Swiss Toni quotes from The Fast Show

What is a woman, Paul?

I beg your pardon, Swiss?

Watch me. Learn from me. I could teach you everything there is to know about this business. These aren't cars we're selling here, they're dreams. And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have to know about women.

Right, yes, Swiss.

A woman is not just a creature that likes fine wines, Whitney Houston films, and the manly smell of a pipe. A woman is a mysterious, complex box of tricks. When you're selling a car to woman, you have to imagine you're making love to her. You have to seduce her. And when she buys, that's the Big-O: Orgasm central. Multiple orgasm would be if she bought lots of cars.

Like a fleet?

Yes, but, that never happens.

What if you're selling a car to a bloke?

Then it's all about todgers. These aren't cars, they're todgers.

But I thought you said they were dreams?

You ever dream about todgers, Paul?

No.

No, no. Neither do I, obviously. When you're selling a car to man, it all comes down to who's got the biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, "I've got the biggest todger in the world".

I've got the biggest todger in the world.

It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine.

Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to caress the body, breathe softly and gently on her, and give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

All we ever do is wash the bloody cars, Toni. I mean, when are we gonna sell them?

What is it that women want, Paul?

I don't know, babies, probably.

You're a Neanderthal, Paul!

What's that?

Caveman, living in prehistoric times. Let me tell you what the sophisticated, modern, liberated, nineties ladies like. They like fine wines, Belgian chocolates, Hello! magazine, and the smell of a pipe. Did I ever tell you about the time I was on St. Lucia? Met a girl on the beach, she was young, and dark, and fruity. She had on the tiniest... the tiniest bikini that I have ever seen. And when I took her up to my room, she took it off. She had the most extraordinary...[static]

Do I find you reading a book, Paul?

Yeah, sorry, Swiss. There are no customers, and, it's a guide book I'm going camping at the weekend.

Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.