[Adam videotapes himself singing and dancing to "Faith" by George Michael. Adam soon bumps his arm on a bookshelf, causing it and everything on it to fall on him]
[checking to see what happened] [gasps] Snuggle monster! [runs really fast toward Adam]
[signing the cast on Adam's broken arm]: I can't believe you broke your arm dancing.
AAdam
It was either that or when Mom jumped on me. I'm so psyched! This severe compound fracture is my ticket to popularity.
Nerd's right. Everybody loves the kid in the cast.
Yeah, until everybody finds out how he broke it.
AAdam
Why? What's wrong with a lonely boy in his room, videotaping himself shaking his groove thang to George Michael? Yeah, I hear it now.
Just come up with a good lie. Something cool.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was January 7, 1980-something, and Erica was finding a new and exciting way to torture us.
Ha! Look, it's Barry's baby helmet.
No! I thought we gave that back to the institute.
You were so cute with your little flat head. I used to rest my Kool-Aid on you.
My head's perfectly round now.
[having found the photo] Oh, my gosh. It's a picture of you all helmeted up. This is gonna look great in the yearbook.
[They laugh and Erica returns back]
Come on in! We just invited over a few pals for a little video premiere party.
I like it when you said your hand was Jonathan and then you made out with it. [laughing]
Wait, you made fun of me for my Corey Feldman shrine, and all along, you were doing this?
AAdam
Let's play it again, shall we?
Stop doing what you're doing and turn it off.
Turn it up? Yeah, you got it. [turning up the volume]
EOErica on TV
I love you! Barry, the attic! I love you so much!
[Barry pushes Erica out of the way and he and Adam run upstairs and she chases them]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] My sister was furious she has lost all the power, but not half as mad as when she saw what we did to her room.
Ho, ho! [noticing all the posters with Joey, Jonathan, Danny and Donald on each of them] Donald.
Why are you doing this to me?
AAdam
We just wanted to make sure you had... "The right stuff."
Just take your stupid flat helmet head and get out of my room.
Normally, that would send me into an emotional tailspin. But from now on, no matter what you say, you're just a borderline adult woman who likes lame boy bands.
No! You do not have the power. I have the power.
AAdam
Oh, no. For years, our stupid life choices and physical awkwardness has given you ammo to humiliate us, but no more!
[Adam and Barry give each other a hi-five]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And just like that, Erica's childhood dreams became her adult nightmare.
[Erica knocks down the cut out]
Stylish? You're wearing Batman pajama bottoms.
AAdam
It's Batman Under Armour!
Okay, everybody out. I need to use the... [sees Adam shaving] Oh, my God! Are you using my lady BIC?
AAdam
I'm stimulating the follicles.
Ha! You suck. Barry, get the camera! Adam's being Adam!
What's with all the yelling? Oh, my joy! Is my baby trying to shave? [happy gasp]
AAdam
I'm stimulating the follicles.
I got the Polaroid. Say "peach fuzz." [takes a picture of Adam, much to the latter's embarrassment]
Haha! That's going on the holiday card. [laughing]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, they combined the two greatest things in the world... music and television. We all remember our favorite veejays introducing the coolest videos on a constant loop. The budgets were as high as the air, and the animation ranged from dancing cats to hunky cartoon boyfriends. And no one was more addicted to it than me and my sister.
I can't decide whether that guy's hotter as a human or a cartoon.
AAdam
If Jessica Rabbit taught us anything...cartoon.
I mean, what did we even do before MTV existed?
AAdam
I think we just listened to music like animals.
[Beverly turns the TV off]
You've been watching this music MTV television for six hours. Enough is enough. Go do your homework.
Well, if you think about it, I'm gonna be a musician, so this is my homework.
AAdam
And if you really think about it, my life's passion is making films, so this is my homework, too.
Well, my passion is snuggies, which I'm gonna shower you with if you don't leave right now. Go before I kiss your belly. [smooching] And you... have you even looked at the college catalogs I brought you?
