HHuey
I mean, everything that we see is a false reality. It's like... Big Brother, The Matrix, whatever you wanna call it. While we're watching each other, they're watching us. All the time.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
HHuey
I'm being followed by a secret government agent.
JJasmine
Really? Who? Where is he?
HHuey
I dunno. Kinda just pops up outta nowhere and just disappears.
JJasmine
You mean like the Tooth Fairy?
HHuey
No, I don't mean like the Tooth Fairy!
JJasmine
Sounds like the Tooth Fairy to me. You can believe in secret agents and I can't believe in the Tooth Fairy? That's messed up, Huey.
HHuey
Go! Eat something out of a dumpster! You street urchen!
HHuey
I came up with a name for you. The White Shadow.
Hm... I'm white. I'm shadowing you. It's very clever.
HHuey
And I decided that you are a figment of my overactive imagination.
Now, who is hiding from reality. Just because you're paranoid, Huey, doesn't mean we're not out to get you.
HHuey
If you are real, then why me?
Oh, come on. You underestimate yourself. It's a shame what happened to the house. You warned them.
HHuey
They wouldn't listen to me. They never listen to me.
I know you wanna save the world, Huey, but sometimes people need to learn lessons on their own. The hard way. (looks at his watch) Well, can't miss the Idol. And if you ever wanna talk, just remember, I'm always listening. (walks off and hums to himself)
MMLK
Excuse me... brothers and sisters, please (everybody's dancing). Can someone just... turn off... (no one pays attention to him)
HHuey
(narrating) King looked out on his people and saw they were in great need, so he did what all great leaders do: he told them the truth.
MMLK
(finally hitting his breaking point and snaps into a rage) Will you ignorant niggas PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!?!
(the crowd immediately goes silent in astonishment; someone in the crowd is heard asking "Did he just say what I think he said?") Is this it? This is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once. It was a dream that little black boys and little black girls would drink from the river of prosperity, freed from the thirst of oppression. But lo and behold, some four decades later, what have I found but a bunch of trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing niggas; and I know you some of you don't want to hear me say that word. It's the ugliest word in the English language. But that's what I see now — niggas. And you don't want to be a nigga. Because niggas are living contradictions. Niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions! Niggas wax and wane, niggas love to complain, niggas love to hear themselves talk but hate to explain! Niggas love being another man's judge and jury! Niggas procrastinate until it's time to worry! Niggas love to be late! Niggas hate to hurry! (cuts to later on in his speech) Black Entertainment Television... is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life! (and even later) Usher, Michael Jackson is NOT a genre of music! And now I'd like to talk about Soul Plane... (he finally finishes his speech) I've seen what's around the corner! I've seen what's over the horizon! And I promise you, you niggas have nothing to celebrate! And no, I won't get there with you. I'm going to Canada. (he simply leaves without any goodbye, as the crowd is still dead silent in shock and astonishment)
HHuey
(narrating) That was the last time I saw Dr. King, but the story doesn’t end there. King’s speech was replayed the entire next day on the cable news channels. Then, something unexpected happened: people got angry.
RReporter
Nobody knows exactly what to attribute to the sharp decline in African American dropout rates...
R2Reporter 2
...every African American player in the NBA refusing to play until there is a full troop withdrawal from...
R3Reporter 3
...Billionaire Bob Johnson apologizing to Black America for the network he founded...
R4Reporter 4
...the White House and Congress are receiving an unprecedented amount of calls from irate African Americans...
HHuey
(continuing)...and the revolution finally came.
(Huge crowd seen protesting loudly in front of the gates of the White House. Police shoot tear gas into the crowd.)
CTCut to
Newspaper, dated 2020, sub-headline: Martin Luther King Jr. dies in Vancouver, B.C. at 91 years old
ZOZoom out to reveal main headline
Oprah Winfrey Elected President
HHuey
It’s fun to dream.
SSarah
Hey everyone, I brought peach cobbler.
Ewww... Mrs. Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw up.
Boy!
It do! Look it look like throw up with peas in it. Mrs. Dubois, you been eatin' peas?
Boy come here; what wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? She da one who brought vomit over here in a tupperware container.
That is not vomit. It just look like vomit. Now apologize to Mrs Dubois.
SSarah
Um, i-i-it's okay... really...
