The Big Bang Theory · Season 12
Hello.
Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.
You can call me Bill.
Ooh, can I call you Captain?
No.
Please?
No.
[whispering] Please?
Sure.
And will you call me Science Officer Cooper?
This has got to stop.
I think you know how to make it stop.
[handshake] Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?
How do you not know him?
Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.
Wow. That is so cool.
Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on True Blood, he was there.
What? Joe Manganiello?
Uh, yeah.
From Magic Mike?
What's that?
[showing him a photo] Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?
He had his clothes on, but yeah.
I want to be really prepared for the conference.
You're gonna do great.
You really think so?
Of course. They're scared of you. You're scared of me. The system works.
So you really think you can trick Sheldon into liking babies?
I slept with him. I married him. You want to bet against me?
So you guys have discovered something pretty amazing in the universe. Obviously I understand high-level physics because I’m a comedian, but...can you explain it to the audience?
Well I don't know, I'm not sure we're even smart enough to understand it.
Professor Thorne.
Dr. Hofstadter.
Uh, you know my wife Penny.
Hi.
Uh, we wanted to talk to you about Dr. Cooper. Now before you say no...
No.
Well, then after you say no…
No.
Okay, look, Sheldon a paint in the ass… but Dr. Fowler is really nice. So if you average them out... math... you've got someone who's really okay.
But more than the person, the Nobel is about the work. You should understand that more than anybody.
Yes, because of your work on gravitational waves.
You know my work?
I do. I'm really hogging the conversation, Leonard?
Just give them a chance. Science has a history of difficult people. Look at Newton who was a jerk to Leibniz, and Leibniz who was a jerk to everyone.
Yeah, and you know, I don't need to tell you that gravitational waves are disturbances in the curvature of space-time. And that the... Hey, you worked on the movie Interstellar?
Well, does that take me back.
Yeah, the two of us, cruising around town looking for women,
Looking and looking and looking. Remember that time one looked back and said hi?
Oh yeah. We drove away so fast.
I'm sorry. I know you're upset and I don't know how to make it better.
I don't know how you can either, I mean, I don't know if anybody can. I just... I feel like I'm letting everybody down.
I'm about to hold you. Would you like to smell my hand first?
I'm fine. [They embrace.] [Sigh] Thank you.
[singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
That helps.
Shh, I'm singing.
Oh.
[singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
He is a textbook satisficer.
That's not even a word.
Uh, yes it is. According to Nobel Prize winning economist Herbert Simon, satisficing is the decision-making strategy whereby a person accepts wherever available option is satisfactory rather than seeking out the action that would make him happiest, as I just did when I explained what satisficing is.
If this is what he wants, he should ask for it. I mean, what's the worst that happens? They say no.
Well, I'm not going to let them say no. If they don't want me to quit, this is what it's gonna take.
Wait, you're gonna quit.
Yeah, it's like you said, I have to go after what I want, and if I can't get that at Caltech, there are plenty of other universities in the world.
In the world? I can't even get you to the beach and now you want to move to the world?
Well I don't want to, if that's what I have to do.
Okay, don't you think threatening to quit your job is something you should run by me first?
You said I shouldn't worry about your feelings.
I meant feelings about things that I don't care about.
Hold on, are you blackmailing us?
No, the opposite.
We're blackmailing you?
How are you up for a Nobel?
Can't believe it. Sheldon loves telling on people when they break the rules.
Yeah, well, maybe, he's changed.
He hasn't changed. Last week when the vending machine gave me two bags of chips he called my mom.
Well, that didn't ruin your life.
Well, it ruined my day. And I had to talk to my mom, who by the way is polyamorous now. So that's fun to think about.
Look, I'm proud of Sheldon and Amy. You know, they want to win on their own merits, not by knocking out the competition.
Yeah, but what if they don't win. Pemberton and Campbell have done an amazing job associating their names with super-asymmetry. They have all the momentum right now.
I don't like the idea of them losing either, but this is their decision to make, not ours.
Maybe it is ours.
What do you mean?
Well, if Sheldon and Amy don't want to expose Pemberton, that doesn't meant that someone else can't do it for them. They never have to know.
Really? You'd do that?
They deserve the Nobel. I’m not gonna let two frauds steal it from them. And if it means getting my hands dirty, then so be it. [Penny laughs.] What's so funny?
Just realized I've never actually seen your hands dirty.
I don't want to be the only one that doesn't go. I'll just sit here afraid that you're all talking about me.
We're not going to talk about you.
That's my other fear.
So she's coming over again?
Yeah, we're gonna do a movie night.
It's my house. Don't you think you should ask me?
You’re right, I’m sorry. Howard, would you like to come to movie night?
We won.
Congratulations!
Oh, my god!
We did it.
I know. Can you believe it?
That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming? [Leonard slaps him hard and everyone gasps] We won the Nobel Prize!
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