Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.
I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.
Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?
Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?
Oh, my God, would you let this go?!
[walking by] I'd let it go.
Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.
[Sheldon turns on another robot]
Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?
Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.
You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?
Okay, we'll buy you that one.
Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]
Can I get this comic book too?
[mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]
The 'Check Engine' light is on; we need to find a service station.
No, the light's been on since I bought the car.
All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!
It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.
Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's 'Check Engine' light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!
According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.
I dislocated my shoulder.
All right, and how did the accident occur?
[writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Are you currently pregnant?
Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Change migraine to 'yes'.
When was your last menstrual period?
I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?
[Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.
Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.
You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.
Okay now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.
It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer
[Penny puts her hand up]
Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?"
This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?
I have to go to the bathroom.
[Penny goes off and Sheldon goes to his computer]
[voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.
Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.
That's where Sheldon sits.
He can't sit somewhere else?
Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Perhaps there's hope for you after all.
I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat--a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
(singing) Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!
What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Do me a favor: lean over and put your head right here [in front of a laser he'd been using to fry action figures].
Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]
Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.
Okay, let's check out the females.
Alright, there's a female.
That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!
But she's female, isn't that the game?
No, I'm looking for a hookup.
Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.
Raj Not so loud, but ideally yes.
And what is my function as wingman?
Alright, and what is your game?
When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
[Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]
AAbby
Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?
It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
AAbby
[laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.
How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
AAbby
Hey Raj, where are you from?
The mysterious, sub-continent of India.
AAbby
I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Well I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]
AAbby
Hey Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.
MMartha
Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]
MMartha
Oh, that is so awesome.
Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?
[Howard enters Leonard's laboratory to mock him for his unsuccessful date the previous evening]
[handing him a pair of glasses] Laser.
Had a great night last night. I don't like to kiss and tell, but... [puts glasses on] somebody made it to eighth base!
Seventh base with shirt off. Well... My shirt. How'd things go with Penny?
[sarcastically] Oh, yes... Couldn't be better.
[He fires up the laser, igniting a Cylon action figure in its path and startling Howard]
Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
[extinguishing the fire] It's not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Alright. I was gonna try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later, when you don't have a high-power weapon.
How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
And that didn't bother you?
Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Do me a favor. [points to the area in front of the laser] lean over and put your head right here.
Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.
I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]
Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.
Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.
So what, it's the same food.
Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.
Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.
No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.
It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!
Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?
Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
...
The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.
It's listed under seafood.