Fine: Mrs. Dubois, I'm sorry your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas.
Damnit boy!
SSarah
Guys, please, you know we don't have to...
I don't care if you beat me Granddad, I won't eat it! That is disgusting! It's completely uncalled for!
You'll eat it if I have to hold you down and shove it down your throat.
SSarah
Really I didn't mean for it to be...
I know what you're tryin' do. You tryin' kill me. I hate you!
(Riley runs out the room with Granddad running after him. Scene shows Huey, Jazmine, Sarah and Tom watching Riley getting "whipped" offscreen)
You are gonna eat that cobbler and you gonna ACT LIKE YOU LIKE IT!!!
RRiley (while Granddad is talking)
I don't wanna eat the cobbler! I DON'T WANNA EAT THE COBBLER!!!
I present to you...the Luther! A full-pound burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onion, five strips of bacon, all sandwiched between-
Two donuts!
Two Krispy Kreme donuts! It's called The Luther because it was supposed to have been invented by Mr. Luther Vandross himself!
HHuey
Luther Vandross is dead!
And? Where's your point? Hm?
HHuey
(watches Riley take a bite of the burger) Is this one of your menus? Sausage and waffle and fried chicken breakfast lasagna?
Yup.
HHuey
Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish? Granddad, you can't serve this kind of stuff to people! It will cause... death!
(about the burger he is eating) Woah, this is what crack must feel like!
Shame on you, Huey! You move out to the suburbs, and suddenly you too good for soul food. Perhaps you would enjoy your spotted cheese in a buttered scone, white boy? (Riley passes out) Boy, boy, are you okay?! I'm sure it's just The Itis, right?
HHuey
That or insulin shock! Do CPR!
Riley, wake up!
HHuey
Yeah, I'm not sure yellin' at him is gonna help, Granddad. How do you not know CPR?
I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me 'cause I was black.
HHuey
What?
Man, I don't get that.
Get what?
That textin' shit!
EWEd Wuncler
And what's wrong with textin'?
You mean aside from the fact that it's the stupidest fuckin' thing in the world? I mean, why would anyone in their right mind spend fifteen minutes tryin' to type some shit they could've called and said in five seconds? Plus, it involves typing with your thumbs, which I just don't approve of. Shit, I don't know about you, but I don't have time to read nothin' that a mothafucka typed with his thumbs. Fun fact: Nothing typed by someone's thumbs has ever been important. It's all just Nigga Technology anyway.
EEd
What'd you call it?
Nigga Technology. Technology for Niggas. And you don't start trippin' and shit, call me a racist. 'Cause I don't mean Nigga in a disrespectful way, I-I mean it as a general term for an ignorant motherfucker. Anybody of any race can be an ignorant motherfucker.
EEd
Shit, I be textin' my ass off, shit, bitches like text! I be textin' 'em all the time; 'matter of fact, I also be textin' my weed man, too, cause, you know, he don't like to be on the phone, so I text 'im!
...Case in point.
So basically, Nigga Technology is anything that doesn't plug into a printer. Does that plug into a printer?
EEd
No.
Know why? 'Cause niggas never have anything to print.
(Huey and Riley are fighting in the kitchen)
Boys...what the hell?!
I ain't doin' nothin', Granddad! I was just gon' go to Ed's house, and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater!
What the hell is wrong with you, Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business!
HHuey
Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
There he go hatin' again!
Boy! Stop hatin'!
HHuey
What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shotgun, and Riley shot Ed out of a second-story window?!
(Cutscene to 'Garden Party' when Riley shot Ed out of the window)
Ohhh...that did happen, didn't it?
Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in his Second Amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?!
HHuey
Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the mini-mart?!
(Cutscene to 'A Date with the Health Inspector' during the gun fight)
They was fightin' terrorism! Makin' the world safe for the freedoms that we enjoy today! That's messed up, you don't support the troops, Huey!
That is kind of messed up, Huey. (to Riley) Be back by dinner.
Ha!
It wudn't me!
OOfficer
It says, "Riley wuz here."
Well maybe it was another Riley.
OOfficer
You dropped these pictures (pictures show Riley posing in front of his graffiti), and, umm, you have paint all over your hands.