Actually, I have, and I've narrowed it down to my top choices.
[laughing] Oh, yes! It's happening! You're growing up. Oh, no. It's happening. I'm not ready for this. Make time stop. Make it stop!
Focus! Okay, one option is the London Conservatory of Music.
Ocean between us... pass.
There's also an awesome music program at UCLA.
Country between us... pass.
A Connecticut between us... pass.
What about something here in town, like the prestigious Jenkintown Funk Academy?
That's the dance studio/karate dojo next to the Mattress Store.
[sighs] There's got to be something within driving distance.
Well, I guess Juilliard is in New York. That's my dream school, but no one gets in.
[gasps] We're going to Juilliard.
Okay, stop. That's the best school in the country.
Best for you, closest for me. I am gonna make this happen.
We're going to Juilliard.
We're going to Juilliard!
AAAdult Adam
It was May 6, 1980-something. The school day was going off without a hitch all thanks to the watchful eye of Principal Earl Ball.
Let's go, youngsters. Activate those legs so we can activate those minds. Ooh, yes. That's definitely going into "Earl's pearls."
[Principal Ball hears something banging and clattering, so he opens the door to find Barry and Lainey kissing]
Aah! Oh. Hello there, sir. Um, there was a spill in science lab. [picking up the mop] And we needed a mop.
We were kissing. She's pretty.
Why did you call me when it's usually my wife who handles this annoying school crap?
Well, truthfully, I couldn't reach her. And more truthfully, I didn't try because she scares me.
Sorry I'm late. We're having a sale down at the...
Son of a bitch. Oh, this guy.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And that guy was Lainey's dad, my father's archenemy, Bill Lewis.
Look, I called you both in here today because we need to talk about what's going on with your kids.
There's nothing going on, because I very clearly and emphatically forbade it.
Well, for the third time this week, I caught them canoodling in secret. It's unacceptable.
We have a saying in Texas... "don't blame the armadillo. Blame the armadillo's dumb father."
Oh-ho. We have a saying here... you're bald.
I'll have you know, the ladies love it. [pointing to Principal Ball]
Eh? Okay. What is happening here right now?
I'll tell you what's happening. This schmuck lives in Philadelphia, yet he roots for the Dallas cowboys. Who does that?
Red-blooded Americans, that's who does that.
Got to say, it surprises me, this friction that exists between the two of you, considering how similar you are.
No, no, no. For example, you're both fathers. You're both small-business owners. You both seem very angry.
And you're both football fans. Now, this is a bond which I can respect as a lifelong fan of the New York football Giants.
Whoa, you're a Giants fan? Why the hell do you live in Philadelphia?
[pointing at Bill] He's got a point. Unlike the Giants last season.
[Both laugh]
For your information, we won the conference last year, so suck it! So what I actually mean to say is that it's always easier to get along than be short with each other. And that is one of "Earl's pearls" you can take to the bank.
Well, thank you for your wise advice and, uh, the Giants suck.
Yeah. They suck so hard. But good luck next season. Whoops.
AAdam
No, not a new one. It's photo day at school.
You came to the right place.
AAdam
No, get out! I don't want any of your terrible device.
Dude, I'm a pimple bro. You got to pop that thing immediately.
AAdam
Everyone says not to pop it.
Look at this flawless skin. It's like baby Italian marble. Would you rather have a pizza face or a Barry face?
AAdam
Fine. I'll just pop the thing.
Oh, I gotta get this on film. [filming Adam] Come on. Let's get a close-up of that zit. Hey, why are you covering it? Don't feel so embarrassed. Let me see that zit. Come on. For memories.
[coming home] Out of the way, nerd.
AAdam
Hey, I was just looking through the mail. Actually, there's something here for you.
