I'd invite you, but it's sold out.
Why don't we go see the Dead? They're playing at the fairgrounds.
Easy, new guy. The JTP likes their music in rap form or not at all.
Actually, I wouldn't mind switching it up a bit.
Shut up, you tiny, little... Pocket... Man... Face... Damn it, that's hard.
R"Naked" Rob
That's a big thumb-up on the Dead, Matty.
Wait. Barry, don't you own a van? We could turn it into a Dead bus.
No! That's our A-Team van we're taking to the Fat Boys! And, like all other JTP decisions, we're putting this concert to a vote. Who wants to see the Fat Boys tomorrow? That's three votes for Fat Bays.
Why do you count as three?
'Cause don't question it. Now, how many of you want to go see that weird, lame thing I don't want to do? One, two, three... Four?
Grateful Dead, it is. You're gonna love it, JTP.
AAll
[chanting] JTP! JTP! JTP! [chanting continues]
They have four votes. I'll never get to bulldoze my closest friends again! This is a nightmare!
[voiceover] It had been a week, and my mom's little swearing problem had gone from bad to worse.
What, did Erica get another solo?
No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts Mama" on his Trapper Keeper. I had no choice. He hearts me.
Damn it! I am slowly paying for a trip to the Bahamas that I don't want to take.
I hate to be that person, but you said "Damn it." That's a buck.
Don't you see what the kids are doing to you? They're using your dirty mouth against you.
[voiceover] It was at that moment that my mom finally realized she was being played.
Oh, my God! They're fleecing me! It's time to teach them a real lesson.
[Murray wiggles his eyebrows]
I've been thinking, Schmoops. This jar has been so effective at stopping my potty mouth, I figured everyone should have a jar.
I don't know what your angle is here, but I'm gonna have to say... Phbt! Pass.
Oh, sweetie, such attitude. Luckily, now we have this. [She picks up the jar saying "Baditude Jar" and puts it on the table] Dollar, please.
A "Baditude" jar? That's not a thing.
Oh, it is. Every time you lip off, it'll cost you a dollar.
Well, that's incredibly stupid!
[gasps] Baditude! Now it's $2.
Just stop giving them baditude!
I don't know how not to! This isn't fair! What about him?
Don't worry. [He picks up the jar saying "Adam Jar" and puts it on the table] Got you covered.
You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits.
So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar?
Hey, your Robit-Cop movie started this whole mess.
RoboCop isn't a robot. If anything, he's a cyborg, which falls under the umbrella of android, which means I'll put in a dollar.
See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more... Accessible.
But we don't have that kind of money. Unless we have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, a la Superman III.
I can't! It's like the Nothing in the NeverEnding Story. It can't be stopped!
I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. I can't help myself!
Don't worry. We'll just take money from my swear jar and put it into yours. The proceeds from your jars will go towards a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!
You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy.
Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth.
[voiceover] And so we were forced to avoid being our usual selves. Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV as Barry forced himself to like the Grateful Dead.
[groans] Stupid Grateful Dead. I've been listening to a bass guitar solo for 20 minutes.
Everyone knows no song can be longer than 10 minutes unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.
I know what'll make you feel better. What's Happening!!
And I told you... This kid Matt Bradley is trying to take my place as supreme and almighty leader of the JTP.
No, I'm saying What's Happening!!
I'm losing my posse! How are you not getting this?
I get it! I mean... What's Happening!!
I told you what's happening 10 times!
[voiceover] Much like my mom, who tended to swear, this is what Pops usually said.
[in the past] What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?
Oh! What's Happening!! I love Rerun on these reruns This is a classic. Rerun tries to bootleg a show, and then the Doobie Brothers stop an entire concert when they see Rerun taping them.
Wait a minute. He ruined the concert. That's it! I'll record the Dead concert and get caught.
I'm gonna really ask this time... What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening. I'm gonna make sure the JTP never see a Dead show again.
Oh, there you are. [She comes to Adam and Erica] Erica, do me a favor and empty the dishwasher.
I would love to do that, Mother.
So nice of you. Also, clean the gutters.
[voiceover] My mom was playing us just like we played her, and then she pulled out the big guns.
I heard there's a new Star Track movie coming out. We should go see it, huh? Go see Star Track?
That is... A title you would say.
And I heard the best thing about the space movie is this one superhero named Hans Olo.
No! I got to say it. His name is Han Solo, not Hans. He's a rogue smuggler, not a Danish shoe cobbler.
Han Solo is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. And it's Trek, by the way, not "Track"!
Colonial Williamsburg, here we come! Oh, you're gonna look so cute with your [BLEEP] musket.
You swore! I knew that she wouldn't last long. So predictable.
Baditude! Huh! Someone can't keep their [BLEEP] together.
Ha! Who can't keep it together now?
This is more twists and turns than the Battle of Endor!
Stop talking, you giant nerd!
Baditude jar! [chuckles] This is too [BLEEP] easy.
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars were on. Meanwhile, it was all peace and love at the Grateful Dead show.
Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing.
R"Naked" Rob
And everyone's so nice.
Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.
Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later? [He opens his jacket revealing the tapes]
Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later!
