(Tom has a nightmare where he drops the soap in prison)
?"Health Inspector"
Soap drop, nigga.
(Tom gasps)
?"Health Inspector"
Oh, you think you just gon' leave it down there?
?"Health Inspector"
Huh? We don't waste no muthafuckin' soap in here.
?"Health Inspector"
Naw. Naw, nigga. You ain't finish. I been watchin' you.
?"Health Inspector"
You ain't wash behind your ears or nothin'.
?"Health Inspector"
Now look at me. See how I'm all clean an' glistenin' an' shit? Dat's hygiene, nigga. You can call me the Health Inspector. Now PICK UP THE SOAP!
(A scared Tom wordlessly bends over to pick up the soap. The "Health Inspector" is standing directly behind him and starts to smile...)
OIOffscreen Inmates
Pray, baby. Pray!... I'm next!
DSDHS Spokesman
And so, we're raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, ya never know. But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today, maybe.
(hysterical) Terrorists have my daddy!
Terrorists kidnapped my father and they're going to cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out and he isn't here. And we're at terror alert level orange! Orange!!
Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that...
(Phone rings)
(answers the phone) Hello?
(frantic) Riley. Is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency.
(slight pause, Riley starts to laugh)
Don't drop the soap. (hangs up)
(the phone rings, and he answers it again) Yeah?
I thought you only get one phone call from jail.
(Huey grabs the phone)
Huey! I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black Huey! You have to get me out of here Huey. You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.
They'll rape you, that's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail, you're in holding, and I don't think people usually get raped in holding; hold on. (yelling) Granddad, do people get raped in holding?
(Jazmine starts to cry)
Stop stop stop! I don't want your granddad to know. I don't want anybody to know. Listen. They can't keep people in holding over the weekend. At nine o'clock tonight, they're going to put me on a bus and send me to real jail. REAL! JAIL! Earliest I can get out would be on Monday.
Well it's just the weekend.
IT ONLY TAKES ONE NIGHT TO GET ANALLY RAPED! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.
The real killer?! Nigga, I'm 10! How am I gonna find the real killer?
Alright alright alright. Damn.
Thank yooou Huuey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine. I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiittcch! (he starts weeping)
Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?
Umm... your father wants you to know he's nobodys' bitch.
Tom is being interviewed by police, using the good-cop/bad-cop shtick.
WCWhite cop
YOU LIAR! (slaps Tom) You killed him, didn't ya, ya sick bastard?!
The white cop tries to slap Tom again, but his black colleague stops him.
BCBlack cop
Hey, hey, hey! That's enough, go cool off! Now!
The white cop leaves the room, but then comes back and slaps Tom several times.
BCBlack cop
(pushing the white cop out) Get your ass out, move!
The black cop and Tom are now alone. Tom is weeping.
Why are you doing this to me?
BCBlack cop
Y'know what this is, man? It's fuckin' racism, man. You were at the wrong place at the wrong time, and you just happened to fit the description. (pushes a pen and some forms towards Tom) Now, if you admit that you killed him...
(indignant) I didn't kill anyone!
BCBlack cop
Look, even if you didn't kill him, just admit that you killed him. I promise you you won't go to jail. Smack on the wrist. I promise.
Wait, stop. You can't be serious. I'm a prosecutor, I'm never gonna fall for this!
Cut to a clock. Ten minutes pass.
(crying) So you're saying that if I confess, I w-won't go to jail?
BCBlack cop
I give you my word.
BCBlack cop
No anal rape.
Tom is still crying, but now has a goofy smile on his face
So y'all was in Iraq together?
We was looking for weapons of mass destruction.
....Did you ever find them?
You know goddamn well we ain't find 'em. What are you some kinda POLITICAL HUMORIST?! You GARRY TRUDEAU up in dis bitch?!?!
I was lookin' for bitches but they had that carpet shit all over them and I couldn't see what they look like. All that was really exposed was the eyes and that wasn't enough for me, cause you know shit I'm lookin' at the eyes, the eyes be pretty and I take the carpet off and then I got a tragedy.
But nah we ain't find 'em. but I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that something doesn't exist.
"What" ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak english in "What"?
ENGLISH, MUTHAFUCKER!! DO YOU SPEAK IT!?
So you understand the words I'm sayin' to you.
Well what I'm sayin' is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns but there's also unknown unknowns. Things we don't know that we don't know.
SAY WHAT AGAIN! SAY WHAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKER! SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME!
(Rummy and Ed III watch Officer Frank closely as he and Ed III approach the counter.)
(to Ed) Watch my back, I got yo front.
(Rummy and Ed III place the cartons on the counter.)
CClerk
Hey Ed, Rummy my close friends and allies it is good to see you.
CClerk
Hey slow your roll chief. You guy have to pay for that first.
Damn! Chill out, Aladdin Hussein. You know I'm good for it.
CClerk
Hey guys you know the rules. No exceptions, cash only.