"Master Barry Goldberg?" From C. Norris? Hollywood, California? Dude, Chuck Norris wrote me back! [opening the letter and reading the note] "Dear Barry, sorry it took me so long to write back, but thanks for the nice words and for being a fan. I have given a great deal of thought to what I'm about to tell you."
Shut up! "Herein lies my most precious secret to being a true martial arts warrior. If you have a brother, obey him. He has a power you do not yet understand. Godspeed, douche-nozzle. Sincerely, Chuck Norris."
AAdam
So, what's it say, douche-nozzle?
It says I should kick your ass.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with Thanksgiving. When it came to her cooking, everything had to be perfect. She even made practice turkeys before the big day.
[eating a piece of turkey] Mmm!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] To my mom, it was a time for family. For my dad, it was a hassle.
Why do we got to schlep all the way here to go shopping when we got a perfectly good market a minute away from our house?
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Well, I thought this time of year, a change of scenery would...
Oh, look! Murray, there's your father! What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store?
You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you?
So, I have eyes everywhere. What? Does that make me some kind of villain?
Bevy, every year you ask me to invite that spiteful, miserable man to Thanksgiving. You got to give it up.
You're right. He's your father, and I have no right to... Hi! Ben, look! It's your son, Murray! You remember Murray.
BBen
My foot's still got that thing. And I need eye surgery.
So, any plans for the holiday, Ben?
BBen
Yeah, I got it right here. This compartment is the stuffing. That's the sweet potatoes. That gray circle, that's the turkey.
Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked meal be much better than that?
BBen
That depends. You know what happened the last time I ate your cooking.
That was right after we got married. That was ages ago.
BBen
Your turkey was drier than the sun. It was like eating the inside of a vacuum bag filled with pencil shavings. I did not enjoy the meal.
It was the first time I'd ever cooked Thanksgiving by myself. My kids were little. They were hanging all over me. I didn't even have a baster. I was baster-less!
BBen
No baster could fix your food crimes. Sorry, pal. You deserve better.
This is not over. You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now!
See, I see why you're hocking me all the time to invite him. You just want to show my dad that you're a good cook.
The best cook. And family is important and stuff.
Well, it's not gonna happen. It's bad enough you invite my moron brother every year.
Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad.
AAAdult Adam
As Pops was trying to put an end to my mom's new traditions, I was trying to get back at Barry for ruining ours.
AAdam
Go on. Do it already.
Oh, I will do it. I've stuck my tongue to tons of different things.
AAdam
You're stalling. Come on. I triple dog dare you.
AAAdult Adam
There it was, the coup de grâce of all dares, the sinister triple dog dare. Barry had no choice but to accept.
No fear. [Now he gets his tongue stuck on the ball pole and Adam laughs] It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck! It's stuck!
AAdam
That's right. You ain't going nowhere, bro.
AAdam
You've been ignoring me all week, but no more! Looks like you'll be hanging out with your little brother, like it or not.
Adam I'm sorry okay? I do want to spend time with you.
Of course, I was dumb. We're brothers. Now let's go inside and play a game of ball ball.
Original version! Now come over here and give Big Tasty a hug.
AAdam
Aww. [coming closer to his brother and Barry puts his hands on his head] No! No!
AAdam
You putz! Now we're both stuck and nobody knows we're here!
Huh. I did not think that through.
[They are now stuck on the ball pole and fighting each other]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, my brother and I never liked the same music. That is, until we heard a group that would change our lives forever.
[singing] Well, I'm Mike D and I'm back from the dead Chilling at the beach down at club med
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] The Beastie Boys. To us, they weren't just a rap group. They were a way of life. We copied their videos and memorized every single lyric. Simply put, they were a game-changer.
AAdam
I'm telling you, dude, if Mike D met us, he would be like, "We should be best friends."
For sure! We're practically related. They rap, they party hard, and they're in the tribe.
AAdam
All three of them! What are the chances?
Wait a minute. Do you realize what this means? If the Beasties can make it, so can we. Answer me this. Do we not have a license to ill? [He shows Adam a license to ill]
AAdam
Dude, you spelled "license" wrong.