TTom
Riley, graffiti is a serious crime. Now as the assistant district attorney, I'd have to arrest you and send you to jail, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
(smirking) Nawwww, 'cause I remember when you got arrested that one time and you was cryin' 'cause you thought they were gonna rape you.
TTom
(interrupting) Well, I don't exactly remember it happening like that.
Yeah it did. The way you was talkin, they was fi'in to wear that ass out.
TTom
(interrupting) Okayyyyy... So we're all agreed that none of us want to go to jail.
And then there was somethin' about a salad, or somethin'?
TTom
(enthusiastically) Yes! Salads! For dinner! They make you eat vegetables every night and they're not... delicious... at all.
HHuey
Uhhhh, is the cop here for me or Riley?
Your brother got caught spraying graffiti on... Wait, why would he be here for you?
HHuey
Uh, No reason.
Fine, I knew y'all was gonna find a way to blame me for this. Go ahead! Say hello to the bad guy! But a white man told me to do it.
TTom
Wait a minute, what white man? What did he look like?
White... I just assumed he was in charge.
OOfficer
Why?
'Cause he was white!
OOfficer
And just what did this white man look like?
He had a... who do I look like, Snitchy McRat? I don't talk to police!
Boy, you better work your mouth!
If you gonna take me to jail then take me to jail! (he holds out his wrists)
(scowls)
HHuey
(narrating) We all know that the images we see can elicit strong emotional reactions. But I've always wondered: could the images we see do more than hurt us emotionally? Is it possible to see something so bad it actually hurts you physically? In other words, can too much black television kill you?
EGExpert guy
(clears throat) The idea that too much black television can kill you is absolutely preposterous! I should know. I'm an expert. Can't you tell by my accent?
HHuey
(narrating) Actually, in 1999, 21 year old Shaquoia Peterson died suddenly in the 13th hour of the 24-hour Parkers' Marathon on UPN. The exact cause of death was never determined. Shaquoia's family settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money. UPN admitted no wrongdoing. I decided I would watch nothing but black people on TV for two weeks to see if I suffered from any adverse health effects. I started by getting a full physical at the health office.
DDoctor
Ah, your blood pressure is fine, which is unusual for black people, and your overall level of health is excellent.
HHuey
(narrating) These were the rules: I was only allowed to watch TV with a majority of African American performers. Commercials included.
HHuey
Okay... Nigga-lize me.
ATArt teacher
...and what the heck. Let's have some mountains and some clouds; oh, and of course some joyful little trees... right there. (turns to Riley) Isn't that beautiful? I love painting trees. What do you like to paint, Riley? Hehehheh, aside from your own name, of course.
I got in trouble 'cause a you. I thought it was yo' house.
ATArt teacher
It was my mistake. But you'll find I don't really believe in mistakes. I believe in "happy accidents." Because you got in trouble, your granddad hired me, and we are gonna have so much fun.
(looks away defiantly)
ATArt teacher
Well, Riley, I certainly don't want to keep you here if you don't want to. Your granddad wants to make sure I make you do just one drawing a day — then you can go.
I jus' gotta draw one thing?
ATArt teacher
Anything you want, heheh, have fun.
Cool. (he grabs a pencil and paper and draws something in seconds)
(walking away, sets the paper down next to the art teacher and heads toward the door)
ATArt teacher
(chuckles audibly)
(hearing chuckle, turns around) What?
ATArt teacher
Oh nothing, heheh... you're free to go.
What's funny?
ATArt teacher
Nothing, nothing at all. I'll call your granddad and tell him you're walking home.
(aggressively) I wudn't really trying, I could do better if I wanted.
ATArt teacher
(crumples up Riley's drawing) Oh I'm sure. (he throws it away)
(surprised, then angry) Hey! You ain't have to ball it up and throw it in the trash! You know what? That's disrespectful! Yo' mama shoulda raised you better. (he leaves)
ATArt teacher
(Continues to paint)
(returns and retrieves his crumpled-up drawing) I wudn't even really tryin'. (he leaves again)
MMan
Hey hey, Robert hey! I heard you was going to be delevering the eulogy. I think that mighty nice of you. I know you and Mo had some bad blood.
Well, what's in the past is in the past.
MMan
(Starts laughing) Yeah, I remember how Mo talk about how he couldn't stand yo black ass. Woo, ha! I remember it like it was last week. Matter of fact, I think it was last week.
