The Big Bang Theory quotes

Bernadette

You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still lived across from him.

Amy

And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.

Penny

We do?

Penny

Hey, Sheldon.

Sheldon

Hello.

Penny

Doing laundry?

Sheldon

Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I’m in a laundry room, so… I believe your inference is justified.

Penny

Oh my inference is justified. Sheldon you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who is wearing them.

Penny

[Listening to the story.] OK, that’s enough.

Disagree.

Penny

[pointing to her bra] So what do you think?

Sheldon

A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.

Penny

Please Sheldon, I need you.

Sheldon

To what?

Penny

To take me.

Sheldon

I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.

Penny

Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.

Sheldon

Penny for the thousandth time. I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.

Penny

I think I know how to change your mind.

That’s enough.

Amy

Did you miss me?

Sheldon

I would have preferred to have you there with me.

Amy

Aww.

Sheldon

Or instead of me.

Amy

Did you hold the baby?

Sheldon

I did.

Amy

And...how did it make you feel?

Sheldon

Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that wouldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying...basically just another day in the office.

Amy

Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?

Sheldon

We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs, we don’t have to.

Leonard

[on the phone] Yes, how much for a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?

Penny

[entering] Hey.

Leonard

I’ll call you back.

Penny

Look I know you we’re trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.

Leonard

Well, I don’t think you called it idiotic.

Penny

Oh. Sorry. I meant to. Anyway. Um. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. I feel like everything is falling apart.

Leonard

Come on. It’s okay.

Penny

No it’s not okay. Look at me. Okay. I took a temp job as a waitress like forever ago and I’m still doing it. And I can’t quit because guess what I can’t do anything else. And I finally get my big break. And it goes away. I’m such a mess.

Leonard

No, you’re not.

Penny

Really? ‘Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.

Leonard

Okay, listen to me; this is just a minor setback.

Penny

No it’s not. I've been out here for like ten years and have nothing to show for it.

Leonard

Well, you have me.

Penny

You’re right. I do have you. Hmm. Let’s get married.

Leonard

What?

Penny

Ohh. [kneeling] Leonard Hofstadter. Will you marry me?

Leonard

Umm.

Penny

Did you seriously just say, “Umm?”

Leonard

Look you know I love you, but you’re…you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost…

Penny

Okay. So-so, you don’t want to marry me?

Leonard

That is not what I said.

Penny

No, forget it. I take it back, the offer’s off the table.

Sheldon

[entering] Who is in the mood to laugh?

Leonard

Really not a good time.

Sheldon

But I used science to construct the perfect joke.

Penny

I’m going to go.

Leonard

Penny don’t.

Penny

No, no. I just need to be alone.

Penny

Why doesn't Leonard get it?

Sheldon

He’s not like us, Penny. We’re dreamers.

Leonard

Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.

Penny

Yeah, well, maybe we do.

Sheldon

I’m willing if you guys are.

Leonard

Can we please have some privacy?

Sheldon

No, I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?

Leonard

No.

Sheldon

Penny?

Penny

Okay, wait? What are we doing?

Leonard

For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

The wife is in New York and I’ve got a Lion King residual check burning a hole in my pocket.

[after James and Sheldon ding dong ditch her] It’s not funny anymore, James!

Then why am I laughing?!

Amy

An evening looking at the stars, that's still kind of romantic.

Except I'll be alone.

Amy

I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.

Sheldon

Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing at dinner on the train?

Howard

I'm sorry, what?

Sheldon

Oh, I'm afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

Howard

I don't own a pocket watch.

Sheldon

Oh, my.

Bernadette

You guys ever thought of getting a dining room table?

Amy

Yeah, you actually do have room for one up there.

Oh sure! I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl sat 10 seconds and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.

Sheldon

No one is running anywhere. We're not getting a dining room table.

Leonard

I know you don't like change, but it's not a terrible idea.

Penny

You guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?

Sheldon

Do you want the long answer or the short answer?

Howard

How come we never get that option?

Sheldon

Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system if the equation is describing its behavior in non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.

Penny

Translation?

Leonard

[Imitating a baby] Wah! I don't want a table!

Howard

Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.

Bernadette

Fine, can I at least shower first?

Penny

It's a sequel of that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

Bernadette

Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.

Sheldon

She does. 42 minutes in.

While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.

Sheldon

I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is.

Sheldon

We were making fun of failed careers. We didn't get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard's.

Howard

Hey, I work at the same university you do!

Sheldon

Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says "Help, Hawkeye!"

Howard

We can't show up to your mom's empty-handed. We should bring something.

Sheldon

I already am. I'm bringing the gift of knowledge.

Howard

Oh boy.

Sheldon

Despite what her bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn't exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.

Howard

I was gonna say we'd pick up a cake or a pie, but an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.