(Rummy and Ed look back at Officer Frank)
Look, he got a weapon! (pulls out his hand gun and points it at the clerk)
Whoa, wait a minute now, (points his M-16 at the clerk) Put the gun down.
CClerk
Gun? What gun? I'm not holding a gun. Guys, it's me. Ed, your father help me build this store.
I DON'T KNOW YOU MUTHAFUCKER! NOW, PUT DOWN THE WEAPON, PUT IT DOWN!!
CClerk
There is no weapon, look!
FOfficer Frank
(trembling nervously) I-- I don't see a weapon!
There is no weapon, they're robbing the store!
CClerk
I am not holding a weapon! I AM NOT HOLDING A WEAPON!
OFFICER, THIS MUTHAFUCKER GOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU!! YOU WANNA DIE!?
FOfficer Frank
I-I DON'T WANNA DIE!
HE DOES HAVE A GUN, TRUST ME!! THE ABSENCE OF EVIDENCE IS NOT THE EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE!!
FOfficer Frank
I-I DON'T SEE A GUN!
Man, fuck this shit! (points his gun at Officer Frank.) Whose side you on? Mine, or this muthafucker who's obviously of terrorist descent?
FOfficer Frank
Wait, I think I can see the gun now!
GOOD, NOW ALL SEE THE WEAPON!! NOW YOU HAND OVER THAT WEAPON ON THE COUNT OF THREE, OR I SWEAR TO ALL MIGHTY GOD, I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!! ONE!!
CClerk
I CAN'T GIVE YOU A WEAPON I'M NOT HOLDING!! YOU'RE THINKING OF THE KOREAN SHOP, NORTH OF HERE!
FOfficer Frank
Is he... still holding it!?
He-is-not-holding-a-weapon!
(narrating) I was so desperate for information on the shooting, I watched that show my brother calls "the news."
BEBlack Eyewitness Man
Oh shit! Aw, nigga, I seent it! I seent the whole thang, nigga, you shoulda seent that shit I saw...
Oh, great. Black Eyewitness Man. I hate Black Eyewitness Man!
BEBlack Eyewitness Man
... with my own eyes, nigga. Damn, that shit was crazy, nigga! I seen everything! [his cellphone rings, and he answers] Hold up. Nigga, that's me on TV, BABYYY!!! YEAH, NIGGA, YEAH! .... no I ain't got your money, nigga.
BEBlack Eyewitness Woman
[shrieks] JESUS!!! It was terrible! I was in the club- a- I was in the club, a-and this bitch stepped on my shoe, and I was like, "BITCH!" And then some nigga started shootin'. I was like "There he go! He done fucked it up for everybody!"
(narrating) So, what had happened was Gangstalicious was doing a show in town when three men rushed the stage and shot him. Ironically, he was doing his new joint "I Got Shot" at the time.
CCrowd
(repeating) I got shot!
(Three men rush the stage and shoot Gangstalicious.)
CCrowd
(still repeating) I got shot!
CCrowd
I got shot for real!
No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! I'm bleedin'! I'ma die! Somebody please, help me, help me... (he faints)
CCrowd
No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! (fades into mumbling)
Riley (narrating) It was 45 minutes before anyone called an ambulance.
(men are shooting at them) WE GONNA DIE!
Run nigga! (they run) Where's your gun?
Oh, yeah yeah! Ya'll niggas is in for it, now! (takes out his gun, shoots feebly three times, then drops the gun and runs)
(cut to parking lot)
We need a car. We gon' have to jack someone. Where's your gun?
What's done is done, let's be solution oriented. (looks around and then looks at Riley) You mad?
How you gonna drop the gun, Gangstalicious? That is NOT gangsta! That's VERY not gangsta! Man, I can't believe this. YOU A FRAUD!
Oh I'm a fraud? You scared too!
OKAY, FINE! FINE! WHATEVER! I'm a fraud, I'm a fraud. I'm just an average, normal dude. I DON'T WANNA DO THIS STUPID SHIT NO MORE!! I'm tired of gettin' shot. Help!
It's like going to heaven and finding God smokin' crack!
You want me to direct the Christmas play?
UMr. Uberwitz
Absolutely. I think you’ll do a fantastic job.
First of all, I don’t give a damn about Christmas.
UMr. Uberwitz
You don’t have to do a traditional Christmas play... no, you can do... whatever you want.
UMr. Uberwitz
Fired? For what?
For bein’ an irresponsible white person.
Mr. Uberwitz I would really love to see your vision.
Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself: are you really ready to see that vision?
UMr. Uberwitz
We’ll give you complete creative control.
(considers for a moment) I want it in writing.
Have y'all lost your damn minds? Opening night is less than two weeks away and y'all wanna party?
KKid
We're just having some fun.
Fun? Do I look like Charlie Brown?
Do I LOOK like Charlie Brown?!
You know what? All y'all are fired!
KKids
(collectively) What? Fired?
UMr. Uberwitz
Huey... but it's the entire cast. Are you sure that's a good idea?
(clears throat) Contract.