Last week?!
MMan
Aw man, you should have heard him, Robert! He was on ah roll, heh! You was all kinds of bitches and motherfuckers! He was like Chappelle or something!
He called me a motherfucker last week?! He said that last week?!
MMan
Sho did, I think Tuesday. Bout 1:48 PM.
Well, ain't this a bitch?
MMan
And what surprised me, was you be all kinds motherfuckers really had nothing to do with tha damn conversation. What was we talking about? (Puts his hand on Granddad shoulder.) Soybeans. Whoo, you a bigger man than me. (Starts to walk away.) I don't think I can talk nice about somebody who said that kind of stuff bout me or my mama, hmp. I-am-not-the-one.
I can’t believe I let Mo talk me into this.
CAunt Cookie
Well, you already here. He said he left you something nice. You might as well go on and get it over with.
(scowls)
CAunt Cookie
Do you know what you gonna say?
No.
CAunt Cookie
Well, don’t worry. Just read this (she presents a piece of paper to him). Mo wrote it. He thought you might have some trouble.
(steps to the podium, starts reading the paper) Everything I have in life I owe to Mo Jackson... (looks questioningly at Aunt Cookie)
CAunt Cookie
(urges him on)
(tentatively) I have never once been gay, but Mo was a very sexy man. We used to call him "Mo bitches"? I once saw Mo in his underwear? And it changed my life? I wish I had a father like Mo Jackson. Mo Jackson paid my rent over fifty times?! ... Okay this is bullshit!
AAudience
(collectively gasps)
Mo Jackson was a asshole.
AAudience
(collectively gasps again)
Mo Jackson was a petty, immature, selfish man. Oh, he was good at one thing: that’s bringin’ the worst out of everybody he met. I came up here because I thought Mo wanted to make things right. But it was just one more chance for him to make a fool out of me. (he walks off stage; people start murmuring amongst themselves)
MSMan Sitting At a Table
Yeah, that damn nigga owed me five dollars!
DDewey
(takes the microphone) Brothers, sisters… please. I think it’s time for a poem: Doom comes like a vacuum, ‘cause death sucks and smells like a raccoon or a baboon... Death kills us like crack killed Pooky... Like Schwarzenegger killed Tookie. Chewbacca was a wookie. Revolution.
[The audience sits in silent, stunned confusion.]
Booo... Hey! "Erykah BaDewey"! That was real gay, my nigga! Cut that out!
CCairo
Shut up, Riley!
HHuey
What’s wrong with you Cairo?! That nigga’s corny.
CCairo
Corny? Nigga, you’re corny. At least he’s here! Why don’t you follow your punk-ass granddaddy back to Whitesville? Fake nigga?
[Huey punches Cairo in the face and the two start fighting; Dewey looks nervously at Riley and flees from the podium]
[Chasing after him] Don't run, nigga, I see you!
So when do I get to see Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony?
(acutely) When you learn how to run a respectable business.
Huh?
What the hell is up with this sign? What's this crude drawing suppose to be?
I-it's the M-M-Magical Pony Carriage.
This looks like a kid drew it. Look at this, why are all the "e's" backwards?
I-I-It... It's suppose to be c-cute.
You think ignorance is cute? Well, I suppose you think you think mental retardation is down right adorable. Lemonade, now! (Jazmine starts to cry and tries to pour a glass) How is anyone supposed to believe you can make lemonade when you can't even spell it? How old are you?
(crying) T-T-T-Ten.
(mocking her stuttering) T-T-T-Too damn old to be writing your "e's" backwards, damnit! (walks away, chuckles)
(speaking under his breath) Squirm little worm.
What happened?
HHuey
It's okay Jazmine; you don't need him.
(angrily) What do you mean I don't need him?
HHuey
Well you're not gonna let him treat you like that?
What, you think ponies grow on trees?
HHuey
What kind of question is that? It's a large four-legged mammal.
Or maybe I'm just supposed to wait until I'm an old woman before I get my pony. How am I gonna look, Huey? A sixty-five year old woman riding a pony...
HHuey
Jazmine, he's a crook...
You just want everyone to be miserable because you're miserable. AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT STUPID COAT?.. wish you'd go away...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Boondocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.