Aren't kids brilliant thes days? They're 'appy just sittin' 'round plain' video games, you don't have to worry 'bout 'em getting run over or 'owt, fantastic. When I were a kid I used to get dead bored, me Dad used t' say that when he were a kid...
[cuts to Rubbish Dad]
RDRubbish Dad
...all I needed were a bit o' string...
[cuts back to Brilliant]
...then he'd hit us 'round the 'ead, brilliant, fantastic. Aren't shops brilliant? 'Cause if you want something, no matter what it is, you can get it in a shop. Like a magazine, or anything, even some milk, or Cheesy-Peas, aren't Cheesy-Peas brilliant? They're a combination of cheese and peas to form Cheesy-Peas, brilliant. And, you know, if we didn't have shops, we wouldn't be able to buy 'em, wouldn't be able to buy 'owt, and we'd probably all die, and that would be terrible, wouldn't it? Aren't pavements brilliant? If you think about it, right, if we didn't 'ave 'em, everywhere would just be one big road, and we'd probably keep getting run over all the time, and we'd all die, and that'd be terrible wouldn't it? I mean, really terrible. I'n't the sky brillliant? I mean, where does it end? Fantastic.
[a fly buzzes into his mouth and he gags]
Just swallowed a fly, brilliant.
We took four laboratory mice, and for six days exposed them to Mozart's Clarinet Quintet. After the six days was over, we then placed an actual clarinet inside the cage with the mice, to see if the mice had grasped the subtle nuances of classical music. The results were disappointing. Next time, we will feed and water the mice. Now, Dave with a sideways look at Deoxyribo-Nucleic-Acid. Dave...
Why can't...why can't I just say DNA? It's so hard that.
[Roy and Renée are on train, talking to man opposite, Roy eats a Kit-Kat]
Oh we’ve just come back from Paris in France, haven’t we Roy, we got off the train I said ohh it’s sooo Parisian, what did I say Roy?
I mean French cuisine its the best in the world you know the chips are so thin and crispy, I said Roy we’ll come here again, what did I say Roy?
And then we had some trouble at the hotel you know, we’d booked a room with a bath but when we got there it were a shower, I said to Roy call the concierge, what did I say Roy?
Which is French for hotel porter man. You know but Roy, he will not take a shower, he will not take a shower, because of his legs, why won’t you take a shower Roy?
[man on train takes subtle look under the table at Roy’s legs]
So the concierge came down, he couldn’t have been nicer, he pretended not to understand at first like they do so we had to look it up in the bilingual book what the word for bath was and it was bain, what was it Roy?
So they moved us to a room with a bain, no bloody view from the fenetre, - I’m back in England but I can’t stop talking French, so I said to Roy we won’t let it spoil our holiday, what did I say Roy?
[Roy holds Kit Kat towards man on train]
Do you want bit of Kit-Kat?
[Renée slaps Roy's hand]
He doesn’t want any Kit-Kat- Roy!
See this? It's an FA Cup final ticket, though knowing my luck they'll probbly cancel the game. So, I've decided not to risk it. I'm just goin' t' sit here, wi' a nice glass o' beer, and watch it on t' telly.
[he picks up the remote, presses a button and the TV explodes, starting a fire. He picks up his beer and throws it over the fire, extinguishing it]