UMr. Uberwitz
(to the kids) I'm... sorry guys.
(The kids looks at Quincy Jones.)
QJQuincy Jones
Hey, don't be lookin' at me.
Don't look at Quincy Jones! Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you! Get ya' asses out! Now!
SSanta
Well hello, there. And what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
GGirl
I want- uh, uh... Santa, you got a red dot on your head.
(diving in slow motion) Nooooooooo!
(Riley fires the gun)
(he blocks some of the bullets) Ow! Goddamn! That had to pierce a spleen or something.
(Santa uses girl to block bullets and girl screams in pain)
GGirl
Santa, why? You ruined my childhood!
You gonna pay what you owe, Santa! You gonna pay what you owe. Running like a bitch.
(talking on his radio, panting) Backup. I need backup. I'm fat. I can't run very fast. I think I'm having a heart attack and a couple of light strokes.
(aims carefully at Santa) Merry Christmas nigga. (gun clicks) Damn.
Oh, Huey! You’ve got a lunch meeting at 11:30 about the sound effects for the dog fight sequence.
The PTA is threatening a boycott of the play since you fired all the kids.
And... the principal is in your office to talk about the script.
(later, in Huey's office)
PPrincipal
First of all, I just wanted you to know we’re thrilled with the script.
W1Woman 1
Absolutely fantastic.
W2Woman 2
Brilliant. Wouldn’t change a thing.
PPrincipal
We just had a couple of notes.
W2Woman 2
Nothing significant.
PPrincipal
(flipping through the script) Lets see, uh, there’s a typo on page five; uh, there’s a continuity problem on page 32 — I think that scene’s supposed to be at night — and, let's see, umm... oh yeah, um, and, uh, Jesus can’t be black.
What do you mean he can’t be black?
PPrincipal
He can't be black. Maybe we can make Jesus another color.
W1Woman 1
How bout white?
W2Woman 2
We could probably do Italian.
PPrincipal
Jesus was Middle Eastern.
In addition to Arabs, the Middle East has always had many people of African descent, whom you would consider black.
PPrincipal
Sorry, can’t do it.
(Clears throat, presents contract)
PPrincipal
Oh right, that. (he tears it to pieces)
PPrincipal
(leaving) Best of luck.
W1Woman 1
(leaving) Break a leg.
W2Woman 2
(leaving) I can't wait for opening night.
(camera shows a disappointed Huey with a poster behind him that reveals the chosen title for his play: The Adventures of Black Jesus)
Dear Santa, you are a bitch nigga. Wait, hol'up, hol'up, hol'up. Dear Santa, you are a bitch ass nigga. I heard the mall is hiring extra security to protect you. That's a bitch move, Santa! I'm coming for that ass again until you pay what you owe! Sincerely yours, the Santa Stalker.
(wiggling her tooth) The tooth fairy will be coming soon.
Yup. Everytime I lose a tooth, the tooth fairy takes it away and leaves a dollar under my pillow.
There ain't no such thing as the tooth fairy.
Then who's leaving the money?
Probably your parents. They have both the cash and the access to your room.
Why would they lie to me?
Because the truth hurts Jazmine. The world is a hard and lonely place and nobody gets anything for free. And you want to know what else? One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.
You enjoy abusing peoples' illusions. I respect that. It's thankless work. (pauses) Do you like my sunglasses? I wear sunglasses because my idol Dr. Bill Cosby wears sunglasses all the time, and you know what they say: "Cosbiness is next to Godliness."
Nobody, really. Just thought you might want to talk to someone who understands.
I know you better than you think, Huey Freeman.
(surprised, he turns around only to find that the man has disappeared)
All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you goin' be bitches.
No, no... I mean "bitches" like you gonna have so many bitches that's what niggas gonna call you. No disrespect.
No disrespect? You just called your granfather "bitches"!
Yeah, but I don't mean "bitches" in a desrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.
And you're gonna let him get away with this?
Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to Bitches. Is all I'm tryin' say. No disrespect.
Hmm, Granddad "Bitches" Freeman. Hoo, has a nice ring to it.
Shh! It's Huey's make-believe government agent in our bathroom taking a dump. (snickers)
If your grandad has one weakness, it's bitches. 'Course they're my weakness too.
It's complicated, Huey. I'm a secret agent sent to spy on you. (Huey glares at him) Okay, maybe it's not that complicated.
Do spies usually introduce themselves to whoever they spy on? What spy school did you go to?
Eh. I'm too old to be sneaking around.
WWorker
(passing through) Excuse us. Coming through.
What if I tell someone right now?
You tried that earlier in the kitchen. Remember? By the way, I wasn't really in the bathroom taking a dump, but ma-ha-ha-ha-han! Ah, that brother of yours is a hoot. And your grandfather? Those two need their own sitcom.
Look. Just because my job is to watch your every move and evesedrop on your every telephone call and monitor your every e-mail doesn't mean we can't be friends. (a worker passes by the secret agent, but after he finishes passing by, the agent has vanished)
