“Season One, Episode Three” quotes from The Fast Show

Eh, ain't it brilliant these days? The pubs are open all day, brilliant, they never used to be, fantastic, you can drink all day, brilliant. And 'ave you seen those new photo shops? You can get your pictres developed in like two hours, two hours, used t' take a week, brilliant. And you know answer phones, they're fantastic aren't they? I've got one but I don't know how it works. Paints good innit? All them colours and that? Yeah. Do you know what? In London, they've got these brilliant trains that go underground, you don't suffocate or nowt, fantastic. What about them animals you can get, you keep 'em in your 'ouse, and they're all furry, and you can stroke 'em, and make up names for them and they're called 'dogs', and smaller ones are called 'cats'. It's brilliant, everything's just fantastic.

At the weekend, I continued my research into a particularly rare species of dinosaur. After building a time-machine out of a station wagon, some pots and pans, and some aluminum tin-foil, I attempted to travel back in time 5 million years. The results were disappointing. I then realised it would be more sensible to excavate some fossils, and then reassemble the bones. Try to make a mental picture, of what it was like to be a gruff cave-man. And now Dave and particle acceleration. Dave...

Bugger, I missed it! I bloody knew that were going t' happen. I'm on me way t' British Legion Club, generally pop down every Tuesday afternoon. Have a game of cards, or perhaps some dominoes, usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now I expect I'll be stood here all the bloody day waiting for another bus.

Crikey, there's a stroke o' luck, here's one now.