SGSecurity Guard
Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh?
SGSecurity Guard
For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go down there.
[voiceover] Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them.
Barry, you're the man. You just scored us better seats.
Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense.
Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone.
They're so nice. Now I hate them even more! They were supposed to kick us out!
Whoa. So, you wanted to ruin this for us?
I mean, not ruin. I was just...
R"Naked" Rob
Not cool, bro.
Yeah, man. You're, like, a bad friend to the JTP.
Hey! I started this posse. Without me, there is no JTP. [They realize what Barry said] You didn't say "JTP" back.
Matt is right. You're a selfish friend.
R"Naked" Rob
Yeah, and if that's how you want to run the JTP, then we don't want you in it.
Fine. I don't care. I'll start a better, more badass posse without you.
[Geoff, Andy, "Naked" Rob and Matt sadly leave Barry behind]
[voiceover] Since my brother lost control of the JTP, he decided to assemble a better crew... He hoped.
Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name.
No Rush, no Atkins. [He annoyingly stands up and leaves Barry]
Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group.
DDan
Wait, you want us to be the JAGs?
SSergei
[in Russian accent] This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag?
Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag.
DDan
Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group?
Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. And, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan.
DDan
Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out. [He leaves]
SSergei
Is decided. Naked Sergei!
[voiceover] While Barry was realizing what the JTP meant to him, the jar wars had taken on a whole new meaning.
[Clock ticks; Adam and Erica stare at their mom]
You know, I never thought I'd say these words, but the silence is making me crazy. Somebody say something!
Uh-uh! If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd.
Baditude! That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U.S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos!
All right, enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all.
Hey, I only made these other jars 'cause you made me realize that they were playing me.
Of course they were. They're awful. That's part of their charm, just like swearing's part of yours.
But Adam was right, he learned it from watching me.
You swear because you care. And I wouldn't want to change that.
And I'm not changing. I'm gonna keep calling them morons because they act like morons.
And I can't change the fact saying "Star Track" will always bother me.
And there's, like, zero chance of me changing my crap attitude, 'cause you're all lame.
See? We are who we are. And I love it!
So, we all agree, no more jar wars.
"Jar wars" sounds like Star Wars! Oh, God, it felt so good to say.
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars came to an end. Meanwhile, my brother was hoping for a new beginning with his friends.
Hey. Can I talk to you guys?
[They don't answer]
Come on, guys. Give him a chance.
Thanks, man. I was a jerk, okay? [lifting up his eye mask] Look, the three of you are the first real friends I ever had, and I just didn't want to lose you to someone else and be all alone again.
So, to make it up to you, I bought tickets to the next Dead show. [He hands them the tickets] Hoping maybe I can tag along?
Don't look at me. I'm not the leader.
No one is. We're just... The JTP.
Uh, Bar, these tickets are for Fairmount Park. How are we supposed to get there?
[The scene cuts to the JTP van]
Awesome! This seems like a big move for a band we just got into, but I like it.
[The Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey plays]
Good to have you back, Big Tasty.
It's good to be back, Matt Bradley.
[Barry and Matt agree]
[voiceover] It was official. The JTP had their newest, chillest member, Matt Bradley. And to this very day, he's still my brother's closest, dearest friend. That's what happens when you open your heart and let someone in.
[Beverly is busy sorting out these jars just as Adam and Erica arrive with his map]
We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.
We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.
We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.
[giving them a nice hug] I truly, madly, deeply love you so [BLEEP] much, I can't stand it.
[watches her hugging them] Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.
[voiceover] 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through... If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to the Real Matt Bradley"]
Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today?
[Then the word appears saying "Matt Bradley (The Chill Member of the JTP)" with an arrow pointing at him]
He's got a smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today?
[Then the word also appears saying "Barry Goldberg (Leader of the JTP in his mind)" with an arrow pointing at him]
RBRen Bans
The cream is then agitated by the motion of the stick, creating thick, rich butter. Ma'am, would you like to give it a try?
[in his space robot outfit] I'm approaching the natives now. They seem to have a leader.
Dude, no! I told you not to do this.
Greetings, Colonial settlers. I have come from the year 2032 to warn you of impending doom.
RBRen Bans
Everyone disregard. Time travel is not part of the tour.
Not part of the tour! See, I knew you'd say that. Proving that I'm from the future, where robots have taken over and their power source is pure, thick, rich butter!
I'm starting up the Adam jar again. It's for your own good.
One of the female followers is a sad loner with no boyfriend.
I give you Baré... Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
Next, we got Naked Rob. BaréStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
R"Naked" Rob
It really breathes, bro.
For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modelling the petite line.
Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!
And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
He shoots and scores... With the ladies.
Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
Babe, it really was the perfect night. Thanks so much for not going overboard. It really means the world to me.
Of course. I got to feed the meter. Be right back.
[Barry comes to see that man]
Change of plans! You need to get these giant horses out of here.
OKOnna Kone
Where's my 80 bucks, bro?
Wha... These aren't my alley horses. [to Onna] Yah! Get out!
Let's ride the horses, Barry.
Awesome! I get the one with the pretty hair.