Don't pass this offer up, Ad-Rock. I think you have what it takes to join my Beastie Boys inspired supergroup, The Tasty Boys.
AAdam
Could we give it five more minutes on the name?
AAdam
You'd really let me into your rap supergroup?
Of course. Your weird voice sounds like you have a young man and an old woman stuck in your body, so I'll clearly be the breakout star.
[They put their glasses on]
Who's ill? Oh, my God, get to bed. No one's going to school today.
Ba-ba-ba! We're both ill and sick.
I guess the only thing I can do is wait on you hand and foot in front of the TV. Come on. Yeah.
Being a reap star is awesome!
[Beverly tucks Barry in with a blanket]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was January 6, 1980-something. The fateful day my mom first laid eyes on our neighbors' new kitchen.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Everything was brand-new. It was an '80s architectural masterpiece of Formica in every shade of brown.
Is that almond-colored? It's beautiful. Like dirty snow. This linoleum, it looks like real tile. Oh, it spins around! Look! The cinnamon was in the back, and now it's in the front!
VVirginia
And the best part, Charles did the whole thing himself, and it cost half the price.
No, get out of my way. Move your body. I must speak to Murray now.
[Beverly now has to run back home and speak to Murray]
We're getting a new kitchen.
What's wrong with the old kitchen?
You just said it. It's old. It doesn't have what I need in the kitchen. Hello, Bill.
All you need in the kitchen is food and forks. And maybe a cup or two.
Also, you'd be surprised how often you use a juicer.
Then it's settled. We're gonna get a juicer. Damn it, Bevy, you win again.
I mean it. We need to renovate. This thing should be in a museum. A museum of ugly refrigerators. Blech! And look at this floor. No, don't. It'll give you a seizure. And what about these lazy-Susan-less cabinets? I've got to move the other spices out of the way like a wild animal. Like, "Oh, here's the tarragon." Oh. [But she accidentally clatters the pots on the floor] And now I'm stressed out.
Bevy, I'd love to give you a new kitchen, but it would cost a fortune. And the materials alone...
I'm a tile man. I'll hook you up for free.
I see what this is about. You don't want this 'cause you're afraid of change.
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
You're a creature of habit. For the last 10 years, you've had the same job, same car, same clothes.
Just because I like things the certain way doesn't mean I'm a creature of habit.
Then how do you explain this?
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Coca-Cola announced new coke, which sent their old-school customers into a tailspin.
The second you find out that coke is changing their recipe, you start to stockpile. What kind of person is afraid of new coke? It's nuts.
I'm not afraid. I just like the old-timey original kind.
Okay, see? You're just proving my point.
Bevy, I try new stuff. Like that big pink orange I ate that one time.
Yeah. Never again. The point is, I love change.
Well, there's gonna be some big changes around here. Big changes!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As my mom was laying down the law, Barry was laying down some tracks.
[Adam and Barry are beatboxing]
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary
You morons! I told you to stop going in my room and stealing my old glasses.
AAdam
But we need 'em to get the cool fisheye-lens effect.
Your jacked-up eyeballs are our hip-hop supergroup's game.
You may play the guitar and sing like an angel, but I'm the real musician in the family.
AAdam
I'm just happy he's including me. Life DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Dude, you're not a real musician. You can't sing or read music or play an instrument, unlike me, who can do all of it.
Hiding in your bedroom. You've written tons of lame chick songs, but no one's ever heard them.
I'm just... Perfecting each one.
No. You're stalling 'cause you're afraid of what people might think of you. I, on the other hand, don't think at all.
AAdam
It's true. He does not think.
Just because you like Beastie Boys doesn't mean you can be them. They're three awesome musicians, and you're two clueless idiots.
You're right. We need a third.
I feel like I could say anything, and you would just do whatever you want.
She's right! We should hold auditions! [He gives Adam a hi-five]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
